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#229047 - 06/05/08 03:15 AM Should I Fell Bad?
JasonSmalls Offline

Registered: 12/01/07
Posts: 142
Loc: NJ
I'm wondering if it's wrong to feel bad for your abuser? I mean to feel sorry for him?

My uncle wasn't bad to me 24/7. There were times in my childhood I can remember him and me playing the piano together and laughin around and just foolin about. I think he took to me 1 baseball game. It was the Phillies for sure and all I remember about it was sitting really close to the field and eating the really hardest soft serve ice cream with a chocolate shell.

It's seems like lately, I've got all these different emotions and usually i'm all at the same time angry, embarrassed, guilty, and resentful. I don't know why i feel bad for somebody who did really really horrible things to me.

I mean the thing is, the stuff he did to me happened to him when he was a kid and part of me just thinks like there was a time when he was a little boy too and he didn't do anything wrong. The wrong was done to him. I just mean like, was he always a bad person then even when he was little? I dunno. I dunno where I'm goin with this. I just can't figure some things out that go thru my head alot. Oh well.


Edited by JasonSmalls (06/05/08 03:17 AM)

#229056 - 06/05/08 03:39 AM Re: Should I Fell Bad? [Re: JasonSmalls]
pufferfish Offline

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
I think you're on the right track.

The abuser was a human being: both good and bad mixed together. To hate the humanness and the good means to hate yourself and all of us.

#229057 - 06/05/08 03:44 AM Re: Should I Fell Bad? [Re: JasonSmalls]
onlyakid Offline

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1577
Loc: New Jersey
I know some people want to demonize all abusers and some are very evil people and some aren't. My abuser was my older brother and my T taught me a very important thing, its ok to love him because he's my brother but be angry at him for what he did to me. I think that you can apply the same thing to your uncle.

There are 2 important things to remember in all of this
1. Its not your fault
2. Recovery is possible


"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"

#229072 - 06/05/08 05:00 AM Re: Should I Fell Bad? [Re: onlyakid]
Freedom49 Offline

Registered: 12/31/07
Posts: 2724
Loc: Washington State
my dad was very good in some respects to Joey. I cannot throw out the good too with the bad. We all have both sides.

#229173 - 06/06/08 12:51 AM Re: Should I Fell Bad? [Re: JasonSmalls]
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills

Try to look objectively at what was done to you. Would you want that to happen to someone you loved now? That your uncle did nice things for you could have been part of the 'grooming' process to make you feel somewhat indebted to him so that when he did thing that were wrong you would keep silent.

The adult in a situation is always responsible for what happens; it's never the childs fault. Just because he may or may not have been abused as a child does not relieve him of his duty to protect an innocent child in his care. Perpetuating the abuse is a choice that your uncle made; it was a very bad choice. He hurt you and caused you problems that you are dealing with now.

Yes, you can love him as a relative but always keep in mind that what he did was very wrong. He knew better.

Take good care of yourself,


I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)


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