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#226070 - 05/23/08 07:23 PM Dealing with wife who doesnt understand
Arturo DeLacroix Offline

Registered: 05/02/08
Posts: 2
Loc: Ohio
Right now I am going through marriage counseling and today my wife brought up that she wants my mother inolved with our children. I tried explaining that I was abused by my older brother and when I told our mother about it she kept silent to protect the him from consequence. In spite of this I tried with my oldest child to include them and she chose not to be a part. After 6 years of trying to establish a relationship with my mother for the sake of my oldest, my wife wants to try since the older child is not hers. She thinks that I am trying to get revenge. I feel that it since my ex and I both have tried for so long to forge a relationship between grandma and grandchild she doesn't need an opportunity with the new baby. Even if it was because of my past abuse would I be wrong? Had anyone other than a blood relative been responsible for my abuse there would have been consequences and no doubt my wife wouldn't want that person in our chilren's life. I don't feel that blood exempts anyone from their actions. Our counselor said I should give a little and if I am not in contact with my mother it shouldn't be a problem. Am I wrong in feeling that my mother has no right to my children since she allowed her own child to be abused?

#226071 - 05/23/08 07:25 PM Re: Dealing with wife who doesnt understand [Re: Arturo DeLacroix]
MarkK Offline

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2652
Loc: Denver, CO
I'd be standing right beside you, if I were there.
I happen to agree with you.


#226072 - 05/23/08 07:29 PM Re: Dealing with wife who doesnt understand [Re: MarkK]
Ken Followell Offline
Past President

Registered: 12/30/01
Posts: 992
Loc: Bradenton, FL
Remind your wife that your Mom choose to protect her reputation rather than to protect you when you told her of the abuse. And ask, is that the kind of grandma you want for our children?

I hope if she thinks of it in those terms you will both be in agreement on the answer.

Good luck!

Ken Followell

Everything works out right in the end. If things are not working right, it isn't the end yet. Don't let it bother you, relax and keep on goin
- Michael C. Muhammad

"I get up. I walk. I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing."
ÔŅĹ Rabbi Hillel

#226119 - 05/23/08 10:14 PM Re: Dealing with wife who doesnt understand [Re: Ken Followell]
KENKEN Offline

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
My older brother was my perp. As far as I can remember, I did on 2 occasions tell my mom what my brother was doing to me. But the sexual abuse continued for over 5 years.

As far as I am concerned, my mother also abused me! I always thought that parents were suppose to love their children and protect them.

I feel you have every right to feel the way you do. You are a good man and father to "stand up" and protect your children. I am proud of you!



From the Movie: Antwone Fisher


#226185 - 05/24/08 01:53 AM Re: Dealing with wife who doesnt understand [Re: KENKEN]
Grunty1967b Offline

Registered: 07/28/05
Posts: 861
Loc: Australia
To have a parent not stop abuse under their own roof (because they donít know itís going on) is bad enough. I think they should know and perhaps they do suspect at different times but they donít know how to handle it. When they are told it IS going on and then do nothing, they are part of the abuse from then on if you ask me.

Your mother failed to protect you once she knew. She chose this over protecting your perp brother. I assume your brother is still around? If your brother was to abuse or try to abuse your children whilst in the shared care of your mother do you trust your mother to make him stop? Or would she again just choose to let it go?

Can you really trust her with your kids? Do you want to take that risk?

I donít have kids but if I did I would EVER allow them to be any where near my perp brother, and based on my familiesí extreme level of dysfunction, I wouldnít allow my kids to be alone with my parents. They are simply not a good healthy influence. I would always want to be present.

#226232 - 05/24/08 04:00 AM Re: Dealing with wife who doesnt understand [Re: Grunty1967b]
chrty Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/13/08
Posts: 27
Loc: new york
Have you seen the DR. PHIL episode where the father molested his daughter . then he molested his grandson. The daughter told the mother and brother. They refused to believe her. This is the same principal. Just because the mother was a ninny doesn't mean that she is innocent. SHe is not she is guilty of helping the perp. How? just closing her eyes.
Tell your wife your child is tooooooo precious to prove you are right. You get the picture right.also I suggest she read some of the stories on these discussion boards.

if i had to do it all again i wouldn't

#226274 - 05/24/08 10:06 AM Re: Dealing with wife who doesnt understand [Re: chrty]
bmac Offline
New Here

Registered: 09/28/07
Posts: 27
Loc: Atlantic Canada
I have a child and I don't let my daughter see my grandmother for the reason she supports my uncle and condone what he did to me, my wife fully supports and understands that, for me it's not about a relative not seeing there grandchild, it's about protecting my daughter and me from people who were and could be harmful in my life, if your wife knew that this grandparent was a murderer, or condone a murder, would her opinion be different, some don't realize our abuse, rape in thought is sometimes way worse then being murdered. It sounds like your wife is loving, because she wants the grandparents involved in your childs life, but for me just seems that she doesn't fully understand, I agree about the comment to have her read some articles on here, hopefully some insightful litature, and hopefully maybe a sit down conversation where you can talk about how important and serious of this situation really is. I tip my hat to you, because it takes a lot of will power to know and stand up like you are doing, and not easy for anyone, I wish you all the best.....GOD BLESS,

#226275 - 05/24/08 10:43 AM Re: Dealing with wife who doesnt understand [Re: bmac]
GateKPR4 Offline

Registered: 10/29/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
My brother, his wife & 10 yo daughter plan on moving down south with me. I have an aunt in the next town who's husband is an abuser and she talked to them about moving to the house across the street so the 10 yo can go to the school there and she could watch her after school got out. This is after being told that my uncle is a perp. So thats just not going to happen. Here it is that she knows but refuses to do anything or believe it. She put all us kids in danger by this man while we were 12-13 yo leaving us with him all day while she worked. So as far as I'm concerned she is just as much an abuser as him by enabling him to be alone with kids. I have to agree with Grunty.

I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
|| || || || || || |

#226290 - 05/24/08 12:18 PM Re: Dealing with wife who doesnt understand [Re: GateKPR4]
hogan_dawg Offline

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
I'd keep the Mother away from the kids for one reason: You don't like her perspective on child sexual abuse. Until she changes her attitude to your satisfaction, she's on the "No fly" list.

Remember, she took sides. She took the wrong side.

So after taking the wrong side she's 'entitled' to see your kids? Bah that's crap.

And your counselor is a schmuck - I'd lose the counselor and tell the counselor in the session exactly and precisely why s/he is being dropped. Suggest that the counselor go for sensitivity training. Give him/her the business card of a good psychiatrist. If s/he can't 'get' that you were sexually abused and dear old Mom dissed you and invalidated you, then s/he should be retrained.


Edited by hogan_dawg (05/24/08 12:27 PM)
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003


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