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#225993 - 05/23/08 03:01 PM Why is it so hard?
JasonSmalls Offline

Registered: 12/01/07
Posts: 142
Loc: NJ
Why is it so hard? That's what I keep thinking lately. Everyone has bad memories of something, and they get along just fine in life. Why is abuse so hard to overcome? Is there an answer or is that the million-dollar question all of us would like answered?

And not only is it just a bad memory that screws with you, but it affects everything that happens or doesn't happen to you forever. I'm not expert and I've only been away from the abuse for a couple of years, but shouldn't things be just a little easier than they are? I hear people saying all the time, "Nobody ever said life was easy." Ok, that's fine. But why does it have to be so hard for some of us and it looks so easy for others?

I love a boy right now. I mean I really, really love him and I soooo badly want to be with him. But I just found out yesterday that he doesn't feel the same way for me. He likes girls. Such a bummer! Just once, I'd like some guy to come up to me and be so head over heals for me like I am him. Why doesn't that shit ever happen to me? And then when I do meet someone I like and he likes me back, and I have to do all the work to get with him and show him that I'm a really great guy, I screw it up. I act like the Queer Eye guys on crack." I don't get me sometimes and it's in those times I have a very difficult time figuring out myself.

Sometimes I just go with my gut. Well, not sometimes, a lot. Unfortunately, my gut is all screwed up like my brain and I end up doing or saying the wrong things to the people I care about most. I wish I never said anything to my friend (who I'll refer to as Zack) because now there's no chance of me getting with him because he just doesn't feel the same way. Before I asked him out, at least there was still hope of "us." Now there's no hope.
And now I have nothing to daydream about except for a guy who I know I can never have. \:\(

Maybe I should buy a plane ticket to Portugal or Mongolia and put his gf on it and send her on her way so I can have him for myself. Yeah! That's an idea. I can tell Zack, that she called and said she's moving to get away from him. Ahhh... I dunno.

Sometimes I wish things were different and my life didn't happen the way it did. Oh well...


#226012 - 05/23/08 03:45 PM Re: Why is it so hard? [Re: JasonSmalls]
Freedom49 Offline

Registered: 12/31/07
Posts: 2724
Loc: Washington State
Given time and increased typing skills I could probably explain the technical reasons "why it is so hard?" I would probably lose you part way through it though but in the end knowing the why as I understand it does not really matter to me anyway. It is what it is.

I read your post and I ache with many of those same questions. Why does being messed up sexually when I am still a child affect me all my life.

One thing that didn't help was the fact that I had no one to talk to about it. This was back in the 50's and 60's and it was not widely understood. Nor was there internet websites such as this one to stumble on to. I dealt with the symptoms all my life one way or another and coped but lived a very unhappy life. Once here, once I started really dealing with the root cause I thought I was going nuts. I was thrilled to find so many like me but all this stuff started flooding out of me and I went on the emotional roller coaster of my life. I will spare you the details but that old why question came up a lot.

Things have leveled out some now and I am starting to really enjoy my life and my family but as I look back I realize this crap infected my entire life and all my relationship.

Infected is an apt term for it too. It is like I was infected by my dad and I carried at least some portion of that diseae to everyone I came in contact with. Each were either slighly or even heavily poisoned by contact with me.

Now that I have dealt with the "infection" I seem to be spreading some healing to those around me. Maybe as you too heal Joey. Healing will come to those you touch also. I hope so. You have suffered long enough.

#226086 - 05/23/08 08:17 PM Re: Why is it so hard? [Re: Freedom49]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

Roger has some great ideas for you, and I'll just add that one big reason why abuse is worse than other bad memories is that abuse changes the way we think about ourselves. A boy who is being abused very quickly starts to learn a whole lot of false lessons about himself and how he fits into the world.

These are different for all of us, of course, but some of the false lessons are these: he may feel worthless or think he's only good for one thing, he may feel he has to give sex in order to have a friend, he may think that if others are nice to him or compliment him they are really just hitting on him, he may have difficulty with sex because he remembers it as something that adults do to hurt kids, he may think that good things don't and won't happen to him, he may feel abandoned by everyone, he may think he is unlovable, and so on.

All of those are terrible things to think, right? How many of them sound familiar to you? I bet more than one! But even if it's only one that would explain why abuse is a lot worse than other memories for you.

The problem is also that in order to heal from this terrible experience we have to deal with those feelings. We have to drag them out into the light and work on them, and that will bring back a lot of painful and tramatic memories that we might really like to just forget.

And dealing with them is the only way, Joey. You know, I look at you and the other teens and my first thought is how lucky you are, dealing with these problems now at the beginning of your life. Most of us could not do that, for various reasons that are not our fault. But you are going to be able to heal and get control of your life back with many decades to go and many wonderful things to discover and experience in life.

It will not happen as quickly as you want. And for the time being you will have problems with relationships and other things. But many of those problems are problems that all teen guys have anyway. Not everything that seems messed up in your life is because of abuse. Some of it is just the turmoil of growing up.

But my main point here is that you can do this, really you can. Yes, it will be challenging and difficult - maybe the most difficult thing you ever do in all your life. But just the fact that you are here shows you have what it takes.

Keep talking, Joey. You are doing really well, even if it doesn't seem so right now.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#226118 - 05/23/08 10:14 PM Re: Why is it so hard? [Re: roadrunner]
JasonSmalls Offline

Registered: 12/01/07
Posts: 142
Loc: NJ
How do you know all this stuff Larry? SHit! I think you know more than my shrink. Plus you communicate it better. Thanks!

Love, Joey

#226134 - 05/23/08 10:47 PM Re: Why is it so hard? [Re: JasonSmalls]
GateKPR4 Offline

Registered: 10/29/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
One thing I learned was that even though others appear to have their crap together it was not always so. Many people we see who are doing well now after something traumatic were not always that way. I try not to compare my trauma to others because trauma is trauma and the recovery process is a little different for everyone but the trauma affect is not. Fight or Flight? we go into survival mode and we do one or the other. Some of us who may seem to have it together actually went through quite a bit of flight before we started to fight. For me it was 25 years of drugs, alcohol & bad relationships. That was my flight from the reality. Then after sobering up I made the decision to fight and come clean about my abuse. Its still not easy, and sometimes its still pretty bad but its nothing like it was when I was running away. Trauma is hard on anyone and it takes time to get over. Some people may recover faster but that does not mean it was not hard for them. Then there are some who just act as if they are OK but really are crumbling inside and we can't see it. Kinda like the macho effect "I'm a man and I can handle it" "I don't show emotions" "I can handle it on my own" Things I once thought but I know now its not true its a facade that carried with me for years. It might be hard today but all in all it is getting better.

I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
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#226166 - 05/24/08 01:20 AM Re: Why is it so hard? [Re: GateKPR4]

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 983
i believe that the reason that most people on this list list do a better job that a shrink . Is because the shrink is trying to use some book . and does not have any practial experence .
I have ben liveing with this crap for 30 years and it is hard to deal with every day but I still try



"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"


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