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#225141 - 05/19/08 09:12 PM Re: ulp [Re: ineffable]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

Originally Posted By: ineffable
I want love
I want to be loved
I want to love
I have felt love here
I have felt loved here
It has terrified me
It has brought me to tears
It's what keeps me here

There will be more.

Good!!! I think you're doing a great job talking through all these problems. Has it helped you?

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#225376 - 05/20/08 10:43 PM Re: ulp [Re: roadrunner]
ineffable Offline

Registered: 02/07/08
Posts: 1371
Loc: state of holeecrapdood
Originally Posted By: arronb
Intimacy... vulnerability... selfworth... trust...
Bang... big deflect

Hey Gav... ya missed one... how about control?

Fear has controlled most of my life
It has gotten the better of me
It had got the best of me too
Until I came here
Sometimes I can bring it out & give the best of me here
Fear is still in there BIGTIME
But I deal
In my signature 3D stands for DEEP DEEP DEEP
cuz that's where I need to go

I came here mainly because I was lonely & I wanted to be known... maybe even accepted by my peers
I was looking to make meaningful connections with men who had experienced fucked up shit like I had
Because I figured that would be all it would take... to have that in common
I was wrong
Pain does different things to us & we deal & cope in our own ways
& ironically it isn't someones pain I initially feel
It is something... ineffable?

I wasn't groomed by any of my abusers
It was more opportunistic abuse for want to a better term
Resulting from the neglect of my parents
I cut them way too much slack because I want to avoid a shitload of pain & RAGE
Because if I go 3D I have to own that my biggest issue in Recovery is the betrayal
I suffered by the "concept" of parenthood & not the abusive experiences

Personal enuff for the time being

There will be more

Your perspective surprises & refreshes me.
By the way, my favourite colour is green & I hate canned peas... squash too

Yes I have always done best one on one
I like to give who I am with my full attention & I get antsy in a crowd
Even in a chat room

Thanks for the warm words & let me know how you & arron fare with Jarrad

Hyperanalytical served me well in the past.
All about self protection bro but that is changing slowly here.
Hey... it's A life

Yes it has helped me talking through the "love problem".
My friendships here are much stronger &
I have actually been able to be "in" my feelings more so since posting this.


:: "Anyone who can handle a needle convincingly can make us see a thread which is not there" ::

#225432 - 05/21/08 03:00 AM Re: ulp [Re: ineffable]
ineffable Offline

Registered: 02/07/08
Posts: 1371
Loc: state of holeecrapdood
I was so starved for attention, acceptance & approval as a kid I literally would scour where we lived from top to bottom
& move all the furniture around (it's in the genes)
Then when my parents came home I made dang sure that they noticed EVERY SINGLE THING I HAD DONE
That shows up here when I ask my bros "did you see my response to... what did you think of my..."
I used to hate the part of myself
Now I recognize him as who he is
We all want/need attention, acceptance & approval
To get it from some we would & have done anything/everything
I am at peace with this now however it appears in myself
When it appears in others wanting/needing it from me I still struggle

I don't minimize the importance, reality of or depth of intimacy in connections I've felt to those I have come to love here
I think the internet is amazing
But I think we do get caught up in the need fer speed of it & we are affected by needing instant gratification
We used to correspond by letters for years with it taking sometimes weeks for a reply
But I feel the depths can be the same as long as we are honest
& use the correct spellings of there their they're etc
(yeah I'm a word whore... deal or fuck off)

I am still bargaining as Brian so aptly pointed out to me earlier today
That smarted a bit but I didn't blast him & I sure as shit have more respect for him telling me so
Superficialty is still something I am uncomfortable with
But it is where most communication starts & for that reason I have isolated myself much in the past
At the same time, my mother would tell ANYONE all the intimate creepy details of her life
Boundaries... eeesh
Yours, mine & ours

I am trying not to insist you meet me where I am comfortable all the time
Whether I succeed or not... you tell me

I have compassion for phone surveyors & porch to porch Evangelists
This post was just interrupted by two freshly scrubbed complete with name tags
Church of Latter Day Saints Go Marching up to my door steppers
I told them both I liked their ties, that I was a buddhist christian scientist mysticist & wished them a good night

There will be more


:: "Anyone who can handle a needle convincingly can make us see a thread which is not there" ::

#225496 - 05/21/08 07:14 AM Re: ulp [Re: ineffable]
frost Offline

Registered: 03/15/07
Posts: 1377
Loc: Eh?
and now for bumblebeeism from the frozen one.

i vote this becomes your new theme song Craig:

Lyrics, for your convenience:
I get deep, I get deep, I get deep, I get deeper
into this thing
the deeper I go
the more knowledge I know
what to sing
what to bring

I get deep, I get deep, I get deep, I get deeper, deeper, deeper
into the rhyme
wha? why?
Chillin' in the corner at the shelter all by myself
checkin it out im not dancin' no more but
why? why? why? wha?

How on earth are you supposed to vibe around the fake ones
the one, the ones that say
they know what is what but they don't know what is what
they just strut
what the fuck?

I get deep, I get deep, I get deep, I get deep, I get deeper
into this thing
and I pretend that they're not there
I just stare
up in the booth at the dread man spinnin the song
spinnin it strong
playing things like
we cannot house we can
thats my shit

I get deep, I get deep, I get deeper, I get deeper
when people start to disappear
and it's about six o'clock
whoo I'm feelin' hot
take off my sweater and my pants
and I start to dance
and all the sweat just goes down my face
and I pretend that there's nobody there but me in this place
I get deep, oh i get deep, what?

I get deep, I get deep, I get deep, I get deep
he takes all the bass out of the song
and all you hear is highs and it's like
oh, shit!
I get deeper

I get deep, I get deep, I get deep, I get deep
and the rythym flows through my blood like alcohol
and I get drunk and I oh all over the place
And I catch myself
right on time
right on line
with the beat
and its so sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet

I get deeper
I get deeper
I get deeper

Wha? the house music was ale
and Doctor love would be my song
And I would only take deep breaths
and fill my lungs with the rythym or the bass
I get deeper
heh, ha

Now it's about three and I see people goin'
spinnin' jumpin' and grindin'
as if they had wings on their feet
raising both hands in the air as if Jesus was the DJ himself
spinnin those funky funky funky house beats

And in this temple we all pray in unity for the same thing
with matic pause without cause
bass from those high definition speakers
sitting in the corner on each side of the room
givin' us the boom boom boom
to our zoom zoom zoom
the smell of a L lit while walking by
but the music gets me high
saint defy like and old lady in church
we get happy
we stomp our feet
we clap our hands
we shout
we cry
we dance
and we say
sweet lord, speak to me
speak to me, speak to me, speak to me
because we love house music
and on this planet it brings us together
like a family reunion every week
we eat
we drink
we laugh
we play
and we skate
so for all you hip hoppers
you do woppers
name droppers
you bill boppers
come into our house
to get deep
check it

These guys just keep it rollin'
You gotta just keep it rollin'

Sunday, Monday morning (its backwards)

Out under the big bright yellow sun (x40)

your friend,


#225580 - 05/21/08 07:42 PM Re: ulp [Re: frost]
Freedom49 Offline

Registered: 12/31/07
Posts: 2724
Loc: Washington State
Holy Crap Craig. Your opening up like a sardine can. That is so.... uncraig-like and wonderful. The more I see the more warm fuzzy love ball I sense. Thanks for all of this. I hope it is as healing for you and it is revealing for us. Welcome brother.

Edited by Freedom49 (05/21/08 07:42 PM)

#225860 - 05/22/08 11:15 PM Re: ulp [Re: ineffable]
arronb Offline

Registered: 02/02/08
Posts: 1005
Loc: Perth
Hello Craig …

Yes I missed out control LOL

So I take it from what ya say about control that you are getting a little edgy about ULPing ???

I sorta sense a bit of pulling back going on in the last post ... do you feel that by revealing yourself that you are losing too much control ?

That’s perfectly ok … this is your journey and all, but in the spirit of Brians challenge and your desire to go 3D you are gonna have to loosen ya grip on control no ?

I think this ties in to the way you word your posts … I have noticed that in your posts that
you lay down ‘ground rules’ as to what you will accept as a reply … do you do this consciously ?

to be honest I feel that to get the understanding that you want from others
that you have to allow people to question you outside of your guidelines ...
but I think you’re posts convey you wanting people to understand you before you’ll let them question you at all
It makes answering your posts a little difficult don't ya think ?

Keep Smilin'

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