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#229687 - 06/08/08 01:29 PM need a little help
charlotte Offline

Registered: 06/08/08
Posts: 2
I have been in a relationship with my SO for three years now. We got engaged in October and are looking to get married sometime in 2009. During our relationship, there have been different things that have come up that I attributed to personal tastes (ie. not being overly physically affectionate) however, I began to notice some rather disturbing realities. For example, my SO was only physically intimate when he had been drinking. When I confronted him about this issue (which my own self esteem issues were reeking havoc about) he initially denied this was true. After a while, he finally admitted that he had been abused as a child and had some definate intimacy issues. Since then, we have not been intimate at all. He tells me that he is ready to deal with this issue, and has attended one session with a professional however, he seems only to seek help when I discuss with him how I am feeling in regards to our questionable future. Don't get me wrong. I love this man very much, and am willing to take whatever time necessary to support him in what he needs to do, but I am worried that he is not ready, and that I might be waiting for something that may never come. I can't imagine my life without him. He is my best friend, and even without the intimacy, my life is greatly enhanced by his being in it. How much is too much when it comes to discussing these issues, and Where do I go from here?

#229752 - 06/08/08 10:55 PM Re: need a little help [Re: charlotte]
KENKEN Offline

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762

I am fairly new in my recovery, but I can say and suggest a few things for you. First, it is a very good start for both of you that he has started talking about his sexual abuse.

The very best thing you can do for your SO is to let him know that you are there for him and that you will be a good listener. Suggest getting the book, Victims No Longer by Mike Lew.

I tried to deal w/my CSA without professional help for a long time. Believe me when I say, It does't work. Your SO needs to find a good Therapist that knows about CSA.

Once he opens up the very best thing for him is to have you there for him so he can talk,talk and talk more.

Wish you both the very best. Also might suggest that you show him this site and let him start off by just reading other posts.



From the Movie: Antwone Fisher


#229828 - 06/09/08 12:53 PM Re: need a little help [Re: KENKEN]
WalkingSouth Offline

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16270
Loc: Waldport, Oregon

Ken offers some good reading material. It'll help you understand so many of the questions you have.

Frankly if I were in your position this would be a deal breaker for me at least in the short term. He would have to make a long term commitment to work on this with a qualified therapist and show some significant progress before I would consent to marrying him. That may sound harsh but I wouldn't want anyone to experience the same things my wife has experienced with her victim/survivor husband. On the flip side, I'm glad she's put up with me but she deserved so much better in the first 25 years of the relationship.

How much is your happiness worth to you? Compare that with the fact that you could possibly face decades of what you are seeing now before it dawns on him that he can't continue to fight it alone and seek help if he ever does. Many may not agree with me, but please, give this some serious thought. If you still feel you want to go through with a marriage after that then bless you, but do it with your eyes wide open and support him and never blame him for the situation in which you find yourself.

Lots of love,


"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting 'Holy Shit! What a ride!'" ~Hunter S. Thompson

#229830 - 06/09/08 01:34 PM Re: need a little help [Re: charlotte]
Sans Logos Offline

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5796
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
charlotte i really respect you for not boiling down your partnership with this man to the sexual component. in know for myself that in the past whenever i got into relationships, sexual intimacy was always the barometer, and as a survivor, i could not handle that. imagine being loved without any expectations! better still, imagine being available to surrender completely to another person's desire to express their affection for you in a sexual way, and to welcome it! unfortunately, that's not how it works for survivors, and i suspect not for non-survivors either, given complexities of intimacy. at any rate, i think it awesome that you can appreciate your SO for all the wonderful other dimensions he brings to your life.

Ron Schulz, MSPC, NCC

#229910 - 06/09/08 09:02 PM Re: need a little help [Re: Sans Logos]
charlotte Offline

Registered: 06/08/08
Posts: 2
thank you all for your valuable advice and your kind words. It has been hard, but it is so reassuring to know that what we're going through is normal. I have thought seriously about ending the relationship on several occassions, but as I said before, I can't imagine my life without him. He is so thoughtful and caring. I have never been in a relationship before where my SO has taken so much time and consideration into my needs. I am worried though. Are all of these efforts to compensate for what he can't give me or am I just reading too much into the situation?

Thanks for the book suggestion Kenken. I will definately order it as I believe I can use as much information as I can get to understand, and to cope.

Might I just say, I am so happy to have found this site. I think it has profoundly helped me to start understanding, and to know that I am not alone (or strange). My SO and I have mutual friends, so my discussing these issues with them is strictly off limits. I knew I needed to talk to someone. Now I know where I can do that!

Take care


#230189 - 06/11/08 12:27 AM Re: need a little help [Re: charlotte]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Welcome Charlotte,

This is indeed a great place to learn, receive advice, rant or celebrate - sometimes all in the same week!

I admire you for making the effort to learn what you can about csa and what happens to the man when he grows up. It's important. It'll help you stand beside him and keep your head above water. It's so easy to fall prey to our s/o's problems.

You can't push him to a therapist, or to read a book or even to talk. If you try too hard, he'll dig his heels in and not move one inch until he's good and ready. But if he wants his life to be better and wants to build a life with you then hopefully he'll accept a suggestion, or a nudge or a loving "please....I want you to feel better about yourself so we can be happy together."

Do you think your fiance will be as committed to healing as you are to learning? The answer to that question is probably the one that will determine where your relationship goes from here.

ROCK ON..........Trish

If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.


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