"lost my trust. lost my respect. i think I'm beginning to resent her."
Jake, I can't say I blame you. You've tried to help her the best you could and its not good enuf--for her. It doesn't seem she's trying very hard to see your side or anyone's but her own.
Part of that may be trying to "break the mold," which is fine as long as you don't go around trying to break everybody else in the process.
Remembering your story, I think her T may be playing a role in this too. I understand your reluctance to do that group therapy with her. She seems one-sided and something about her, just from what you've said, sets me on guard...
The point is, you were just as much a child & thus just as much a victim in all this as she was Jake. Don't let her, a T, or even your own inner & false guilt ever tell you any different.
OK so yours was a male dominance family system. Don't forget it was still an adult
dominance family system, as all abusive family systems are. You had no dominance or control in that abusive system.
The fact that you were male obviously did not change that. You were still abused. Any abuse you "perpetrated" you were forced to "perpetrate" by the abusive adults with the power & control & dominance.
Thus, you were in fact not a perpetrator at all. No legitimate survivors or other recovery group, no legitimate medical, legal, or moral definition, defines you as such. So Jake don't hurt yourself by defining yourself that way. Don't let k define your self that way.
If you could have stopped the abuse she suffered you would have, just as you would have stopped your own. You did not have the physical or emotional or the power of any kind to do so. Had you tried, you no doubt would have brot even more abuse upon you & her. Maybe you did try, and if so I'm sure that's what happened.
You had no power or control or dominance. This was not just a male dominance system, it was an adult male dominance system. Period.
If k is saying otherwise she is being selfish at best. If her T is saying otherwise she is a feminazi at best. IMNSHO!
Jake don't let yourself be victimized by the old gender double standards in this situation. This antique abomination of an idea, that boys had more power to prevent their abuse (or that of others) than girls, is one of the main things that hinders us from healing ourselves & hinders others who ought to be helping us heal. This is the very kind of thing MS exists to stand against!
Most of all, it is a lie that is victimizing you all over again! Jake, refuse to be a victim! Be a survivor, becuz that's what you are!
If that means severing contact w k, you have every right & obligation to yourself to do so. And obligation to her--you'll do her no favor by giving any fuel to the fire of her lies, wherever they're coming from.
She wants to make this recovery all about her. Fine. Let her make her own recovery all about her. Your own recovery must be about you. If she can't accept mutual support in recovery, then she builds resentment in you & isolates herself in "recovery." That's not your fault, either.
I feel for k, really. And clearly you care about her, or your trying to. But you can't let her blame & destroy you, which wouldn't show care for her anyway...
Blaming a then 4 year old boy to his 9 year old face! Excuse me, but that strikes me as very sexist, very bitter, very malicious, and very narcisstic.
It also reeks of the smell of her T. Jake, I have to wonder what kind of relationship they have. Clearly not a very healthy T-client relationship.
Clearly not one you need to be involved in or pay any attention to as far as your own recovery.
Sorry Jake, I'm fighting to get down off my soapbox here. And I admit I react strongly to things like this becuz I spent my childhood years in a very female dominance & very abusive family system. Even the few men who abused me were instigated by my mother. So I've had it up to my ears & over my head with this demonic double standard sh*t!
Jake you owe her nothing; you've already tried to given more than you can or need to, and she's thrown it back in your face apparently.
Personally, I think you're wise to not trust her with you brother, your cousin, the kids, or with anything.
Yes I feel sorry for her. She needs recovery too.
But that's not your responsibility. And where she's headed right now is not recovery. It seems like she's living off a vendetta against the entire male gender, of your family & maybe beyond.
She needs to get that out of her system, not have it fed by your needless guilt. Or by her T--but that you can't do anything about, except stay away from the whole situation.
Come on Wuame, get down off the box!...
Jake, don't be destroyed by this. You were a victim. You are a survivor. Don't be revictimized.
We need you here as a survivor. You need to survive. Take care of yourself, friend.