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#225329 - 05/20/08 05:53 PM Rape and Guns ***TRIGGERING THREAD***
LW1527 Offline

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
I hope this is not triggering to anyone. I just got back from my therapist. It was a horrible session! We talked about my flashbacks of rape and the the flashback about the gun pointed at my head. I told my T that I didn't understand why I couldn't get over it. As a kid I had been beaten and molested so many times, but I didn't know why the rape should be such a big deal. I don't know what I did wrong or what I did to provoke it. It just happened. And I just laid on the cold tile floor unable to move, unable to make a sound. I couldn't even yell. At another time I was forced to have sex at gun point. I felt nothing. I was numb. I didn't even fear death. But today, after my session, my chest tightened and felt like it was going to crush. I could hardly walk and felt disoriented. I felt SHOCK! For the first time after these events I felt shock. I went back to work, sat at my computer, and cried. I stuffed it back down a bit so I could get through the day. Boy, I hurt and I think this is just the beginning. Thanks MS for being there for me to dump on.

Edited by walkingsouth (05/21/08 11:36 PM)

#225330 - 05/20/08 06:19 PM Re: Rape and Guns [Re: LW1527]
Freedom49 Offline

Registered: 12/31/07
Posts: 2724
Loc: Washington State
I think you are just finally FEELING. You stuffed all of that fear and shock and hurt and anger deep during the incidents in order to survive and keep some form of dignity till it was over and you were in a place where you could process it. With the help and the safety of your T now you are feeling safe enough to begin processing the loss and the grief. Let it go guy. Cry, vent, rant, feel and process it all. It will be a healing thing for you and you will feel much better. Don't fight it. It is normal, healthy and good for you to get it all out. Thanks for sharing it will help others too.

Take care

Edited by Freedom49 (05/20/08 06:20 PM)

#225360 - 05/20/08 09:28 PM Re: Rape and Guns [Re: Freedom49]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

I agree with Roger, and I'll just add that I hope you mention all this to your T in your next session. It sounds like you may be moving too fast. Therapy should not expose you to such new pain and trauma, and if it does that suggests you are headed in the right direction but perhaps need to slow things down a bit.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#225362 - 05/20/08 09:36 PM Re: Rape and Guns [Re: LW1527]
reality2k4 Offline

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6845
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
This is a tough one for me too, I was held at knife point, but I realized that my life was in danger from that point, but put things out of my mind because of the difficulty in thinking that I would die in the instance.

It can have so much negative influence when weapons are involved, and can lead to loss of self worth at a young age.
You probably got threatened with your life, if you did tell, but that is how they protect themselves, by using your fear.

Abusers are pretty good at protecting their own backs, even if they pretty much try and kill the kid in the process, by making them think it was their fault.

Always remember, it was NOT your fault,


Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

#225393 - 05/21/08 12:43 AM Re: Rape and Guns [Re: reality2k4]
Naruto Offline

Registered: 05/15/08
Posts: 7
Hey LW1527,

Dude, I can't say I know what you've been through, so I'm not gonna even pretend. But from the sounds of it you've been through a lot, and you've come really, really far. . .respect man.

I agree with the others, crying, frustration, the need to scream and the shock. . .I think these are GOOD signs! I'm glad to hear you're making progress with your T. Hang in there buddy; all of us here at MS are rootin' for you.

#225412 - 05/21/08 02:21 AM Re: Rape and Guns [Re: Naruto]
johnnymike Offline

Registered: 03/08/08
Posts: 56
Loc: Central Ohio
LW I can relate and I am sorry you were raped and also at gunpoint. The fear of what was happening and would I survive was what was on my mind. You did nothing wrong the wrong was within your rapist. I realized the lack of fear came for me from my going someplace in my mind while it was happening. Having been abused as a child and being a victim of abuse continued on for me as an adult.

My last therapist told me I was still numb to the pain which will keep me numb to the pleasure of life. One other thing I share with you is that crushing chest pain. I find I experience it when I am trying to assert myself.

I hope you can find peace.

#225413 - 05/21/08 02:21 AM Re: Rape and Guns [Re: LW1527]
jcf1957 Offline

Registered: 09/11/07
Posts: 192
Loc: North Of The 49th Parallel
Hello LW;

I can identify in exact detail about how you felt. I was gang-raped at gunpoint by two men and a woman with two other male victims at who suffered the same horrid sexual assault, tortures, beatings, and death threats with sawed-off rifles and the barrel a hand-gun forced inside my mouth. I understand the paralyzing fears you were forced to endure. I don't think even a shrink can contemplate ("fully") what it is in actuality to experience the ("real") reality of this utter fear of knowing your going to die at the hands of savage animals. Then adding insult to injury the indignity of being raped, sodomized and tortured. LW; I know well how you feel friend. It takes time to find real healing and peace with ourselves. It takes time to find the strength in our inner selves when such was rudely stolen from us making us feel empty and utterly traumatized beyond human understanding. LW; I am happy you are here. There's a lot of support with ("brothers") at M.S. who know well what you are going through. Is recovery possible ? Being personally a pragmatic thinker who doesn't believe in over-inflated optimism I can only answer by saying; "yes" recovery is plausible. It's a slow process my friend. At least your among brothers. My rape happened twenty-nine years ago and I'm still in kindergarten learning how to cope with my past.
I hope you find peace brother. And welcome to M.S. Much Love Chris

No affliction nor temptation, no guilt nor power of sin, no wounded spirit nor terrified conscious should induce us to despair comfort from God.

Today well lived...makes every tomorrow a vision of Hope.

#225462 - 05/21/08 03:48 AM Re: Rape and Guns [Re: jcf1957]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hi LW,

Sorry to hear that things are this intense for you at the moment, it sounds like things are really tough. You may want to try to pace yourself some in order to not feel so overwhelmed with it all since this stuff can just consume you at times. I hope things get better soon, man. And take the time to care for yourself in good ways where possible.


#225501 - 05/21/08 10:41 AM Re: Rape and Guns [Re: EGL]
Trucker51 Offline

Registered: 05/21/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO

I understand the violent rape at gunpoint issue. I suffered an incident hitchhiking home from work just after I turned 18 (in 1975). I was raped and fairly severe pain was inflicted to my male organ, along with the threat to tear it off. I was twice forced to orgasm over the course of an assault that lasted almost two hours. The guy picked me up, then showed me a black handgun, as he took me to his suburban house, where the garage door opener kept his actions out of sight. The guy was also holding the gun when he told me to strip in his garage as I got out of his van. Once I was led into an interior room, he tied my elbows inside of my knees and my wrists to my ankles, so that I was bent over and spread. I was also gagged. It was a really helpless feeling. I could have been killed or tortured to death, and there was nothing that I could do about it. I couldn't even scream. After he finished, he threatened my life if I ever ratted him out. He had friends who would kill me, I was told. He forced me out of his van at a dark intersection at 3:00 AM and he just drove away as the tears rolled down my face. I walked for over an hour to get home, and numerous times I remember running away from the road in fear to get away from approaching headlights. I was also robbed at gunpoint twice at age 17 & 18 while working in gas stations, once by escaped prisoners in a stolen car. I am lucky to be alive, and so are you.

This incident was the last of 26 different incidents that were inflicted by 10 different men or boys during my childhood. I was just 4 to 5 years old at the time of the first 3 incidents, two of which involved forced genital pain, and I was 8 to 10 years old for the next several incidents of molestation. I was molested by a counselor and suffered forced public nudity at one summer camp at age 11, then was sleeping in a tent at another summer camp when another boy was molested at my age 12. I still remember trying to make myself really small while acting like I was out cold as the other boy was abused just six feet away. Between the age of 12 and 14 I was molested and finally anally fingered by a Vietnam-era ex-Marine over the course of the next 3 incidents. The last of these incidents was fairly violent, and I was forced to orgasm. The ex-Marine was the first to threaten to kill me if I told anyone. I can still remember blockading myself in my bedroom and climbing out of my bedroom window and running down the street to get away, with him running after me, just as a neighbor drove in. My next-door neighbor (two years older) cheated at strip poker to molest both me (twice) and a friend of mine (once) at age 12 and 13. I suffered a hellish and violent week of physical and sexual abuse at the hands of a friend of my aunt's, next door to her house in rural Vermont after I had been kicked-out of high school at 16 & 1/2. When I tried to hitchhike away from the abuse one week later the Vermont State Patrol picked me up, wouldn't believe me, and had my abuser come and pick me up for some more violent abuse. Then there were the hitchhiking incidents, three of them, between age 16 and 18. Only the last incident was violent at the point of a gun, though the incidents with the ex-Marine and the guy from Vermont were violent at the point of both actual and implied physical violence. The ex-Marine was many times my strength, and just after he returned from Vietnam, he acted in an insane manner with a hair-trigger temper.

My parents were devout members of a cult faith-healing church. My father was physically abusive and after the incidents at the age of five I regressed and had a terrible fear of public bathrooms. I was beaten by my dad numerous times for soiling my pants. After the pain incidents and the beatings I grew fond of genital pain, including self-inflicted pain, by age six. I never received any medical care for any problems until I broke my leg at age 12. For 3 days my mother tried to faith-heal my broken leg then my parents fought over whether to take me to the hospital. The ER doctor was forced to rebreak and reset my leg without pain medication, when my mother invoked her church's legal medical exemption. And several of my abusers never would have been babysitting unless they had been members of my parent's oddball church, including the ex-Marine.

At age 14, three weeks after I had last been ravished by the ex-Marine, I was caught in a motel bathroom with my 12 year old sister with our clothes off. My mother was really mad but she didn't violently attack me until after I told her about AJ's abuse of me just three weeks earlier. This occurred just a few days after the end of my first same-sex relationship at another summer camp. I was punched repeatedly and forced to the floor while she kicked me in the stomach and crotch while screaming that I was lying about AJ, because he was from our church. So, my first attempt to reveal my sexual abuse ended very badly for me. In Mic Hunter's book Abused Boys, one quoted study gives parent's reasons for not acting after their son revealed an incident of molestation. Only 4 percent of the parents said that they didn't act because they thought that the accusation was a lie. I am one of the four percent crowd, and was violently physically abused because of my alleged lie. (Some years later I found out that my sister had also been sexually abused by other trusted Church babysitters).

I started drinking and illegal drug use at the age of 14. My grades became steadily worse after first grade. I had been in an advanced program for allegedly gifted children and was well ahead of many of my classmates at one point. But I began to care less and less and became more and more isolated over time, as my molestation and abuse continued unabated. I started hanging with a stoner crowd in 9th grade, and a street gang by 11th grade. As it turned out later, many of my friends had also suffered some form of abuse. I had a gay genital pain relationship with another young masochist-type between age 22 and 24, while we were under the influence of IV cocaine. I first tried to quit illegal drug use at the age of 28, when I was undergoing individual counseling at a university in Ohio. This first attempt at resolving my problems through therapy was fairly successful, as I was married at that time, after having almost no opposite sex relationships to that point.

My first marriage ended in divorce just 2 & 1/2 years later. My wife knew that there was something wrong with me. I wasn't acting like a normal 30 year old man. My cocaine use came back with a vengeance, and the combination of my divorce, my coke abuse, and the recession of 1990 destroyed my life. I just didn't care again. Over the next 6 years I overdosed several times, and am lucky to still be around. Toward the end I had another coke/sexual pain relationship, this time with a young woman. As had been the case in my earlier gay drug/pain relationship, we both enjoyed having sexual pain inflicted when we were high. In early 1996 my family confronted me, and I entered outpatient drug treatment. After a big relapse a few months later it was off to Minnesota to inpatient drug treatment.

It took 3 trips to primary care and 3 extended outpatient care groups to finally end my illegal addictions more than three years later. I did see a therapist (Jeff Casebolt) in Denver for some time just before I left, and did go through personal counseling for my childhood sexual abuse issues both at Hazelden and with Mic Hunter while I lived in Minnesota. I did have some limited male survivor support group exposure in both Denver and the Twin Cities. After more than three years of fighting, and having to let go of several long-time friends, I finally got myself back up on the wall.

These last eight years have been the best years of my life. I have had a couple of LTRs and am currently engaged to be married to a woman that I've been with for over two years now. My boss likes me and I have been on my current job for over 3 times as long as my next longest job pre-treatment. I own a $300,000 home in a golf community. I still don't act my age and still am not as sexually aggressive as some women would like. I have gained a fair amount of weight and now take blood pressure medication. I also suffer from E.D., though its nothing that a little Cialis won't fix. If I can just hold it together for another 12 to 15 years, we can retire middle class. I've almost got it made.

My advice would be to stick with your treatment. If you don't get along with your therapist Mic Hunter is a nationally-recognized published authority on the subject. (And one of the founders of this site, which I didn't know at the time). His office is in St. Paul, MN. My experience with Jeff Casebolt was also quite positive. I tried searching for him recently but didn't find him. And there were two good therapists in Cleveland, OH, Roland Moore and Courtney Pullen, from Cleveland State University's Counseling Center. At Cleveland State, full-time students get to use the counseling center for free. If you are addicted to drugs I recommend getting off of the stuff. Even Hazelden recommends treating childhood abuse issues concurrently with substance abuse treatment. I still won't have anything to do with organized religion. But my life is at least 90% these days. My issues with my abusive upbringing are mostly in the past. My future is what concerns me now.

I found this site completely by chance while searching Google for sexual abuse recovery issues. I was convinced to try it after one of the founder's statements about survivors and the positive aspects of sharing. I am most of the way to freedom from the sexual abuse and other childhood abuse that I suffered so many years ago. I was hoping to share my story to possibly give others hope and encouragement. Please feel free to communicate on a private basis if you so desire. My treatment was long, hard, and very difficult, and there were several times that I gave-up and many other times that I wanted to give-up. But I finally stuck with it and the results have been very good. I hope that you can stay with your therapy too. Don't give up or hide your head in the sand. Your personal recovery is way too important to give it up now. The hardest part is the first visit to a therapist and you are way past that now. Confronting your past abuse issues is always difficult, but the hardest part is behind you.

I hope that you stay with it and eventually overcome your demons. This is the first time that I have ever shared the story of my rape at gunpoint outside of just once in the protected venue of individual counseling, so you can thank yourself for helping me just a little bit in my recovery. It happened almost 33 years ago and tonight is only the 2nd time that I ever told anyone.

Thanks for your help and please accept my advice. Stay with your therapy and I hope that someday you can enjoy the freedom that I have enjoyed these last eight years.



#225508 - 05/21/08 11:49 AM Re: Rape and Guns [Re: Trucker51]
GateKPR4 Offline

Registered: 10/29/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
I remember when I first started to feel again, it was like anything could set me off crying, I actually left work a couple times that first month because I just could not control it. Its actually a good sign and hope for the future. As with all of this abuse stuff it takes time. I kind of go through growth spurts and then back away for a while and let it all take hold. Its all new to us so we really have to learn something new. Talking about our abuse and feeling breaks all the rules our mind or abusers set us up for. It feels wrong yet after we break them we find that it was not talking and feeling that was wrong and keeping us in pain. I wish you well, it does get better.

I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
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