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#228683 - 06/03/08 11:51 AM update... ***trigger***specifics..
Marissa Offline

Registered: 05/06/08
Posts: 69
After my initial "spill" I haven't posted much - so I thought I'd give you all a little update.

We've had good days and really bad. He is having obsessive thoughts about me with previous partners - actually ASKED to go to a T appointment by himself - had to schedule an extra asession - T came in on her day off on Memorial Day weekend to see him at 7 in the morning!! I love her.

Anyway - we've had some real heart to heart talks about what *really* holds our relationship together - I've encouraged him to focus on nurturing those parts of our relationship and just trusting that the sex will take care of itself. He's trying to learn to interrupt negative thought patterns - but it's hard for him to understand that they are lies.

****TRIGGER**** csa specifics...

I caught him at a vulnerable moment last night and asked him about the CSA - to tell me about the little girl that was with him. He got more details that he wanted - there was a knife - they hit him when he tried ot help her- they held him down and pulled off his pants....threatened to choke her if he didn't do what they he had to take down his underpants himself.....poor little boy. \:\(

He still feels frustrated that he doesn't have cohesive memories about it - still questions whether or not it happened. I encourage him to allow that little boy to tell his story and to believe him. Although he DID say last night, "Well, obviously something happened, didn't it?" I know that acceptance is creeping in slowly. He also said that suddenly - it all just faded away into the background again - I explained what you all have told me here about the brain just allowing it to come bit by bit so as not to overwhelm us.

T explained to him how even though "it was just once" that it gets planted in the brain like a bad seed - and everythihng grows from that bad seed and gets filtered through that bad experience.

You wonder if people fucking think about the consequences the actions they take have on the other person's ENTIRE life.

This is so hard. But I at least see progress. Never in a million years would I expect him to ASK to see our T before our regular appointment. Every now and again he actually looks like he's listening when I say I want to be with him forever. He's so's sad.


#228689 - 06/03/08 12:45 PM Re: update... ***trigger***specifics.. [Re: Marissa]
Freedom49 Offline

Registered: 12/31/07
Posts: 2724
Loc: Washington State
Progress oftimes comes slowly Marissa. But it can come if we are patient and willing to work. Thanks for the update. Hang in there and don't give up. He is worth it.

#228693 - 06/03/08 01:16 PM Re: update... ***trigger***specifics.. [Re: Freedom49]
Marissa Offline

Registered: 05/06/08
Posts: 69
Yes, he IS worth it. If only he could see that about himself.....

#228705 - 06/03/08 02:27 PM Re: update... ***trigger***specifics.. [Re: Marissa]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey

You two are doing great; just because it hurts, doesn't mean otherwise.

Hang in there my friend.

If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

#228745 - 06/03/08 05:38 PM Re: update... ***trigger***specifics.. [Re: Trish4850]
Marissa Offline

Registered: 05/06/08
Posts: 69
Thanks for the support, Trish. I see him beginning to take some baby steps to help himself, and that encourages me. :O)

#229089 - 06/05/08 08:47 AM Re: update... ***trigger***specifics.. [Re: Marissa]
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2665
Loc: durham, north england
Marissa, I'm sorry I'm quite late on coming to this.

As everyone has said, this sounds good though it's undoubtedly painful to remember.

I thought I remembered everything, ---- afterall my own abuse stopped almost exactly ten years ago (when I left secondary school in June of 1998), but some things which were in the back of my mind, things which i didn't think I needed to revisit have come up. One of the nastiest realizations for me was that recovering didn't mean just admitting that the abuse happened and working on what it had done to me, but actually revisiting it.

if he's doing that, that sounds good to me.

Probably because my own experiences were similar, I find it actually very easy to both believe in and empathise with his experiences, ---- though the idea of having someone I cared about hurt at the same time sounds absolutely awful, ---- pluss, I was at least older by the sound of it.

I'm really glad things are progressing, even if the progress is hard, and I'm thinking of both of you.

#229091 - 06/05/08 09:43 AM Re: update... ***trigger***specifics.. [Re: dark empathy]
GateKPR4 Offline

Registered: 10/29/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
I used to think as he did when I was younger, I had a hard time trusting my partners.
This was mostly due to my lack of trust in anyone. It was also hard to see in myself that I am a good person and worthy of love. "long story"
Another thing I am slowly finding out is thins are not always the way I remember them. I am fortunate to have my mom to talk to about this stuff and she has helped me quite a bit. But I'm finding my memories are all messed up especially times and details about where I lived at what age and what went on. I have been in therapy for 3 years now and I have to take baby step to deal with the abuse. Sometimes its just too much. I'm glad you two are working it out.

I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
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