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#22890 - 11/25/02 09:22 AM Exchange feelings/thoughts - - - - - Thought's & Fantasies post
mattandrew Offline

Registered: 04/26/01
Posts: 376
Loc: Florida
I have taken some time away from this site for the last twenty four hours and spent time with friends who just moved to another part of the state.

My thoughts on the post about thoughts & fantasies are these,I personally feel that yes, some of you were right on target about the topic behind why bob posted what he did and to some degree, i do see where some of you have agreed with what bob has to say, that is fine with me, i have no quams with that position.

I am going to post now some things that came to mind in consideration to his post:

Abuse: Lead to thoughts that can be uncontrolable at times during recovery where one may reach out for help and support like what bob may have tried to do not knowing the post may be triggering.

1)Lead to fantasies of abusing another minor child after being abused as a minor, after effects of the abuse.

2)Lead to seeking support here at malesurvivor.

Fantasy: Lead to thoughts of abusing a minor while in an authoritative role which if left untreated can lead to the actual carrying out of the act from the fantasy no matter whether you think you would not ever abuse another person, these fantasies are how originally the possibility that the perpetrator begins the abuse upon another person.

Abuse to a minor: Hurt to this child, broken trust in any person in an authoritative role after the abuse is carried out.

1)Families lives destroyed from the actions of a person who actually carries out the fantasy of abusing another parents child while in a daycare setting,school setting,church setting,social setting which causes this family to be hurt and having to live with the after effects of the abuser.

2)Crime, no matter what the age under the age of 18, no matter what state, any child under 18 can be very vunerable and not able to fend off their attacker.

Shame: Leads to the person feeling dirty and leading them to seek support while being alone and dealing with the thoughts of sexually abusing another person.

Guilt: Leads one to feeling like they are actually thinking like a perp, leading to self medicating, which in turn leads this person to a vicious cycle of never ending hurt and never ending loop of the abuse unless dealt with appropriately.

Anger: Triggering other survivors that have been abused as a child while in any authoritative setting.Leading the person who reads the post to focus not just on the topic at hand about shame and guilt but, also to focus on a situation where the person who posted needs support in order to not abuse however, the manner in which this person posted may not have thought that what he was posting could have triggered someone and the poster taking a different view then maybe others would considering the person who posted was having thoughts/fantasies of abusing the very person that this site we all are a part of is trying to help and also to hopefully help stop the abuse of minor male children or any child for that matter.

I understand after reading the post again and after a few other members pointed out the nature behind the post he may not have been talking about actually carrying out this act however, as he is in an authoritative role on a survivors site is this person still in a position to help others that have been abused by the very person who now has posted about the thoughts of abusing another minor.This person may be a good person to moderate however, it makes me stop and think about maybe where this person may be in relation to their own recovery and would they be good to help someone heal thru their posts.

In answer to the above question about healing and helping others recover thru posts placed by this person this is my view, after careful consideration to several people who have written me and also who have responded to the very post i speak of.

This person would and is still a good candidate to help others heal as he steps into the relm of being open and opening himself to vunerability by posting what he did, he may not have meant to offend anyone by his post,maybe other posters are not in the exact position of dealing with someone posting about abusing another minor however, this site is meant for support & recovery, i think bob may have instilled something in me thru his post, on forgiveness and dealing with someone as a survivor as well as someone in authority who is in the very position as we all are which is, trying to heal from our own abuse.

After careful consideration i forgive bob if it may have triggered me and i will still support him in any way i can, as i see he is human and makes foulable mistakes like we all do at times and he is in need of support, so brother let it be known let me be here to say, i forgive you and will support you thru whatever. we are all in the same boat together like another member stated and we all need to make sure we do not toss each other off into the drink to be eaten alive.As for someone who said i openly mocked his post this was not meant to be and thanks for pointing out that, maybe i needed to take another look at the post.Another person posted saying maybe i was trying to flame another survivor, let me be here to say, i am not here to flame anyone nor do i appreciate the remark, quite frankly i take that personal as you are now cutting into my character.I may have been here before taking shots at some of the person's in authority however,let me add at this time i am not here to do this i am personally here to help others heal as well as help myself recover from my abuse.

One person added that if i had just pruned my comments after posting what i did in response to bob's post, that would have been ok, to this i add that may so but, i felt that, i needed to remove those remarks as other posters took what i had to say as flaming another member so i took and removed the posts.

to my brother bob, i still think you have value as a survivor first off, then secondly, i still think you have value as a moderator but, as we all need to be aware, we all need to think and rethink before we post anything that could be triggering even though at the time you may not think it could be, we all need to give it some time before we all post, maybe even write to paper what we all are going to say first in our posts and then reread it again, then post it.

M.A.N. ,
Boy who was trapped in society's nightmare & moving on thru healing & accountability.

#22891 - 11/25/02 04:35 PM Re: Exchange feelings/thoughts - - - - - Thought's & Fantasies post
New to this Offline

Registered: 09/16/02
Posts: 138
Loc: Mississippi


Check your private messages.

"Knowledge itself is power" Francis Bacon

#22892 - 11/25/02 04:48 PM Re: Exchange feelings/thoughts - - - - - Thought's & Fantasies post
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Hi Matt,

Thanks. I did send you a pm and apologized to you.

I neede to remember that we are all at different levels of recovery. When I posted my question it was more about wanting to know if others had the same kind of problem with the self-condemnation that follows it. I can see though, that it could and did make some guys feel unsafe.

As far as any human can say so, I am certain I would never harm anyone, child or adult. I am an old man, with two life threatening illnesses. I expect to see God soon. I need no further things to have to explain to him to get into heaven.

I have been in therapy for the best part of 35 years. The best thing that happened to me was to be able to go to an inpatient facility for a six moonth program--18 hours of therapy a week. It was helpful. I still get frustrated at some aspects of my life though.

Matt, I hope all goes well in your recovery from your surgery. As I said to you in the PM, I am sorry to have added mental anguish to the pain you feel from the surgery.

Thanks again, I see you as my brother as well.
Lets hope we can find peace from the atrocious things that happened to us all.


If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

#22893 - 11/25/02 10:34 PM Re: Exchange feelings/thoughts - - - - - Thought's & Fantasies post
andrew-almost52 Offline

Registered: 10/31/02
Posts: 243
Loc: canada
Removed at Andrew's request.

#22894 - 11/25/02 11:48 PM Re: Exchange feelings/thoughts - - - - - Thought's & Fantasies post
New to this Offline

Registered: 09/16/02
Posts: 138
Loc: Mississippi
Bob & Matt

Thanks. It is good to see some positive dialogue. The world is mean enough to us--we don't need to attack each other. I'm glad you both stuck it out & worked it out.

The old adage about "not judging a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes" still holds true. We need to remember that when we respond to a post.

My father always had a saying about one could disagree without being disagreeable. There is wisdom in that.


"Knowledge itself is power" Francis Bacon

#22895 - 11/26/02 01:35 AM Re: Exchange feelings/thoughts - - - - - Thought's & Fantasies post
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
message removed at the request of MattAndrew

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau


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