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#228838 - 06/04/08 03:50 AM Fixated on oral sex (possible triggers)
Letourski Offline

Registered: 03/16/08
Posts: 314
Loc: Canada
Hey everyone,

It's been a rocky week and half for me but thank God I have this site as medium to communicate my deepest thoughts. My SA consisted mostly of oral sex. It was performed on me multiple times and only once on the perp for what seemed for mere seconds.

Now in my adult years I have come to realize that I am fixated on oral sex. When I see it in pornography I get really tense and tend to clinch the muscles in my body, I also have a difficult time maintaining ejaculatory control when receiving it. In the last 6 months I have fantasized on what it would be like to perform on another man. This has caused of course great confusion sexually and considering my attraction to women is on and off I don't really know. I often ask myself what drives these intense feelings for oral sex and when I trace the steps I can clearly see that it is a result of my CSA.

I just don't know how to gain control of this. It's definitely a cycle that has gone on for sometime now. I am attracted to men in some ways there is no denying that, I tried to run away from that and it almost tore me up. I am just trying to sort through all this.

Can anyone offer advice on how to separate sexual fantasy and CSA? I do not feel as though I am consciously thinking of the abuse during these activities or thoughts but I certainly feel sensations and recall my body language. It's all too familiar and I just want to connect the dots.

Thanks again as always.

I am the warrior.

#228839 - 06/04/08 04:11 AM Re: Fixated on oral sex (possible triggers) [Re: Letourski]
Freedom49 Offline

Registered: 12/31/07
Posts: 2724
Loc: Washington State
I know this is a tough one for you. Since you say your SA was mainly oral I can understand the tenseness and heartpounding you must feel when you think about this or see it in Porn. Your desire to give to another male is understandable as you would naturally want to switch the roles from your SA. That is very commmon feeling and a hard one to shake. This is something your T would understand and he/ she could give you some exercises that would help you distance the idea of oral sex from the abuse by replaceing it with a healthier mind set. It is some mental rewireing that needs to happen and that will take some serious work on your part but it can be done and has been done successfully in others. A good therapist up on the latest treatments can help you recover you sexuality what ever that may be. Hang in there guy. You are not alone with these thoughts.

Edited by Freedom49 (06/04/08 04:16 PM)

#228840 - 06/04/08 04:18 AM Re: Fixated on oral sex (possible triggers) [Re: Letourski]
king tut Offline

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2488
Loc: UK
oral sex was horrible either way, it was really bad, grrrrrrr!
that's the thing that gives me the most nightmares, even more than sex, so i really can't relate to you sorry, i should have really listened to the possible triggers warning, fuck, oh my god what the fuck, i'm such a damn idiot for clicking on something that said "oral sex" and "triggers" in the same sentence, shit shit shit shit shit, fucked myself up now havent i


#229144 - 06/05/08 06:02 PM Re: Fixated on oral sex (possible triggers) [Re: king tut]
endlessjourney Offline

Registered: 11/01/05
Posts: 518
Loc: Cincinnati Ohio
To answer your question, I think the difference between sexual fantasy you have and CSA is just that. In your fantasies do you feel like one of the two of you is in control? CSA is about control, not true sexual gratifacation. Sometimes we fantasize about being abused, or humiliated sexually. Sometimes we fantasize about doing it to others. Strangely enough, many of us are addicted to abuse. We don't enjoy it, but we keep going back to those thoughts and fantasies because they are all we know. Thats where difference comes in. Sex should be relaxing, fun, and comfortable.

Truth is the very reason we strive to live. It surrounds and resides within us. Accepting the truths we already know and seeking out those we do not is a direct path to inner balance and joy. For life is not a means to an end, but a journey. Life comes and goes but the truth will always live on.


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