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#226603 - 05/25/08 07:21 PM My husband's CSA, a-sex & sexual identity
Support4Husband Offline

Registered: 05/25/08
Posts: 3
I'm new here, and I'm a woman. I apologize if this post is in the wrong forum. If that's the case, would someone please kindly let me know so I can move it to get some insight here?

My story is quite a long, complicated one, so I will try to just share the cliff notes for now. My husband has always been very, very interested in anal sex. I would say to the point of obsession. We've always had "regular" man/woman sex that was satisfying to us both, but only explored a-sex a few times early on which my husband (then boyfriend) really enjoyed, as did I. But I was young and worried about what it "meant" that he liked it so much. I should have done some reading online! I became so concerned about it in my own mind that while I never said "I don't want to do that anymore, he got the hint and never really brought it up again. I think I only felt that way because I didn't realize how many straight men like a-sex with their wives...again, should have done some reading before making that decision. I will admit that while I never thought my husband was actually gay, I had/have suspected that he had curiosities, and I can only relate that to the a-sex. There's been nothing else in his behavior that caused me to question him. Well anyway, that was 7-ish years ago. Obviously this has been manifesting in my husband for many years, developing into a full-on obsession.

I recently discovered some websites on the computer that were extremely distressting to me, and about half of them were specifically for transsexuals and "shemales" as some of the sites put it (I personally find that word derogitory and humiliating to those women). Needless to say, I was DEVASTATED. I'm 8 months pregnant with our first child. I confronted him about it and he admitted that he had never cheated on me, with a woman OR a TS, but that he did have one "meeting" set up with a TS and couldn't go through with it, he never showed up for it. We talked and I cried and we talked and I got so angry and we talked some more...and it turned out to be a great thing that I didn't just close up and walk away.

Through our talking, he confessed to me that he had been sexually abused by a 15 year old boy when he was 8 or 9. I didn't ask too many questions, as I think I was in such a state of shock over the entire situation that had just come to light. He said it was his friend's older cousin or brother, something like that. The boy that he was friends with lived in the house right behind him, where this took place. I think he said it happened once or twice, again, I can't remember. He said that the older boy was showing him "stuff" online (inappropriate stuff I presume), and before he even knew it, this boy had his fly unzipped and was touching him. He didn't elaborate on what/if anything happened from there, and I didn't press for more. I also didn't ask if he had a physical response to the touching, although I suspect he did, because I really sense some shame and guilt, not to mention confusion. He had never told anyone about this before and I certainly didn't want to start interrogating him about it. I felt closer to him in that moment than I can remember in a long time, that he would feel like he could share that with me. I asked my husband in a calm, non-crying, supportive, non-judgmental way if he thinks he might be gay. He said no, and I do believe that. I asked if he might have some bi-curious feelings, and he said no, he knows now (he said something like that - "I know now" - and I got the impression that his recent exploration into the transsexual world kind of confirmed that he doesn't really feel gay at all, there is not an attraction to other men...I just feel that he's very confused about why he's attracted to TS's, although he didn't actually say that). Oh, but I'M so confused! I would like to talk about this some more with him, to share what I'm reading here about the correlation between the CSA and this attraction/fixation, but I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable or like I'm prying, judging, etc.

When he confessed his abuse to me, I confessed to him that I too had been sexually abused as a child, by my older male cousins, and I'm pretty sure that I'm harboring something else that happened in my subconscious. For many reasons, during that same discussion, we decided to go to counseling together. We had our first meeting last week and it went GREAT, we both felt really good about it. My fear is that because neither of us brought the TS or CSA issues up at that first meeting, that my husband won't talk about it during his one on one meetings and let this continue inside himself (I only think he wouldn't bring it up out of embarrassment, shame, etc, not because he doesn't want help). I plan to tell our therapist about it in my one on one time, simply out of fear that my husband won't, and I desperately want to see him sort these feelings out and not carry them any longer. I don't want him to be confused anymore and torture himself with this anymore. I plan on doing the same for myself and my abuse.

So here are my main questions: Do you think that this abuse is at least contributing to my husband's anal sex obsession? Do you think it sounds like my husband might actually be gay because of the TS exploration? Or do you think it's likely just again the confusion from what happened when he was just a developing little boy?

I also welcome any comments that aren't directly related to those questions. Thank you so much in advance, it feels good to be here, reading your stories, and now to share my own.

Edited by Support4Husband (05/25/08 09:53 PM)

#226750 - 05/26/08 01:14 PM Re: My husband's CSA, a-sex & sexual identity [Re: Support4Husband]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5781
Loc: Lyons, CO USA
I would bet that your husband was abused anally. A lot of times, survivors put themselves back in situations that are reminiscent of the abuse. The dynamic here is to be the one in charge this time. When the abuse took place, the abuser was older, stronger, and more knowledgable. Your husband experienced sensations (likely arousal and maybe orgasm--- prepubescent children can experience orgasm before they are old enough to physically ejaculate, in the case of boys), and he may be trying to recapture them in the present time by being the initiator and in control of the anal sex.

It doesn't mean he is gay. There have been a number of discussions in this forum and other forums dealing with interest/attraction/arousal to penises or performing oral sex on a man when there is no emotional interest in males, or for the male body, except for the penis, for example. You can do a search and look for topics in that area.

If you go to the therapist without talking about the primary reason you are going there is a waste of your and the therapist's time. It's like going to the doctor with a sore throat, cough, runny nose and you're also having bleeding from the rectum. Embarrassed to talk about the bleeding, you talk only about the throat, cough and runny nose and get diagnosed with a common cold when you might have a real serious problem in your intestines. The doc is going to know only what you tell him/her about and holding back important info is not going to help your cause.

The TS interest is possibly connected to the abuse. Sometimes abusers of males will try to feminize the victim to make it seem that they are not gay. (That way they can blame the victim for being gay and it's not them who chose to be sexual with a male). It may also be just the "freak show" element of "chicks with dicks" that interests him. Does he check out other unusual websites, like hairy women, animals, grannies, gigantic penises, etc?

Good thing for couples to be completely honest with each other. The abuse was about secrets and when you get honest, you are breaking the hold that the abuse/abuser has on you to keep it quiet. The therapist has likely heard this before. In doing therepy with sexual abuse for 30 years now, I like to say that I've heard it all but every once in a while, I hear something new. However, I think what you've said here is not out of line from what any experienced therapist has dealt with.

Blissfully retired after 35 years treating sexual abuse

#226819 - 05/26/08 04:16 PM Re: My husband's CSA, a-sex & sexual identity [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
Support4Husband Offline

Registered: 05/25/08
Posts: 3
Thank you so much for your answer, I sincerely appreciate it. Everything you said makes sense. I suspected there might have been more to the abuse than fondling, but I certainly wasn't going to push that question. One other thing he told me is that the abuse was around the same time that he was snooping in his parents' room and found a hard core video in his dad's things, which had anal sex in it, as well as vaginal. He wondered out loud to me if that could be where his extreme interest in anal came from, being that he was so young and that was basically his first experience in seeing sex. He also said that was the first time that he saw what the men on the video were doing with their penises, so he tried it and had his first orgasm and of course liked how it felt. I'm unclear whether this was before or after the abuse. I only say that because I know that for me, the abuse I went through drove me to look for hard core porn (mostly magazines are what I would find) and I became really drawn to it. So I don't know if that's the same case for him or not.

About the TS: Yes, you're right on with that one. I had noticed other websites in the past with grannies and midgets. No animals or anything else, but that's not to say he didn't look at them. These sites didn't bother me for some reason when I found them...I suppose I didn't categorize them as something he was using for sexual gratification. When I initially confronted him about the websites that I found recently, I specifically asked about his interest in the TS'. He gave me the "novelty" answer, that he became fascinated because they were like you say "chicks with dicks". I was afraid that it turned him on as well, which turned out to be the case, at least on some level. I opened up the dialog last night, sharing more about my abuse. I also asked him about what his intentions were with the TS at the hookup he had arranged. He said he really didn't know. I really hope I wasn't out of line by asking him these personal questions. He has expressed interest in having me peg him, but we haven't actually experimented with it. I'm not sure if you are familiar with that term, I assume probably yes given your profession. So I asked if he was planning to give AND receive anal sex, or just one or the other, and he said he really wasn't sure, that's part of the reason he didn't show for the hookup. He just didn't know. Definitely confusion with what he was feeling. He was pretty quick and emphatic about saying that oral sex was not something he was thinking about doing with this person when I asked about it, but I realize that just because he said no doesn't make it true. But he did say that he thinks it was "all about the back door". It was a good discussion, I told him at the beginning that if he really didn't feel comfortable answering or talking about it that I would completely respect that and it would be the end of it. But he was open and I'm so glad for that. Thank you again Ken, for reading and for your input.

I am also very welcome to input from other men who may have had similar experiences, etc. who can maybe shed some light for me on what he might be going through. Coming from your perspectives, I feel like I could get a better understanding.

#226965 - 05/27/08 01:43 AM Re: My husband's CSA, a-sex & sexual identity [Re: Support4Husband]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5781
Loc: Lyons, CO USA
As far as the anal video, was it male/female or male/male? I suspect that for a kid to see a heterosexual video of male/female anal, the understanding of where the vagina and anus are are just "down there" and not differentiated between the openings.

It is certainly possible that the sexual stimulating materials, including masturbation, was the initial turn on for him. Premature sexual stimulation for many boys can lead to the experimentation that might not come until years later if they are not abused or exposed to this material early.

Anal stimulation is something that many men enjoy because there are nerve endings there and it can be erotic and add to pleasure. However, if he is re-enacting the abuse, it may not be the best way to be sexual because it is connected to the abuse. Developing your own repetoire of sexual behaviors that are yours and not connected to the abuse is a better way to go, if possible.

Blissfully retired after 35 years treating sexual abuse

#231823 - 06/19/08 02:04 PM Re: My husband's CSA, a-sex & sexual identity [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
bmac Offline
New Here

Registered: 09/28/07
Posts: 27
Loc: Atlantic Canada
Well I have to say that I can relate to your husband in many different levels, for me, I was abused by my uncle at 7, then raped by my best friend when I was 10, for me I had so many tendecies with ts, anal sex, being pegged that it was really confusing. My first marriage I tried to open up and talk about it, but she was the right person or support for me to do that, although I did try to express my interest in anal sex, she thought I was gay and certainly un supportive. I currently am married to my true love who does understand and support my past, I know I have sexual issues that are different from some and have gone to councilling for them, my counciller of coures was insupport of them as long as it was hurting anyone including myself. My wife does "peg" me from time to time and for me is very enjoyable, But i do find that I don't obsess about it anymore and that for me i just go on with my normal days. I know 100% that I'm not gay, just have interests that turn me on which of course may have been affected from my abuse, rape. But my beautiful wife and I do have a very healthy sexual relationship, which couldn't be possible without her openness and support and understanding of my confussion, and past history. Everyone is diffent, but just thought i would fill in with my two cents in hopes to tell you that your husband isn't alone or the only one with these thoughts that are come from past sexual history. I commend you for being open and supportive to him and for yorself to get help, it's not easy dealing with demons or past in our head, feeling all alone to work things out, and they do play a part in your life, i wish you all the best, and hope you get the help from within, eachother with your abuse. Regards,

#237158 - 07/10/08 03:24 AM Re: My husband's CSA, a-sex & sexual identity [Re: bmac]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
As a woman and a spouse of a survivorI would like to add my 2 cents. I try to be very understanding about the sex and the abuse, and how it messes with the mind. My H questions his sexuality on occasion. I try to explain to him that who is to say what the "norm is" when it comes to sex. You guys beat your selves up for something that was out of your control, and if you think about it, many,many, many,(non abused) heterosexual men love alot of the things in bed(and so do women) that you guys beat yourself up for and are ashamed of. If 2 people are in a consensual adult relationship, and they trust one another,what is the problem? they have a right to do what ever they want, to like it, enjoy it, whatever, as long as both parties are comfortable and no one is getting hurt.
One more thing, don't all men have some sort of penis fixation, don't you come out of the womb with it? Sorry my attempt at humor. LOL. Anyway I know it is easy for me to say, I am not walking in your shoes, but like I tell my spouse, "cut your self some slack, you are but a mere human." NYDAISY

sorry am I being to foward?

Edited by NY Daisy (07/10/08 06:50 PM)

#247939 - 09/03/08 01:05 AM Re: My husband's CSA, a-sex & sexual identity [Re: NY Daisy]
oneday Offline

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 8
Loc: pacific northwest
hello support4husband,
thanks for your thread, my wife and i can relate a lot to what your going through.
she (my wife) also found TS porn and BDSM websites on my computer and we have had some of the same talks. i am also in several 12-step groups and we also see therapists. but i am probably a much more severe case. my abuser was my mother. from about the time i was 2 or 3 till i was 12 she sexually abused me. there was also physical and emotional abuse till i was in my early 20's. I think i started cross dressing when i was 4 and as an adult i thought i was a pre-op (or non-op) TG. I was even diagnosed with G.I.D at 25 and was taking hormones to be more femme.
it was shortly after this i began to hang out where TG/TS pre-op prostitutes would gather because i was obsessed with them and i was sexually acting out with them.
as you can see, i was way out of control,....
i could go on with my story, but i've probably said to much already,
the point is, i don't do it now. though rigorous honesty in therapy, each day i realize more and more, that i was in great pain and very confused then, in many respects i still am. But it gets better, one day at a time.

sorry if i babbled on to much.


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