Often there are inexpressible painful memories about my gang-rape at gunpoint that leave me poignantly empty and broken in the heart. I do my damnedest trying to dissociate and separate my emotions with umpteen ritualistic distractions. Try as I may with the greatest of efforts. My haunting past always finds a way of chipping away at the weakest cracks in my personal resilient walls of defence I labor so arduously trying to build.
At times these great efforts can seem so futile to a point of giving it all up.
I remember in exacting painful detail every moment of my rape experience that leaves my heart unspeakably shattered. I remember being forced to remove every stitch of my clothing and forced on all fours having the barrel of a handgun placed in my mouth by the female assailant who took turns doing the same to the other two male victims who were beside me. Meanwhile; two male assailants with loaded sawed-off rifles at their sides, knelt behind all of us victims taking turns sodomizing all us over and over and over again for the next five humiliating and demoralizing hours.
I do not have the power or strength to articulate this profound and extremely painful and horrid experience. I want to vomit my guts out thinking about it. Every part of my identity was forever lost. They stole my soul. Everything that was valued or sacred was erased. I had been swallowed into the neither world at the very gates of eternal hell. These mother-fucking bastards even tried to force me to perform oral sex. They knew I wanted them to kill me. Even after enduring five unrelenting hours of being sodomized, ridiculed, tortured, beaten and taunted by death threats it still wasn't over.
Because I would not submit to their having me perform oral sex on them I was tortured by being whipped by an electrical cord and later the female assailant would sodomize me with a hot curling iron. I wish they would had killed me in the end. Twenty-nine years later today I am still trying to find my soul.
There are other embarrassing things that happened to me that bring questions of heterosexual masculinity into uncharted clarity. Like the female bitch who fondled my genitals while I was being sodomized by these fucking animals who called themselves human. She masturbated me and forced me to ejaculate.
Shame and Guilt doesn't even begin to describe what feelings I struggle with.
Due to numerous physical health related problems...cardiac, diabetes, thyroid, and respiratory problems coupled with that fact of struggling with Post Traumatic stress Disorder. Today I am also suffer with E.D. ("Erectile Dysfunction"). I also have strong fear of invasive medical procedures and will not permit any male doctor to exam me. Is this because of my rapes past ?
Much of it is I think. Anyways; the cold reality societal indifference goes on.
No affliction nor temptation, no guilt nor power of sin, no wounded spirit nor terrified conscious should induce us to despair comfort from God.
Today well lived...makes every tomorrow a vision of Hope.