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#22509 - 10/14/03 01:20 AM new query on fantasies
theo Offline

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1122
in light of sinking's very valid point of remaining focused on the given topic of a thread i have followed his suggestion to start a new one. to sean and sinking, please accept my apologies. the question i posed came to me as i was reading that thread and it simply followed to respond within its parameters. below is the post i sent in regarding my question. at this point, flashbacks are not yet a serious issue for me unless i am physically and mentally exhausted, but the need to stabilize my self perception increases with each question i put to myself about the fantasies i have. once that is taken care then i can focus on other equally serious issues about my recovery. valuable lesson i learned here, and i want to thank sinking for the oppurtunity to learn it.

i want to throw in my support as well. i plan on being more direct tin that later, but the last two responses before mine raised the question i have been struggling with the last few weeks. i still struggle with the fantasies of adolescent girls, but have gained some ground in understanding certain aspects of the dynamic so i am not so hard on myself as of late. all the responses to that post and the pm's have done wonders for putting that into a more balanced perspective. the question i have now concerns the use of fantasies during intimacy with one's significant other in order to be able to participate fully. more specifically, the use of fantasies during intimacy was one of the things that most hurt lady theo when this all hit the fan three months ago. i did not need to use fantasy at those times because it was not necessary. there had been one or two times that an image intruded when we were intimate, but i shut those off immediately. i felt extreme guilt for even having such an image during our intimacy. lately this has had an impact on our intimacy because i do not want to hurt her in any way and the guilt i feel just takes that feeling of intimacy away. the question i have is simply this, in light of the current conversation and our individual histories, are fantasies of others during intimacy detrimental to self and/or SO? i do not want to imply in any way i am making a value judgement here on this issue. quite the contrary in fact. i am concerned about the effects of my guilt, and the influence of what i survived, are having on my relationship. how normal is it to have such fantasies while in the middle of intimacy with one you love? my own experience is far too negative for me to have a balanced perspective. i don't want to hurt her again, but i don't want to hurt myself either. i know i am being to hard on myself, but i am faced with debating whether or not i am being unfaithful in some weird way when those images intrude. sorry, rambling (such is my forte' ). if response to this is beyond the scope of this thread please do not hesitate to pm.

as can be seen, i really have no insight to offer sean and sinking. what i can say is that i am traveling that road as well and will gladly share what i have been going through if it helps either of you.

journey well,

journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

#22510 - 10/14/03 02:12 PM Re: new query on fantasies
Sinking Offline

Registered: 09/26/03
Posts: 577
Loc: Took my ball and went home.
I think I pretty much 'live in the moment' so to speak, while being intimate with my wife but there have been occassions when fantasy has entered the picture. I've never felt guilty about it, I guess because I've always heard and read that it's perfectly normal and healthy to fantasize. Surely it is not cheating. A thought is only a thought. Acting on the fantasy, thereby making it reality, would be another story. There have been times when my wife and I have verbalized the fantasy of another man being there with us at those most intimate of moments, resulting in some of the better sex we've had. We've also indulged in porn flicks together, to get the mood flowing, even to imitate the acts on the screen. While not a fantasy created in the mind, it is fantasy nonetheless. I wonder if your partner might be willing to share in some of your fantasies. If the age of the subject is what is bothering you most (you mention adolescent girls) maybe you could find as much satisfaction by raising the age. There is a series of videos out there called "Barely Legal", the point being that the girls are at least 18 years old but look young. No guilt involved there, especially if you can share it with your wife and convince her (and yourself) that they are nothing more than fantasy and will remain that way. Sorry, almost free-flowing thoughts here. I hope some of it might be helpful.


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