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#225868 - 05/23/08 12:08 AM How do I let him know he's not alone
antiphaedre Offline

Registered: 04/26/08
Posts: 8
Hello again, I don't really know where to start but Guy and I have had several conversations where he has indicated a lot of guilt and anguish about thoughts and feelings that he has that from my perspective are really quite normal and very typical of CSA survivors.

He has never told me any details about what happened to him and I know that he's never told anyone else either. I think he could really benefit from a place like this or reading more about male CSA survivors so that he can at least have some proper perspective on his thoughts and feelings but I have no idea how to approach this.

He has stated that he does not want to talk about what happened and I don't want to push but it's so hard for me to watch him struggle and I hate that he feels so alone. Any advice?

Edited by antiphaedre (05/23/08 12:09 AM)

#225922 - 05/23/08 05:18 AM Re: How do I let him know he's not alone [Re: antiphaedre]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hi Antiphaedre,

A person has to be ready to begin healing, and pushing them into it will many times just make them resist that. My advice would be to buy him a copy of Mike Lew's book called "Victims No Longer" and tell him you thought he might find it interesting. I think once he starts reading it, it will open up a lot of things for him, particularly when he comes to the realization that all those things he's thought about himself through the years are false.


#225952 - 05/23/08 10:48 AM Re: How do I let him know he's not alone [Re: EGL]
JustJeff Offline

Registered: 03/19/08
Posts: 262
Um. I have a question. two actually. 1.) Is Guy your boyfriend? and 2. ) are you from the state of new work?


#226140 - 05/23/08 11:28 PM Re: How do I let him know he's not alone [Re: JustJeff]
antiphaedre Offline

Registered: 04/26/08
Posts: 8
No Jeff, he is not my boyfriend. We are very good friends that have been circling around dating but we just haven't been able to get there and I'm pretty sure the CSA is part of the reason for that. Also I am not from New York.

And thank you for the advice Eddie that sounds like a good idea. Still I'll accept any other suggestions anyone else has too as I am sure I'm going to need all the help I can get.

I suppose I should give a little more history (very little as this is kind of hard for me plus this really isn't about me) but I am a CSA and rape survivor. Still it's hard for me to know exactly how to support him with this as I am coming from a very different place than him. I was lucky because I was introduced to therapy pretty young and I have had a lot of time to work on the issues steming from the abuse.

I strongly believe that he could benefit from that same kind of help but I am equally aware of how much damage can be done by well meaning but pushy help. So trust me like I said before I really could use all the help I can get.

#226195 - 05/24/08 02:21 AM Re: How do I let him know he's not alone [Re: antiphaedre]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey

It's so hard when you know, but the survivor has simply dumped the information on you and now can't talk about it. I was there too. Eddie's suggestion is a good one. You can give him the book and he can choose to pick it up or not when he's ready. Other than that, there really is no way for you to bring it up for discussion unless he does it first, and even then, a conversation just might not happen. He may be waiting you out to see if the proverbial other shoe will drop on him. It will probably take time before he realizes that it won't.

The fact that he told you at all speaks to how highly he must think of you and that's a good thing. Keep being his friend and his confidant when he needs it. Being a friend is a wonderful gift; I think it's the best thing you can do.

ROCK ON......Trish

If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.


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