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#229095 - 06/05/08 11:17 AM Here we go again.
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2667
Loc: durham, north england
Well, after waking up at about four this morning feeling pretty dam good, running around at five getting work done, cooking breakfast and cleaning my flat at 6, it's now midday and I've crashed.

Part of me wants to go into a wrant about how worthless, pointless, exhausted and generally rubbish I feel right now, but I don't want to inflict that on everyone again.

I want to do! something about this, sinse it's bloody annoying!

I've tried coco, and I'm fairly certain destraction methods, ---- eg sleep, reading, or puzle games will work (I've started a play by E-mail war stratogy game expressly for this purpose). but I want to do more this time than just sit around and weather this.

this cyclic business is really a pest, it interferes with my work, my creative energy, my sleep pattern, my ability to be reasonable to my friends, I'm just getting quite sick of it.

so, what can I do. A friend suggested that everytime I start feeling good, I then have to punish myself afterwards. could this be the case? and if so, what do I do?

I'm seeing my T tomorrow, but I don't just want to talk about it, I want to do! something about it.

I know here I can wrant and rave safely, that I can even try and pull deep and harmfull stuff out and put it down in words, ----- but with this I just feel out of control and powerless to stop it, ----- and i hate! feeling powerless!

I'm really sorry about this, I'd imagine people are sick of me just going off on tangents for no reason, ---- especially when everyone is dealing with their own stuff.

I hate being like this.


#229115 - 06/05/08 02:22 PM Re: Here we go again. [Re: dark empathy]
ericc Offline

Registered: 01/05/08
Posts: 1986
So before you hit the brick wall today, did you get anything constructive done? One thing? Sounds like you may have cleaned your place up. That is positive. I know about this, because I sometimes get in those moods where I am up early and am "getting things done". Sometimes it can last a day or two. And then there is the crash. I am exhausted. Usually more mentally than physically, but exhausted none the less. But I have learned that my mind and body are telling me I need the rest and need to get through the crash. And I have learned to tell myself, "hey look what you took care off. this will pay off in that you have made things better for yourself, and it will carry over for some time." I guess what I am trying to get at is that maybe for what happened today, you can see what you improved. And sometimes they are just little things at a time. But they can add up (for me it was a long process of making my place better, sorting through the collected clutter, etc. and is still a work in progress, but I have made it much nicer the last couple of years). So maybe today you did get something good done, and that it deserves to be commended.


#229345 - 06/06/08 11:59 PM Re: Here we go again. [Re: ericc]
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2667
Loc: durham, north england
Eric, that's a really good suggestion, the problem is, when I get into this sort of state, I feel so bloody worthless that anything I achieve at all, ---- from my Ma, to stage performances, to just clearing up my flat a bit seems like nothing.

i just get into a pattern where I'm such an utterly worthless individual that I can't even recognize that I've done anything in the good periods. In fact, even writing this post seems bad to me sinse I'm dumping on everyone here, ----- sorry.

I know this feeling will pass, I now tomorrow, ---- or at most sunday, I'll start feeling better and get some energy back. I also know that I can destract myself. i've read a very light book all day, I've got some puzle games handy, I know I can expend what energy I have to destract myself with those and so be okay. But I want to do more than that!

I'm getting really sick of this cyclic business. when I'm at the high points, like yesterday morning, I think "well, it's worth it, at least I've got my good emotions back" but right now I'm thinking "hell,what could be worth this?"

And yet I'm stupid enough to do it again.

I feel like a drug addict.

I'm alone, and out of control, and I hate myself.

Sorry, i tried to promise this wouldn't turn into a wrant and it has, ----- I'm sorry, i hate dumping all this on everyone, ---- I even thought I was further on with this.

At these times, part of me even wants to think "heck! people have got through much worse things than I went through, and anyway, it was ten years ago, much more important stuff has happened sinse then, ----- i must just be particularly pathetic"

sorry again.

I'll stop now.

#229683 - 06/08/08 01:15 PM Re: Here we go again. [Re: dark empathy]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

Originally Posted By: dark empathy
I'm really sorry about this, I'd imagine people are sick of me just going off on tangents for no reason, ---- especially when everyone is dealing with their own stuff.

But you too are dealing with your issues, my friend. Ranting about things is something that we often need to do. Let out your feelings about this and that may well allow you to move on.

But please also be sure that talking is also doing. When we talk we are rejecting the silence, breaking the secret, and throwing the blame back where it belongs. Those too are important tasks.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)


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