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#230919 - 06/14/08 02:39 PM New Here, Name Charles and I am a Survivor trigg.
charles law Offline

Registered: 06/04/08
Posts: 28
Loc: perth australia
New Here, My name is Charles and I am a Survivor
Please I have had to write as a third person I have being recovery for what seems like ages but really only 15 years it maybe have some triggers bare with me..

New couples becoming new parents and they being from the baby boomers generations and they had a lot to live up too. They have already 2 other children a boy and girl.

Influences that drove these parents and their family to Australia. Hoping for a better life?

Born with all its vital organs and limbs and its a boy and what a challenge this boy was going to be.

Parents leaving their place of birth and into the arms of a foreign country of which they made their home with four children and one more on its way.

So what took these parents to the extreme and almost losing all common sense and losing what could of destroyed their lives and break up what family they had.

So too this little boy who had survived the odds of being born 3 months premature and in its new culture he grows and begins to understand that life wasnít going to be easy.

He remembers being in an child care hostel before coming to Australia and in the hostel he was forced to give oral sex to 3 young guys none of which he understood what was happening to him as he was only 5, where was his parents who would leave him in such a place. They would come and take him with them to Australia.

He begins to see how love is so twisted that it pains him seeing his parents bashing him and throwing him to the ground and almost being knocked out.

Seeing blood in his shorts from his (willy) after being ripped and pulled causing the boy to cry out and yell in the most excruciating pain caused by his Mother, shaking in bed crying and the beginning sign of being numb with his emotions by the age of 5 years old and having to lie to nurse and doctors.

He had seen fractures from beatings that seem senseless over the smallest of things and the use of implements that would have been used for cooking and sports and other household equipment all of which come to haunt him for a very long time.
And all this seems to happen to him the most though he understands that his siblings where too young to do anything and they too had some of this but no where to this extent.

He had to endure cold showers as he was too below them to enjoy a warm showers, and a bed was in the bath tub as he was prone to bed wetting, for most of the time it was through being in fear and other times it was shear tiredness in such a deep sleep, so being in a tub meant she could just turn on the tap. And all this happened between the ages of 5 and 11 years old.

Was it torture? it felt like it was, this was the times he would wished he had the power just to make the water warmer and create a nice soft bed or at least a mattress to sleep on. If he had the power he would freeze time and make the changes and make them see things differently to undo what went wrong or he would put a spell on them to tell them not to harm him or any of his brothers and sister if he had the power he would find help he would of gone to the four corners of the earth and heaven and heíll to find it and wouldnít of given up until he did.

To him it was like a horror movie of cracked skull and blistering burn marks all of which his mother had done all in different times of his childhood and other scars of which still exist today.

Being lured by an adult male pervert into sex used and abused and remembering the shock and shame of what had transpired, child still feeling wishing the man had taken him away as home was worse, Thank God he didnít knowing what I knows today.

How could he understand his existence and the meaning for his life what would become of him and what could he do that would have some meaning and what was he suppose to do with this life?

How could parents do this to a child and be so cruel did he cause you such grief and pain, what happened was he to blame was it all his fault and how this child could come to grips with such a childhood.

He would try and find help in a Church of which he spent 3 years trying to work through what had happened to him, he would try and talk about the abuse and problems he was having finding people couldnít fathom what he went through being in custodial care meant he was a trouble child so he would run away and live on the streets thinking there was no one that cared, trying to stop this chaos he returns to the church and God hoping someone would make sense of what he was going through triggers and destructive behaviors of self bashings and head bang. He find out that has homosexual tendency and tried to get council only to be asked to leave and was not allow to return until I had stopped this tendency.

The child had no chance until he met up with some Salvos and gave him accommodation a place to live a service of which they had for homeless youths. This is where he catches up learning to live and have hope for some future.

So people say forget it, it was in the past, in the world you can over come or be a victim. So we forget it ever happened so we move on to the future and where then? Where we battle with our ghosts and nightmares where we struggle with our tormented memories of pain neglect rejections and inferior complexes. Where peace is a battle field in it self where God himself seems to be absent where light and darkness runs away.

Where we constantly struggle with who we are trying to fit in with society where love to him seems like a dream, a fairy tale. Where learning and enlightenment seems so unobtainable where desires are basic, love, peace, hope, dreams and happiness seems to run away like a river torrent seeing it come and go as quick as it came in. Where we struggle and fight with ourselves over every issue, with incompetence and confused state of mind and rejections of peers, family, church groups and what seemed to be God too, and continuously feeling of being damaged goods in oneís life, a childhood pain.

This is my way of acknowledging the child within of the struggles itís had to face and someday he will not be afraid anymore and someday find release from the ordeal and smile. As he looks to the future and remembers this by no means gives him the excuse to be cruel uncompassionate rude aggressive destructive and taking the law into his own hands. Taking each breath as a new and knowing he is a survivor of child abuse and a survivor he is taking him into adulthood and into old age. For him forgiving meant everything and as he forgave he learnt he had to forgive with each time he was reminded and felt what pain remain as time has gone on he realizes it still has a lot of pain but not so strong itís a road he cant just leave and turn back he knows he has to move forward and onwards as best he can.
So the saying goes what doesnít kill you can only make you stronger. I hear you inner child and here I am and I hope you will stay and not run away and hide. I sincerely hope for you all that your heart desires and you would be ready to receive all the blessings in life and always be challenged to live courageously with integrity love honor respect hope truth compassion and dare to dream dreams for all the days of your life
Charles auWarrior openly Gay man

#230921 - 06/14/08 02:45 PM Re: New Here, Name Charles and I am a Survivor trigg. [Re: charles law]
JasonSmalls Offline

Registered: 12/01/07
Posts: 142
Loc: NJ
hey charles!

i'm sorry i didnt read ur story but i will later. i'm in panicky mode today and i dont wanna get triggered again. ummm i liked chattin wit u this morning and i'm sorry i had to leave but i just didnt get that woman in there this morning and why she was even in chat. i got some issues wit bein around women and i hope u understand that.

anyways it was good meetin u and i hope to see u again soon. okie dokie artichokie.

Joey \:\)

#230926 - 06/14/08 02:55 PM Re: New Here, Name Charles and I am a Survivor trigg. [Re: JasonSmalls]
Grunty1967b Offline

Registered: 07/28/05
Posts: 861
Loc: Australia

I think it's really good, and a safe thing to do, that you wrote in the 'third person'.

Thankyou for sharing your story here. I know how hard that is. I've shared parts of my story from time to time here at MS. That's partly because I wasnít strong enough or healed enough.

When I've told more it's been because I've either remembered more or Iíve be able to put more of it into perspective and make sense of it in such a way that others would understand what Iím trying to say.

Bit by it hey?

Take care.

#230933 - 06/14/08 04:07 PM Re: New Here, Name Charles and I am a Survivor trigg. [Re: Grunty1967b]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

Welcome to MaleSurvivor, bro, and please do go ahead and write in whatever way feels safe for you. You will be accepted and supported no matter how you write. I'm glad you found us.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#230939 - 06/14/08 04:52 PM Re: New Here, Name Charles and I am a Survivor trigg. [Re: charles law]
Still Offline

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1

Welcome to MS.

This line hit me like a hammer of true hope. You came through all that and you can still write this line:

Originally Posted By: charles law
...someday he will not be afraid anymore and someday find release from the ordeal and smile.

I find this line astounding. Can it be true? Can it actually happen? I just don't know...but you certainly offer evidense of it.

#230944 - 06/14/08 05:07 PM Re: New Here, Name Charles and I am a Survivor trigg. [Re: Still]
TJ jeff Offline

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3560
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
Welcome to MS Charles

I hope you find much healing here and make many new friends

thank you for sharing your story - I know that's hard to do when so new here (heck, sometimes I still find myself talking about things in 3rd person myself - no worries there...)

I too was abused by family members

looking forward to getting to know you better

TJ jeff

Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

#230954 - 06/14/08 05:56 PM Re: New Here, Name Charles and I am a Survivor trigg. [Re: charles law]
Barkabus Offline

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
Hi Charles,

I am so glad you found us. I hope you will find healing here. Thaks for sharing with us. That took a great amount of courage on your part to do that. Please continue to share your journey as often as you feel comfortable to do so. Welcome to This is a safe place.


My Story

#231099 - 06/15/08 11:07 AM Re: New Here, Name Charles and I am a Survivor trigg. [Re: Barkabus]
arronb Offline

Registered: 02/02/08
Posts: 1005
Loc: Perth
Hi Charles

Glad to see you on the forums,
but sorry we had to meet under these circumstances,
it's nice to have a fellow sandgroper around \:\)

Keep Smilin'

#231107 - 06/15/08 01:53 PM Re: New Here, Name Charles and I am a Survivor trigg. [Re: JasonSmalls]
charles law Offline

Registered: 06/04/08
Posts: 28
Loc: perth australia
its ok Jason i am cool you just take care and take your time the best is somethimes to just chat is the way to go.

Take Care Mate
Aussie Charles


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