Newest Members
Kristabar, tom93, ninjei, JollyRoger, AnonymousJerry
13511 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
camdon (33), camdon greenwood (33), Denise (75), getteddie (69), morgoth (27), Ric (69)
Who's Online
3 registered (Max1969, Sacred_Sage, Golden_Phoenix), 49 Guests and 3 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
13,511 Registered Members
75 Forums
70,179 Topics
490,017 Posts

Most users ever online: 418 @ 07/02/12 11:29 AM
Topic Options
#222111 - 05/02/08 02:10 PM The Journey Begins
tazrad Offline

Registered: 04/22/08
Posts: 88
Well, I have started my journey to somewhere. Monday, I thought it would be easy. It would be a nice little stroll down Memory Lane with birds chirping, sun shinning and a light breeze. It will be basically an easy trip.

Well, Tuesday came I realized that my CSA might have affected more of my life that is thought on Monday. OH MAY. What have I done? Why have I done it? How can I undo it? The stress meter in my chest was pounding. At that point, I could have put the dust back on the CSA box and put back in the basement. I am at point in my life that I am tired of hiding. Tired of blaming. Tired of not connecting. Tired of not communicating. Tired of it all. Putting it away now is not an option.

So on Wednesday, I continued to try to understand how much of an issue I have. The stress meter is still pounding. I never really found the answers.

Still, not accepting that I did not understand my issues, on Thursday, I set out looking to try to figure it ALL out. Begin to give up by Thursday night, I initiated a conversion with my wife about my feeling, which if you have lived in my shoes is a first. We talked and I come to this profound realization, “That is what you are doing, Dummy, this will not be discover in a week, month, or year. It will be a lifelong journey”.

On Friday, I figure that I needed a long term goal. So, being a deadline guy, I placed a deadline on figuring out how much the CSA has affected me. April 22, 2032. I arrived at this date by adding the years it took to seek help to April 22, 2008, the day I sign up for Male Survivor.

I, now realized, that I will need to take it slow and steady. My issues are cast in harden steel. I will not be easy to melt the steel away but it will be worth it. The keys are honesty and communication. Honesty with me, my wife, my therapist, and all my loved ones. Communication is the driver that will take the honesty to the destination. My destination is happiness with myself. If I hold these keys in my hands, I will make it through to happiness with myself.

The stress meter in my chest is still pounding but I believe it is fear and excitement as I entering this new beginning. I am sure it will stop hurting for awhile. As I progress, it will start hurting again. I is a good thing.

Thank you all so much

May 15 is just up the hill.

#222114 - 05/02/08 02:36 PM Re: The Journey Begins [Re: tazrad]
NWcats Offline

Registered: 12/19/06
Posts: 70
Loc: Pacific Northwest
I'm a deadline guy too and I wanted to just fix myself and get on with living. If only.
I've come to learn that the healing process is a process with its own timetable.
Emotions - good and bad - come as they will for me. There are ways to "grease" the healing I've found. One way is to reach out to other male survivors and open my heart to them. through that action, I've been able to open up a bit more to myself.
Good for you for taking it slow and steady. Let the stress meter be your guide.
Breathe and remember that you matter.

*** WOR Alumni Sequoia March 2008 ***
*** Alta Advanced Weekend September 2008 ***
Ask me about both!

#222116 - 05/02/08 02:48 PM Re: The Journey Begins [Re: tazrad]
KENKEN Offline

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762

I am so proud of you for taking that FIRST BIG STEP. A nice little stroll down memory lane, it will not be. The trip will not be easy, but it will be well worth the journey for you and your wife/family/friends. Yes, it will be a lifelong journey, but again the secret is now out and I know it will be a good thing for you to disclose.

Your post has definitely brought back memories for me. I disclosed in Sept, 07 after 41 years of keeping this secret to myself. No one was ever going to know about my CSA. It has been a very hard 8 months, but I have grown so much, I have worked very hard and I can also see the benefits of my hard work. And you will also.

With proper help from professional therapists, your family, lots of book reading and journaling, you to will be a survivor and no longer a victim.

You have found a wonderful group of survivors at MS> We are all here for you in the good times and bad.

Your journey is just beginning. I always thought along the way for me that things couldn't get any worse. Well, they did, but I know I am so glad I am on the journey. Best advise I can offer is to take it slow and easy. You will have bad days and good days. Stay strong and determined. You are in charge of your journey, listen to your heart and feelings and talk, talk and talk some more.



From the Movie: Antwone Fisher


#222134 - 05/02/08 04:30 PM Re: The Journey Begins [Re: tazrad]
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills

When I first started dealing with this 'stuff' I thought it was just an insignificant tiny part of my life; one or two visits to a therapist and, presto-chango, I'd go on with my life. Well, it wasn't quite like that, was it. When I was finally ready to open up that box I discovered that a lot of things in my personality, in my psyche were very much interwoven with the abuse. I thought 'well, that's just the way I am' when, in fact, that's just the way I'd become.

It's been over ten years now. I've been through an awful lot of traumatic events; health issues, deaths of my father and my wife, job loss, all sorts of very stressful things. But I made it through all of that because I started dealing with some underlying issues that enabled me to handle stressful situations without reverting back to the old ineffective coping mechanisms that I had developed as a kid. I know now that it will be with me for the rest of my life but it will not be ruling my life.

Take good care of yourself,


I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

#222135 - 05/02/08 04:31 PM Re: The Journey Begins [Re: KENKEN]
Denniss Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/17/08
Posts: 25
Loc: California

Congratulations on the breakthrough and creating a safe place for yourself to grow out of. It was pleasant speaking to you in the chat room and my sense was that you were preparing yourself for such a breakthrough.

The stress meter pounding is a normal feeling and it gets easier. The good news is that you are aware of it and as the other WoR friends have mentioned.... breathing helps a lot. The fact that you are here and part of a group of folks just like you is also helpful.

It's sweet revenge to get our inner child back and to laugh, scream, feel, and play again! Whew, it has NOT been the case for too long. I've spoken a few times about flying a kite and I see your starting to lift. Know that you are not alone.

It does get easier Tazrad... and your honesty will enable many things for you, your family, your friends, and most of all the child inside of you.

No more secrets and nothing to hide.....




Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.