Okay, I know I've given everyone here pages and pages of random wranting rubbish reguarding recent worrying realizations, ---- alright, I'll stop that now.
anyway, the point is this morning (as I said in poem 13), I found an answer. I'm not sure if it's a good one, but it's mine anyway. It's primarily a synaesthesic one, ---- but I'll try and articulate it properly sinse everyone has been really kind and understanding and it seems only fair to tell people how things work out.
Okay, the problem was that I felt frightened by the realization that some of the girls involved in my abuse probably had some kind of feelings for me.
well so what!
It takes ttwo to tango, and practically raping someone isn't a good tango invitation. Their feelings did, and stil do, nothing to me, and sinse I most absolutely, deffinately and positively couldn't recipricate in any way, ---- they made it impossible, their feelings need not involve me.
At the point i was being abused, it was dam clear what they were feeling towards me, their actions made that clear!
they fully well knew I was being hurt and just carried on. So, for that time I nwas being hated, despised. It wasn't as if any of them actually tried to become friends with hme, have a reasonable conversation, get to know me in any way.
Aggressively showing physical interest to someone is not the same as falling for them.
and anyway, that was then, this is now! Any friend who shows interest is just that, a friend! I should be able to see that any feelings they may express for me aren't like those back then, and associating the two is stupid!
So, let what comes come, i'm moving onwards, and I refuse to stop!