This is a letter i wrote today and wanted to share it with you although with a heavy heart and apprehension.
After all these years i now have the self-worth and self-respect to address the way you treated me,the ways in which
you went about it and how twisted and cruel and the thrill(s) YOU seemed to get from my re-actions was unacceptable.
As i am certain YOU now know i had/have alot of issues when i attended X school and i often think about how vicious and mean you were and nothing i ever did in your eyes was good enough yet you consistently tortured me emotionally and psychological impact it had on me then,sand so many years later,i know in my heart YOU "thought" which is a bunch of shit and a copout,were,in your own sick way for my own good.
So many examples i can give you in regards to the way you disciplined me are overwhelming yet YOU need to reflect on
and ask yourself.......WHY ??? did you do this to me....was i such a "screw-up" therefore psychically restraing me,choking me,force me to spend hours and hours on my knees,hold dictionaries out by my sides in each hand amd while you looked on and could see the pain in my face when my arms would burn and i'd beg you to let me sit down holding up the wall with my arms / hands yet again my arms would burn.
How fuckin dare you treat me so horrible with comeplete disrgard of how I FELT ...How worthless i thought of myself and you'd finally felt bad( although io know you never allowed yourself to experience or remotely feel) or came to your senses did you allow(there's that word again) me to sit down at my desk yet walk away as though the effect you had on me thereby treated me meant nothing.
Whenever you were chosen by "staff" to monitor recess i always knew i had better walk on egg shells otherwise you would pull me out of "hall hockey" ....which you thoroughly enjoyed because YOU knew how much i loved to play hockey and sit me out ( or put me back on my knees in the closet with the curtains closed like i was a fuckin dog....i hate you for this)
I sit here as a 39 year old man feeling like that little boy YOU emotionally crippled yet again however cathartic i am feeling you will know by the time you finish reading this i no longer feel pent up emotionally as a result of confronting YOU that has been a long time coming indeed , a real long and overdue form of closuire for me.
I have been in therapy for over 5 years now and have faced my own personal hell that YOU and many other "people" in ways i was treated have been confronted by me.
Therapy has given me the ability to use my voice and to speak up for myself that for so long i was to afraid due to my fear of retaliation in one form or other.I was a young boy who,like KJ said to me the last time i visited XYZ "you were a young boy who simply wanted desperately to be loved but to afraid so you'd push people away yet screaming inside of wanting a hug"...I am sure you were very aware of this but could not have given a shit due to YOU being so selfish ,self absorbed and unfeeling therefore chose to deal with me in your own sick and twisted way(s).
I want you to know that you're forgiven and although i am NOT forgiving you for the way i was treated by you nor should i , but i am ONLY forgiving you so i can move on with my life and enjoy and build a life of my chosing with my fiancee who is the best thing that has ever happned to me.
Finally i spoke with X and she told me that YOU no longer work for X as a result of an "episode".....HE HAS A BRAIN INJURY TO THIS DAY.....you had some time ago.....well all i can say ios it's unfortunate yet i also believe in my heart EVERYTHING happens for a reason.
Anyway as you always said to me "richard you can do anything you want as long as you're willing to pay the consequences for your behavior"......I guess you're now paying the consequences for your behavior for reasons i will never know about.
I hope this helps and other men on this amazing site i call MS...."My Savior".......can see no one or nothing can stop your healing however YOU chose to process and walk through the trauma WE as children who are now MEN faced so many years ago that the courage within you will surface one day wether you know it or not you will just know.....trust me on that.....afterall this morning i was sitting in front of my computer and it hit me " i need to confront and let X know he hurt me but will not continue to do so"....i picked up a pen and started writing and the above letter is what came out.
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "