I sometimes got completely naked when I was having pre-teen sex with my abusers. I just wonder, why sometimes I didn't have to undress all the way. Sometimes I had to be on my knees in front of someone, always a man, and perform a sex act. Always the same, it seemed, I want to know why I was always chosen to give gay fellatio before I was even in puberty.
I lived for those moments. I particularily liked it when I was forced to sodomize with someone who pretended to love me. Maybe I would receive a flavored lubricant, or they would allow me to rub chocolate on them before they forced me to do my very undeserved job.
So I just thought here, thinking, about how unhealthy my one sided sex life is. You can tell something is wrong with the world when a virgin even as a sex life. I have never acted out with someone before, but as one thinks, so he will become.
I can't take it. I need to think about God more. Yet the more unstable I become, the more I realize I am unwise. One thinks that it is unhealthy to realize when they are unwise, but just the opposite is true. I realize I am relieved of all responsibility to be absolutely perfect.
Yet I am not completely convinced that I will ever be a human being. There is just so much disorder in my helpless body that I cannot see what is wrong with myself even though I know that I have been brutalized. When one is mutilated needlessly, they feel an odd ghostly presence of themselves that does not meet reality.
It is an ugly truth that I feel. I am not a virgin. I just don't understand how I can be a virgin. It is if I have been castrated and murdered and now walk amongst normal humans. I feel as if I am a man, but I don't know if I am. I feel like I am a sexual being, but it has all been taken away. I feel as if I am alive, but it is not a feeling of peace and existence, but an echo of sensation that has long been dead.
I do not know, if I was chosen by God to live with him forever. I accept Jesus as my god and the substitute for any crime I have committed. Yet I am daily hounded by dark voices that feed from my life force as if they will cease to live if they are deprived of it for long.
Sex is supposed to be between a man and a woman, during marriage. it is not supposed to be between a six year old and a sixteen year old. It is evil for a father to teach a young boy to wipe his face off with a napkin by orally raping him, and then rubbing the boy's face until he is dry.
The world is so much in despair I see no light. What happened to me is evil, but I can't help but imagine that everyone has been what I have been through. I haven't been through anything out of the ordinary or particularily painful. Just sexual exploitation and forced prostitution of a minor. Whats a little incest between family?