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#223413 - 05/09/08 11:07 AM I'm dreaming......
Marissa Offline

Registered: 05/06/08
Posts: 69
....of a day when all of this is behind us.

When there's no anxiety.

When our lives feel settled.

When we can just BE and enjoy each other's company without all the other bullshit.

When I actally have a partner - someone to walk beside me in life that doesn't need me to drag him along with me and coddle him and constantly reassure him, but that can walk on his own......

I can't do it anymore - drag him along, that is...I can't keep sacrificing what I need so that I can placate his anxieties and fears...I can't allow him to use my body to feed his own sense of self while at the same time draining mine....

I just can't.

#223417 - 05/09/08 11:12 AM Re: I'm dreaming...... [Re: Marissa]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2614
Loc: Central PA
You sure you're not my wife? I think she's said almost those exact words! Wish she was hear posting, you two would have a lot in common to talk about.

#223418 - 05/09/08 11:16 AM Re: I'm dreaming...... [Re: JustScott]
Freedom49 Offline

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2724
Loc: Washington State
Take care of you Marissa. You can't save a drowning man till your in the boat yourself. Care for yourself, Be strong and do what you need to do for yourself. Perhaps the fear of being left behind will be the motivation he needs to save himself.

#223555 - 05/10/08 12:18 PM Re: I'm dreaming...... [Re: Freedom49]
Marissa Offline

Registered: 05/06/08
Posts: 69
Thanks for the support guys.

I'm trying to take care of myself - it's not something co-dependents come by naturally. :O)

I think my fears and frustrations are two-fold:

1. I don' t know how to take care of myself by creating the distance I need yet support him ...him seems to feel abandoned any time I try to do this or gets angry and impulsive...

2. I fear that without my pushing him he won't do anything...

#223590 - 05/10/08 07:22 PM Re: I'm dreaming...... [Re: Marissa]
rchsweetie Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/06/08
Posts: 23
Originally Posted By: Marissa

2. I fear that without my pushing him he won't do anything...

I felt the same way - and spent the better part of the past year pushing. I was incredibly surprised and overjoyed (if one can feel that way, when they hear of someone having a tough time) when, a few weeks after we broke up (his initiation) and thus I stopped pushing ,that my guy told me by email that he knew he had to see a psychologist and even had gotten some phone numbers. He hasn't been sleeping, he doesn't know why he feels the way he does, he knows how much he hurt me, etc. I don't know if he has gone yet (to therapy) but I thought it was a huge step for him, to admit that he needs therapy and needs it now - and then to get the phone numbers.

Although obviously I don't want him to need to be dealing with all this, I was sort of relieved to hear that the abuse and all its effects came crashing down on him. Because i think in this case it needed to get worse before it could get better.

(just for clarification, don't take this to mean that I am happy he is suffering - because I am so not - but especially after reading so many of the stories on this site, I am hoping that this is as close to "rock bottom" that he needs to hit, before he can get himself the help he needs)

and so...melissa... i don't want to advocate that you stop pushing, but I just want to say that he will come to it on his own when he is ready. And if you need some distance, you can take it for yourself - and perhaps as a bonus, it will kick-start something that will make him realize he needs to go to therapy.

#223851 - 05/12/08 10:06 AM Re: I'm dreaming...... [Re: rchsweetie]
Marissa Offline

Registered: 05/06/08
Posts: 69
rchsweetie -

thanks for the advice. I am *really* going to try and let him deal with this at his own pace - whatever that may be. I figure I can provide him with info (like this site, articles, etc) - but what he chooses to do with the info is out of my control.

I also need to limit the amount of time I am going to invest in searching out things for him.

Like someone else told me - I can't save a drowning man if I'm not in the boat first.

I'm going to make taking care of myself more of a priority instead of always worrying about making his life easier.

Thanks again.



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