After my initial "spill" I haven't posted much - so I thought I'd give you all a little update.
We've had good days and really bad. He is having obsessive thoughts about me with previous partners - actually ASKED to go to a T appointment by himself - had to schedule an extra asession - T came in on her day off on Memorial Day weekend to see him at 7 in the morning!! I love her.
Anyway - we've had some real heart to heart talks about what *really* holds our relationship together - I've encouraged him to focus on nurturing those parts of our relationship and just trusting that the sex will take care of itself. He's trying to learn to interrupt negative thought patterns - but it's hard for him to understand that they are lies.
****TRIGGER**** csa specifics...
I caught him at a vulnerable moment last night and asked him about the CSA - to tell me about the little girl that was with him. He got more details that he wanted - there was a knife - they hit him when he tried ot help her- they held him down and pulled off his pants....threatened to choke her if he didn't do what they wanted...so he had to take down his underpants himself.....poor little boy.
He still feels frustrated that he doesn't have cohesive memories about it - still questions whether or not it happened. I encourage him to allow that little boy to tell his story and to believe him. Although he DID say last night, "Well, obviously something happened, didn't it?" I know that acceptance is creeping in slowly. He also said that suddenly - it all just faded away into the background again - I explained what you all have told me here about the brain just allowing it to come bit by bit so as not to overwhelm us.
T explained to him how even though "it was just once" that it gets planted in the brain like a bad seed - and everythihng grows from that bad seed and gets filtered through that bad experience.
You wonder if people fucking think about the consequences the actions they take have on the other person's ENTIRE life.
This is so hard. But I at least see progress. Never in a million years would I expect him to ASK to see our T before our regular appointment. Every now and again he actually looks like he's listening when I say I want to be with him forever. He's so afraid.....it's sad.