Newest Members
LaneFiasco95, Kristabar, tom93, ninjei, JollyRoger
13512 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
almostdonew/life (42), barelysurviving (48), bigbob20 (72), billyp (68), Larry Mullen (70), Shawv (73), TheTwoOfUs (46)
Who's Online
1 registered (CelloL), 53 Guests and 3 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
13,512 Registered Members
75 Forums
70,187 Topics
490,053 Posts

Most users ever online: 418 @ 07/02/12 11:29 AM
Page 2 of 3 < 1 2 3 >
Topic Options
#224532 - 05/16/08 12:29 PM Re: is therapy working for anyone out there [Re: WalkingSouth]
Marissa Offline

Registered: 05/06/08
Posts: 69
Mara -

Your H's behavior in T - ie "giving them the impresion he i a rtock" may very well be a coping mechanism. If he said what was really on his mind, he would then be accountable for doing something about it, so to speak, and that can be really scary.

I know I hear from my dh - "I don't think I can handle it" quite a bit. There seems to be this lack of confidence in him that he has the inner strength to feel the pain and fear and still survive it. I think that is the mark of someone who has *never* allowed themselves to feel any deep pain or fear - as those of us that *have* KNOW that we can and will survive even if it is uncomfortable for awhile.

I know your frustration, Mara. I imagine all of the significant others do. All we can do is offer each other empathy and support and hope for the best.


Edited by Marissa (05/16/08 12:33 PM)

#224557 - 05/16/08 02:57 PM Re: is therapy working for anyone out there [Re: mara]
chrty Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/13/08
Posts: 27
Loc: new york
I wanted to comment to what Mara said. My husband is very bright he fooled me for along time. But, going back to therapy for the five years. Alot of people should have caught on. I started to tell the truth in the 3rd yr because I wanted help for my family.
After awhile we found a female t something happened right away. He refused to talk to me and stated it was none of my business. Ok that went on for 6mths. I called the T to say he was alienating me and that if I knew there was a an end. wether later than sooner than ,ok . She was some how putting a larger rift between us and something else. My gut told me there was something else playing here. He stopped seeing her. I felt better.
The last one was also a female. She let us know immediatedly she knew three other people that my husband knew from work were also seeing her. Guess what? I am fair I wouldn't have gone back either.
MY husband can manipulate many people. Though he is a victim he has manged to size up people quickly. Something he does much better than most people. I beleve its from the rape.
My dilema is this . He is going to try to fool his next t(if there is a next T). How do I get a good t that REALLY knows a rape victim and is the problems that TRULY comes with them. Well I can't do anything about him being honest.
My husband will GET OVER if he can. That might in his mind be considered CONTROL.

if i had to do it all again i wouldn't

#224558 - 05/16/08 03:08 PM Re: is therapy working for anyone out there [Re: chrty]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
You could find the greatest T in the world, but if your husband won't be straight with him/her, it won't do him or you any good. It's frustrating, I know. You think that because you get your husband in the door, all will be well. I think many of us have found out the hard way that it simply isn't true.

I do believe therapy is necessary; I do believe that anything taken away from it can be helpful. However, the old saying - you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink is dead on point here. If the person in therapy doesn't want to or can't open up and expose himself to the harships in order to do the work, then therapy will fall flat. By the same token, even if he spills his guts at every session, like my b/f does, but still can't seem to get it through his thick skull that his way of thinking about himself is skewed and needs to change, well, then that's a pile of crap too.

*sigh* I don't know where I am today.

ROCK ON........Trish

If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

#224564 - 05/16/08 03:37 PM Re: is therapy working for anyone out there [Re: chrty]
LandOfShadow Offline

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Unfortunately, he and his now ex-wife as well as the T and her husband became social friends. He learned alot about her life, which broke down the necessary distance there should be between a T and a patient.

Wow. I've never heard such an unethical situation before. I don't believe therapy can work or be safe in this situation and I'd certainly look into it.

I'd like to comment about the "just be honest and it works" theme. While this is true, I have lots of defenses against it. Powerful-as-a-freight-train defenses that saved my life I suppose as a child. I -- no one-- can just turn them off each session. They long ago became transparent and automatic to me. But in two years I've made a lot of progress breaking them down and my therapist is able to help some with that but I think it's a rare talent that can see through well honed defenses at all quickly.

Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you

Paul Eluard

#224579 - 05/16/08 05:21 PM Re: is therapy working for anyone out there [Re: LandOfShadow]
WalkingSouth Offline

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16270
Loc: Waldport, Oregon
Originally Posted By: LandOfShadow
I have lots of defenses against it. Powerful-as-a-freight-train defenses that saved my life I suppose as a child. I -- no one-- can just turn them off each session. They long ago became transparent and automatic to me.

Excellent point.

It certainly doesn't happen for many of us all at once. It's a job of working on trust, faith, confidence, self worth, and so many other things, and as that work progresses we are able or should be able to give up those things we've been hanging onto in self defense, tell the T about them so that he/she can guide us through the pitfalls we've been stumbling into for so many years.

"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting 'Holy Shit! What a ride!'" ~Hunter S. Thompson

#225110 - 05/19/08 07:20 PM Re: is therapy working for anyone out there [Re: mara]
Liv2124 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/06
Posts: 159
Loc: New Jersey
I agree it's difficult when the man you're with is a different person to everyone else. For years I've watched this happen and wondered if he ever got exhausted keeping it up. I never let on to anyone, after all, I love the man, not his charade. But we have alot of mutual friends.
I believe in therapy, I think it's really his only way out of this, his only way of getting to where he can fully understand this dynamic he's caught up in. Currently, he's against it, but I haven't given up hope.
I think it's pretty normal to believe that someone else will never be able to see through us, to see what we're hiding, unless we let them. Even when I started with my T years ago, I didn't spew my entire life story first visit. I was depressed, but I didn't mention it. (Although, Joe Public could've diagnosed the depression then, I was like every depression commercial you've ever seen!) I think it's a control thing, and we've all been guilty of it at one time or another.
The difference is the trust issue. And going in, this is a stranger. It took him YEARS to tell me, I would've been surprised if he dumped it out in front of a stranger. He's not wired that way. I had to psyche him up and convince him for hours that there was no way the guy would tell him it was his fault because it wasn't.
I used to wonder why he couldn't just "say" how he was feeling until we had a discussion once and he admitted that alot of the time he's not sure what he's feeling or that he's sure he feels nothing. He also assumes he knows what others are thinking/feeling, including me. This is always "fun". I told him he should give up the exercise entirely. Besides, believe it or not,(hehehe) I'm pretty good at putting out there EXACTLY what I'm thinking and feeling at any given moment. When it comes to me, he can give his imagination a rest.
I think therapy is well worth the investment and sticking it out may lead to actual discovery. There are points in any of our lives where we "go through the motions" but it can lead to something better eventually.

#225143 - 05/19/08 09:15 PM Re: is therapy working for anyone out there [Re: Liv2124]
TimeToLive Offline

Registered: 05/19/08
Posts: 4
Therapy works well for me, but, I've found that I can't stay in therapy for extended periods of time and have it continue to be useful. I need to take nice long breaks(sometimes multiple years) and I also find it helpful to seek out therapists from different schools of thought in order to gain different insights.

For example, my first therapist used rapid eye movement therapy and traditional cognitive therapy. My second was a pastoral counselor with a good track record of helping abuse survivors with guided prayer and>
"I can't sleep and I can't think, life has poured me a glass that I can't drink. The rim is jagged like a razor's blade and has left a scar that will never fade." - Bride 'Time'

"Surviving is not enough and yet, for now, it must be."

#225145 - 05/19/08 09:34 PM Re: is therapy working for anyone out there [Re: mara]
GateKPR4 Offline

Registered: 10/29/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
when I was a teen and in my early 20's I looked down on the therapists and psychiatrists because they were so easy to fool.

Now I am 44 and have been in therapy for 3 years and it has done wonders for my life quality.

Its easy to not tell the therapist anything but in return they can't help with what they don't know or help someone who is not being honest.
I had to be honest with myself first and accept that what happened did happen and affected my life on all levels.
Then I had to tell my T what was really going on in my head. It was scary to go against what my mind told me not to do but I did and it was the best thing that ever happened.

I still go every 2 weeks and it does help, but I have to be honest for this to work I have to let them know what is going on with me.

The T's and Psychiatrists are not mind readers and can be fooled just like anyone else. It's my choice weather I want to do something about my pain or not.
For years I had no choice or at least believed I did not, now I know the truth and it is that I do have a choice and I can take control of my life and my pain and how much it controls me.

I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
|| || || || || || |

#225541 - 05/21/08 01:54 PM Re: is therapy working for anyone out there [Re: WalkingSouth]
mara Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/01/08
Posts: 18
Thanks to all for giving me different perspectives on this one. The problem I still have though, is not understanding WHY he withholds info and hides the truth from his therapist, I totally get the connection to the abuse. That's why I want to know whether it ever works, does this profound resistance ever get overcome? Some of you have said yes and that is encouraging. I get that the defenses were formed long ago and LandofShadow says they became 'transparent and automatic' for him. I think this is a great de>

#225543 - 05/21/08 02:00 PM Re: is therapy working for anyone out there [Re: mara]
Marissa Offline

Registered: 05/06/08
Posts: 69
Mara -

Are you looking for actual statistics? Have you tried searching the internet?

You seem to be really grasping - in need of some hope that things will work out in the end.

DO you have things in your life that bring you joy and fulfillment outside your marriage?

take care of you, mara.


Page 2 of 3 < 1 2 3 >

Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.