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#222350 - 05/04/08 01:20 AM i can't find the right picture
MarkK Offline

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2652
Loc: Denver, CO
i think i've torn apart every photo album i have of when i was growing up. i'm looking for a picture. one picture. ANY one picture that shows me anything but happy.

know what? doesn't exist. every photo i can find shows this happy little kid having a good time. there is no indication of my sister's cruelty - my brother's meannesss - or my parent's total oblivion to everything.

one big happy family.

maybe it only exists in my head. maybe i'm so totally crazed, insane, stupid, inept, whatEVER that it's all in my head and nothing ever happened. all the pain. all the torture. all the fear. all made up.

my body SCREAMS "no" - it happened. all of it. and more.

and now? now i am a fine, strong, upstanding successful businessman who takes care of his family, provides financial security. loved and respected in his church.

and no one even knows me.

my life is just as phony as those pictures.

#222353 - 05/04/08 01:24 AM Re: i can't find the right picture [Re: MarkK]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Mark, I think it's amazing at times looking at family pictures where so much of what we see is a facade, hiding what's really just underneath. Plastic smiles, forced happiness, etc. I have a lot of pictures like that as well, but looking at them I really do KNOW what was lurking just underneath the surface.


#222357 - 05/04/08 01:31 AM Re: i can't find the right picture [Re: EGL]
MarkK Offline

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2652
Loc: Denver, CO
and now? the facade hasn't changed. except it's not my parents using it - or my brother or sister. it's me. i'm the one trapped behind the fake front. captive in the phoniness. lost in the delusion of a real existence.

there is no joy in mudville. mighty casey has struck out.


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