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#231332 - 06/16/08 08:03 PM Supposed To Be My 100th Post!
JasonSmalls Offline

Registered: 12/01/07
Posts: 142
Loc: NJ
I wanted to write something special for my 100th post, but as you can see to the left of these words, my 100th post has come and gone. I was in panic mode for the last couple of weeks and I needed to talk about other things that were bothering me and weighing upon my shoulders. I have been working on this post for a few weeks now and I’m going to pretend like this is post #100. I hope you will too.

My grandpa believes in books and authors. His true love of life, I believe, was my grandmother, who recently passed away. I think his second love is me and that fact that I feel that makes me feel good. Thanks, Grandpa! You are my hero. I also believe that another love my grandpa has is the love of words written by his favorite authors and poets. He will often open a book and read a passage to describe how he is feeling, how I should feel, and why I need hope and love to carry me through life. I read a lot, but I can’t really quote anyone or pick up a certain one book and immediately flip to the exact page I’m looking for to quote words in the hopes that other people will enjoy when I read them. But, if you’ve spent enough time with me in the “MS” chat room, then you know I can “you tube.” J

This first link is close to the subject, but not sexual abuse. But it reaffirms words that people have used to make me believe what happened wasn’t my fault. I still struggle with blame, shame, guilt, and confusion, but deep down I know, “it’s not my fault.”
I was just a little boy at the time and I neither deserved nor should I have expected to be treated that way by anyone. I was born to be loved and appreciated. I think we all were, because I don’t deserve anything less than that respect!

The next link is one of my favorites. It’s a great video that adds such an important message. “Faggot, homo, cocksucker, dike, etc.” None of these words describe any part of my being, but rather they describe the loneliness and emptiness of the person using them. This message is for those who feel lonely and in despair, and for those who would rather condemn and insult rather than accept and understand. “You need not be afraid.”

I came to this site because I needed a place where I could feel safe. I needed a place where I could be myself without judgment or scrutiny. I hear a lot of people sound off the same tune no matter where I am, “My child knows bad touch and good touch. That could’ve never happened to me as a child, and it can never happen to my kids. My kids are smarter than that. That type of thing only happens in poor countries, or kids with alcoholic fathers, and it only happens to girls.” This video is for you.
Did you know that child abuse has no boundaries? It chooses neither rich nor poor, white nor black, Christian nor Jew, gay nor straight, male nor female. It’s not an Asian problem or an American problem, but rather a humanity problem. It doesn’t affect and infect only those who “want it” or those who surf the worldwide web. Statistics show that it’s more likely for a child to be abused by a family member or someone the family trusts. Dogs get treated better than this!

Having said all this, what are you going to do about it?
Does this make it harder for you to turn your back on child abuse? I think it does.

Being abused as a child has affected everything in my life today. There isn’t a day I don’t think about it, cry about it, or carry it with me. It has allowed me to become an emotional basket case with a warped memory of any past happy memories, because the stigma of my abuse drowns anything I remember enjoying. I no longer refer to my abusers as “abusers” but now as “takers.” I look back on the kid I was and I wonder, “what did I think about when I was little? Who did I want to be? Where did I want to go? What did I want to be when I grew up?” I cannot answer any of these questions because I don’t feel anything but confusion. I don’t remember anything but pain. I don’t dream anything but fear. “I just want to feel.”

Love is like playing the piano. First you must learn to play by the rules, then you must forget the rules and play from your heart.

I don’t know how to love. That might sound strange for most people, and I guess love to many is a conditioned trait. But my idea of love is overpowering and abusing an innocent defenseless child. I did not put these ideas into my head, so please don’t take it the wrong way. It’s just that, did you expect something else? I prayed to God almost every night, begging and pleading with him to make it stop, to help me, to even take my life in the middle of the night. God never answered. I told my mom of what was going on, and even though she saw of the abuse with her own eyes, she dismissed it in a major state of self-denial by claiming I was making up stories. If you look up the word “love” you will get the following definition: An intense feeling of affection and tenderness.
I was about 4-5 years old when I can remember the earliest my taker had raped me. Do you think it was tender, and do you think he did it out of the mere affection he had for me? I was 7-8 years old when my mom walked in on my taker giving me oral sex. Do you think I felt her tenderness when she immediately turned away, closed the door, and went back to whatever she was doing without hesitation?
When I’m finally given the opportunity for another person to love me, I constantly push them away, because my idea of love has no definition. I don’t feel the love that my grandpa gives me, but I have this thought that when somebody does something kind it’s out of love. I keep reminding myself what love truly is and I have to force myself to be aware that some people do love me. But this also presents another problem. Since I only appreciate love as a random act of kindness, I have allowed some not so worthy people into my life. I’ve shared very intimate and detailed information with them. And why? Because I misjudged love for friendliness, because to many people love is as ordinary as life itself, but for me, love is a constant project and something to be taught and learned.
This song is for my mom.
This song is for my taker. (uncle)

So how do you measure love? Maybe this next link will help.
And in the end, maybe love will lift me up where I belong.

I’m better than my mom and taker. I didn’t always feel that way but I feel it now. I have something to offer the world, and it’s not sex, and it’s not to be used by anybody. I have it in me to be somebody in this life, and that’s what I’m going to do. I think I’m going from powerlessness to very powerful! They didn’t break me and I’m still strong, because I’m a survivor and I believe in myself! I may struggle at times, but from this day forward, “I’m A Believer” in me. J

Let’s face it, we live in a “Mad World”
And sometimes “I Feel Stupid” because I could’ve changed my past.
I believe in “Angels” and I think there’s always been one looking out for me. His name is grandpa. J

And we can go “Somewhere Only We Know” when the times get rough. It’s called MS.

And if you can’t make it on your own, I will help you and we will do it together.

And in the end, we will survive!

Peace out!

#231341 - 06/16/08 08:33 PM Re: Supposed To Be My 100th Post! [Re: JasonSmalls]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey

I didn't click on all of the links, but I did read every word you wrote. You make powerful statements Joey. Some are sad, others are hopeful, and they are all healthy.

Thank you for sharing such an intimate post with us.

ROCK ON.......Trish

If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

#231349 - 06/16/08 09:51 PM Re: Supposed To Be My 100th Post! [Re: JasonSmalls]
Trucker51 Offline

Registered: 05/21/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Happy 100th, my young friend:

Glad to see that you are this far along as young as you are. I didn't get as far along as you are now until I was age 41. I still do not "you-tube" or even "my space", though I have been on Sorry to hear about your mom and her reaction, happy that you have already begun the process to get beyond it. I suffered with my mom's reaction almost the entire time from the age of 15 to the age of 40. We had our good days, and the threat always existed that the past would ruin it, and did ruin it a number of times.

You say that you don't know how to love. I don't think that would be unusual, given your age. Many young people your age would be at some point in learning that issue. By the time I was 18, I had only one consensual relationship that had lasted longer than a few random nights. Given our shared affliction, it could be a bit of a struggle. It took me until the age of 29, after my first 18 months of individual therapy, to get to the point where I was willing enough to take the chance to love again.

Your trust issues and fear of enmeshment are common recovery issues. Yet you are already making progress, and are beginning to value yourself and becoming more optimistic. Your chance of enjoying the fruits of substantial progress fairly quickly seem rather good. There are bound to be setbacks and areas that improve less-quickly than others. Trying to shift your focus away from your past to what is possible for you is a big step. Then when you go from there to future optimism substantially unhindered by your past you will be almost there.

You have both my support and the support of everyone else here. It is good to see you feeling this good about yourself. Keep up the good work, my man. Happy 100th, and may your next 100 posts be at least as rewarding as your first 100 posts have been. Keep your head up and your view optimistic, my man, it works wonders. We are all pulling for you.

Trucker Mark

"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark

#231612 - 06/18/08 12:15 PM Re: Supposed To Be My 100th Post! [Re: Trucker51]
GeorgeG Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/03/08
Posts: 1
Loc: New Jersey
"All beauty comes from beautiful blood and a beautiful brain. If the greatnesses are in conjuction in a man or woman it is enough... the fact will prevail through the universe...but the gaggery and guilt of a million years will not prevail. Who troubles himself about his ornaments or fluency is lost. This is what you shall do: Love the earth and sun and the animals, despise riches, give alms to everyone that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not concerning God, have patience and indulgence toward the people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown or to any man or number of men, go freely with powerful uneducated persons and with the young and with the mothers of families, read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life, and your very flesh shall be a great poem and have the richest fluency not only in its words but in the silent lines of its lips and face and between the lashes of your eyes and in every motion and joint of your body.......You shall not spend your time in unneeded work. You shall know that the ground is already ploughed and manured...others may not know it but you shall. You shall go directly to the creation. Your trust shall master the trust of everything you touch......and shall master all attachment."
-Walt Whitman, edited for my Grandson.


I am very proud of you. You have accomplished great things and have overcome many obstacles in search for peace, security, and love. You have exhibited both power and strength in your ability to "keep on, keeping-on."

Heroes are those, who in the face of adversity and great pressure, keep moving forward. Heroes sprint into burning buildings while all others are running away. Heroes stare down evil and injustice, by standing and fighting for those who cannot fight for themselves. With this knowledge of your true love and compassion for yourself and others, I tip my hat to you. You are my hero, son!

Remember this; love is a packaged gift. Those who dare to to remove its' wrap and open it up will triumph in pleasure forever.

With love and admiration,
Grandpa George

" What comes out from the heart is true and what is left hidden inside hurts."
George G.


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