My older sister was my first perp. I don't remember most of what she did - but the other day I was driving and the thought came to me WHY she did it. She told me I shouldn't be gay (how a 3 year old can be gay is beyond me). She inserted things in me to show me how much pain was involved with "bad sex". I'm sure there was "good sex" forced in there somewhere because of my reactions to certain things - but I don't remember what.

The BIG thing with this is knowing WHY has reduced my stress incredibly. All my life I've been afraid that if I was gay - God would condemn me. It was never God. It was my sister. (which I guess explains how much I thought of her)

I have never been able to make a connection between what my head told me (God condemns gays) and my heart told me (God is love). I have studied verses, read various expository writings on verses in the Bible regarding homosexuality - and I have never been able to convince my heart that God is "against gays". Yet there was that stupid thought in my head that wouldn't go away.

ANYHOO - after this "epiphany" or whatever that it was my SISTER that I feared rejection from - not God - my relationship with God is now stronger than it's ever been. He was always "ok" with who I am. It's not an issue to Him - He made me. So, IF I am gay (still don't know) - the only "issue" is the fact that I'm married. No more worrying about God's reaction. Besides - God already knows who I am. His child. That's what He cares about.

I am SO looking forward to therapy Saturday. I can move forward with my recovery with no fear of "who I really am".