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#227435 - 05/29/08 12:46 AM
Sad bad dream
I know I am not making post before this but there is some person here I am talking with in past. I am sorry if I am not very good with English.
I have boy friend who is having very difficult life in past. He is here on this web site before but he is not here any more. Night before he is having strange bad dream and telling friend on internet about this and then showing me talk they are having. He is saying he is wishing he could talk with person who is understanding this but because he is not here any more he can not.
I am asking if it is OK to put talk he is having with internet friend here so he can see what person who is understanding is saying.
I do not know if this is correct place for putting this. But I am reading all of rule and do not see problem. If this is problem please forgive me.
Here is talk. I am changing his screen name and person he is talking with.
Shido: some chick was there...think it was you, but you were younger and somehow we ended up in some weird place..and I was saying how the people were kinda creepy..like...I dunno how to describe it...Amish commune creepy
L: children of the corn creepy?
Shido: eh..different creepy. like they were nice and stuff..just creepy and we ended up talking to this kid..and I dunno we went to his house or something. and you thought they were kinda creepy too but you weren't as creeped out and I don't remember alot of it....but I didn't fit in...was nothing like them..and it made them all sad and everything
Shido: but we quickly realized we weren't alowed to leave and you just kinda went with it...you didn't really change...but you didn't complain or anything...just kinda accepted it. and it's not that you hated it or liked it was neither really but I remeber one of them giving me something to eat and I ended up alergic to it and they didn't have any medicine...no med kits...I dunno why...they just didn't need them
Shido: but I managed to get through it and after that they started looking at me different...like I was so absolutely weird and I wanted to go home but I couldn't. even if they didn't stop me I couldn't because it was an island or something and I started to hate it and hate them and started crying and this little girl started putting pillows up around the corner I was in because she didn't want to see me cry. not because it made her feel bad but because it was imperfect. It made everyone there really uncomfortable becayse they had never seen crying
Shido: but I was stuck there and they cut my hair in my sleep and somehow I ended up blond and I remember trying to leave at night once...run away...and running down a long hall and getting tazed by someone...then I woke up
Shido: but oin the begining I just thought it was weird..we were making jokes about it kinda thing I wasn't like scared or anything
Shido: and even me just being my self the people were kinda put off by like I was the weirdest thing they'd ever seen but after I had an alergic reaction and wanted to go home and cried...I dunno...I was some unsightly thing that they pretended wasn't there. they couldn't leave either, but they didn't care. THey liked it there
Shido: and you just kinda felt sorry for me..not because of how I felt, but because I wouldn't get wiht the program
Shido: and I remember everyone was really young. the kid who owned the place we stayed at was 16
Shido: all blonde and blue eyed and I was all...Asian and shit...they were perfect...all smiles and everything, and I was like...so not
Shido: at first they acted like we were strays. took us in and fed us 'aww how cute' and you figured out how to be a good pet and didn't mind
Shido: I was miserable so I got the treatment equivilant of being chained outside. they totaly thought they were doing us a favor because we weren't perfect. but then you got all perfect and everything and I got all...disgusting to even look at
Shido: I knew I couldn't get away or go anywhere...dunno why I tried...maybe I was just compelled too. Like a tiger that paces around it's cage
L: where was I?
L: I would have tackled them
Shido: you stopped caring. didn't want to get involved. because you were perfect and I wasn't
Shido: maybe I figured if I tried to run away enough they'd kill me and put me out of my misery. They really tried to make me be like them...because they honestly thought it was best for me. Being imperfect is such a pitiable state. cut my hair, made me blond, make me dress like them -._-.
L: cant figure that one out
Shido: well then you're lame because I can
L: unless you think I am going to walk away
Shido: blond and blue eyed is just a physical representation of what alot of people consider 'perfect'
Shido: they were all under 17
Shido: we were younger too
Shido: not that young, but maybe 20
Shido: and all these kids are perfect. And they have a perfect little place and a perfect little world.
Shido: That I don't fit in to. that I can't understand and you can. because they weren't raped.
Shido: hence, perfect
Shido: and I'm disgusting to them because it's impossible for me to ever be perfect so they don't want to look at me. they didn't hate me. Didn't sneer at me or pity me. I was just unbelievably unsightly to them
Shido: like being really horribly deformed. They tried to fix me, but couldn't. So they gave up and pretended I didn't exist. but the person who tazed me in the dark hallway was an adult and seemed to get a kick out of it and wasn't linked to the perfect little kids
Shido: so I'm guessing that was suppsoed to be my perp
Shido: oh they also tried to make me dress like a girl
Shido: don't quite get that one
L: cause you are gay
Shido: I'm not gay
L: ok...in a homosexual relationship
Shido: I dunno...there were no sexuality tones or sexual references. Just seemed like being a girl would give me a better chance at being perfect
L: maybe because you were a boy that was raped by a male
Shido: it was kids., there was no real sexuality
Shido: pretty genderless kinda thing
Shido: it was effed up =_=
Shido: just everythign about me was imperfect. my hair, my eyes, the way I talked, the way I walked
Shido: and the little girl who was trying to hide my corner with pillows..I'd knock them down and yell at her and she'd just smile obliviously and start stakcing them again slow and delibarately. Like she could have been doing laundry
Shido: they never let me leave that room
Shido: because other peple seeing me would be bad
Shido: and the rooms were like hotel rooms. sterile and uniform
L: were there others in rooms?
Shido: I guess so, I don't know
Shido: the room we were in was you, me, two little girls and the boy. But he wasn't there much
Shido: but the older girl was about 15. And she acted like she was an adult. Not really 'acted' but she carried herself that way because she was I guess middle aged by their standards
Shido: just had a kind of quiet authority
Shido: and they would give me food and smile and I didn't want it, I'd throw it and pitch a fit and they'd just smile and clean it up like they didn't blame me for being imperfect...I was just the resident invalid -._-.
Then this is talk I am having with friend he is telling this.
Samii: This is fear that he is having.
Samii: That he can never be normal. That all normal person will not understand and not want looking at him.
L: do you think he is afraid I will abandon him?
Samii: And there is no way escaping this because this is life for him.
Samii: No. I think you are in dream to prove that even close friend can not understand because not having same thing in past.
Samii: Even you who he is close with and trusting are normal. And he is not.
Samii: But you can see that other person is strange Because you are understanding little bit.
Samii: But you are still one of them.
It is sad dream and he is not in good spirit recent. For many month he is better but past few day he is not. I understand some time thing like this is happening. But he is seeming very sad. Maybe he is needing reminding he is not alone ne? This is why I am putting this here.
#227503 - 05/29/08 04:39 AM
Re: Sad bad dream
Loc: St. Louis, Missouri
Tell Shido he is not alone....
That many of us are still here and throwing away the pillows also.
Also tell him, he does not need to change for anyone. He is perfectly fine the way he is.
Just be there for him, and remember we all have ups and downs. This is a long road, with many hills, that we have to travel.
Luv ya... Samii...
Shawn and Ben will always be in my heart....
Happiness is like peeing your pants; Everyone can see it, but only YOU feel the warmth.
Peebles, Ohio WOR alumni, Oct. 2007