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#230414 - 06/11/08 11:44 PM Engulfment war
ineffable Offline

Registered: 02/07/08
Posts: 1371
Loc: state of holeecrapdood
I want to apologize to anyone who has felt pushed away by me recently
Particularly Gav, Brian & Ben

Boundaries continue to be a tricky area
I freak when I feel loved by someone
It starts innocently enough by becoming friends
developing trust, deepening intimacy & ultimately being more vulnerable by doing so
Then something spooks me & I pull back
I am afraid of losing myself in the miasma of "us"
Or that I need to protect you from the mess that is me
I know this goes way back probably to pre-verbal C
But the intellect doesn't soothe the emotional rawness I feel

The band plays on & the dance of intimacy continues
I have always been more comfortable
Going forward I will try not to step on too many toes should you care to twist again


:: "Anyone who can handle a needle convincingly can make us see a thread which is not there" ::

#230450 - 06/12/08 02:47 AM Re: Engulfment war [Re: ineffable]
ak Offline

Registered: 01/10/04
Posts: 1491

I am not sure of what happen to cause you to feel this way, or to feel need to 'pull back'. But I know that it can be very difficult to release to trust, and to feel that I am not worth whatever pain or troubles I will cause another person, because of course, I am sure that is what will happen. We can be so very critical and fearful of ourself and what impact the 'dark us' can have onto other people.

For what it may mean to you from me, I am very happy to get to know you in however way you are able to let yourself be known, and in whatever amount of time it must require for you to do it. I feel nothing from you but kindness and compassion for others, and not at all anything like 'miasma' (word of the day has help me! ;\) )


#230458 - 06/12/08 03:02 AM Re: Engulfment war [Re: ineffable]
Trucker51 Offline

Registered: 05/21/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
No apology necessary at least to me. Your response is a normal response. Quite a few of us have done it. It served me well at one time in my past. Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Unique, yes, but not alone.

Hang in there. Hope that you are doing OK, my man.

Trucker Mark

"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark

#230464 - 06/12/08 03:32 AM Re: Engulfment war [Re: Trucker51]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

Hey bro, that's a classic survivor issue. The better things get the more apprehensive we become. We fear we are just setting ourselves up for a fall from a higher distance. Sometimes it's so hard to believe that good things really can happen to us, and that we deserve them.

All these issues sure give us our ups and downs, don't they? You will have yours just as others will have theirs, and in the end we will all be here to support each other.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#230522 - 06/12/08 10:14 AM Re: Engulfment war [Re: roadrunner]
michael banks Offline

Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
I understand how you feel I always feel safer when I am alone. It is very diffcult to allow yourself to be close to another. To see how you really feel. I am 47 yrs old but at times I still feel like a child. Especially when their is any conflict in my relationships. At these times I withdraw into self and return to old destructed behaviors. These behaviors don't work but they are like comfortable old shoes. But it's time to throw them away and find a new pair and that is why I am here. I have been dealing with these issues since my daughter was born 21 yrs ago some of my comfortable old shoes (drugs and alcohol) I have been able to get rid some of but others I am still struggling with. Some are in response to being sexually abuse by my fifth grade teacher others from my family of orgin. I am here looking some direction and help. I didn't get clean and sober by myself. And the last few years I have put my recovery on hold. Parts of my life are going real well but my marriage really sucks. And alot of this is unhealthy behaviors that I learn in order to survive things that happen years ago. I know that I am not at fault picking up these behaviors but I am responsible to learn healthier behaviors.

To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

#230524 - 06/12/08 10:19 AM Re: Engulfment war [Re: michael banks]
JasonSmalls Offline

Registered: 12/01/07
Posts: 142
Loc: NJ
no offense but thats gotta be the worst song i ever heard!

#230533 - 06/12/08 12:14 PM Re: Engulfment war [Re: JasonSmalls]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus

Registered: 01/28/08
Posts: 2614
Loc: Central PA
WHU???? Dude!! That's classic 80's man! Best decade since the creation of the world! Heck, it was during the 80's that we got the rad rubiks cube and all sorts of other totally trippin stuff!

Ah... the 80's......


But To be on topic, sorry you been feeling down man! Thinking of you, and any time you need a pick me up, just remember me repeating conversations over and over like they just happened!!

OH, Did you see BSG!!! WOW!

And I heard ya moved!! DUDE you shoulda moved to pa.......


Edited by JustScott (06/12/08 12:16 PM)

#230558 - 06/12/08 04:00 PM Re: Engulfment war [Re: JustScott]
frost Offline

Registered: 03/15/07
Posts: 1377
Loc: Eh?

I've always accepted you for who you are and your stuff.

To borrow some words from another B...

You're alright.




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