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#221641 - 04/30/08 12:02 PM what the hell happened
stefalc1 Offline

Registered: 04/30/08
Posts: 41
Loc: london, uk
i have never posted . so here goes .i tried facing what has happened a long time ago , i started by dropping hints to gf`s at the time about 15 yrs ago about worries that i might be gay .
i said this because of what happened and that i didn`t know how to talk about it if i let someone do that to me i must be , i got aroused when they did it so i must be.
i`ll try in brief to summarise what happened .
my parents were always at each others throats and were always short of money , they took in a lodger who was my dads friend and he stayed in mine and my brothers bedroom . i was somewhere around ten or nine , (that part is a blank really) i`m always being told off by my gf that everything goes back to then . heres how it happened . he offered to take me to watch football , i wasnt really interested in it but it was a treat and something i never would have got from my parents. so i went , as far as i can remember the first time was ok nothing happened , then it all changed . he was a taxi driver and it was quite a novelty to go out in his taxi and he would give me money to buy things that my parents could not .
the first time anything happened was strange , he was lodging at my parents yet he still had his own bedsit. we went to football one day and on the way back he said he had to pick something up , we stopped t his bedsit and he said come in , i did , we went in and he said he had to get changed so i waited in the same room for him to get changed , but he didn`t he laid on the bed and started masturbating , the smell was weird his aftershave and the smell of his penis , he talked me into touching it and then he came over himself laying down. he then cleaned himself up , got dressed and we went to my home , i didn`t know what was going on. he then gave me money to keep quiet and i did .
this to cut short escalated to home and the bedroom while my brother slept , the same pattern and money and more advanced sexual activity .
i didn`t really think or know what to say or what was wrong or right , i even got curious with friends thinking this was normal like comparing penis size and stuff .
this went on for a while he then moved out and married a women but surprisingly not someone you would imagine to be a suiter but she had boys of various ages , all of a sudden the marriage was over and he had been kicked out , i can only assume why . he then appeared again at my home some years later , i walked in and my mum was stood there with him in the hall , i remember her saying look who it is , i just looked at them both and walked away upstairs , he never came back and my patrents never sussed , i left it that way and what i can remember is a very short time after everything hit the fan , he was a taxi driver for the handicap children at our school , apparantly he was doing things to the children in his trust and one reported it , he was taken to court and i think put away , i kinda kept away from the whole thing . it was ahuge relief that i wasn`t discovered in all this and i could put it behind me or so i thought .
during my school i was bullied and told i was gay , this is without them knowing all about this , it was nothing for me to see a naked man or compare myself to others , this was normal , or so i thought ,so , i was always questioning my sexuality , all through my adult life this has continued and everytime i get down fall out with people drink too much and get depressed it somehow connects me with this , i`ve tried many ways to deal with it including meeting up with a gay guy to see if i was , and sadly it was a at one point a turn on .i think this is either connected or out of it i have some sort of bi-sexuality
i know i love women but relationships are very hard and i tend to have close when it suits and push away when i have bad thoughts , i get anxious a lot and things trigger my thought , mainly because i question my sexuality every day , is this because it was my first sexual experince , is it because i could`nt communicate with my parents , they still don`t know .
i recently have ben getting sore at my gf , getting drunk every day and resenting her , it started two years ago , she was so special and i was sitting about thinking that she is special and she doesnt deserve this hassle , i`m not good enough , what triggered it is someone moved in the area from my child hood of that era , he has issues with me from that time and has a habit of exaggerating ,he has told people that i tried it on with his brother , but he has never said it to me or confronted me , he walks past me one to one and sais nothing but rumours got back to me years ago , i don`t think anything happened as far as i`m aware as we all used to hang out together , but when we used to get in strife he would balme it on me or grass on me and did go through a phase of picking on him . i don`t feel i can confront him or feel i neeed to , but i don`t want that sort of thing coming out and damaging my perfect realtionship , so i hide , this is hard enough and i have gone into too much detail already , i know it is in the open now but my gf has had trust issues with me any way about things that happened before we got toghether , i just want a normal life with her and be able not feel anxious in certain areas like new people , like showing my emotions , i want to learn to open up and talk , how is this all connected to my adult life. i tried to talk to adult males about it but as soon as i start they cringe and actually say i don`t want to hear it . that was my attempt years ago and this is my attempt now .
sorry for going on to long and sounding confusing

#221644 - 04/30/08 12:16 PM Re: what the hell happened [Re: stefalc1]
silent_witness Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/19/08
Posts: 9
Loc: Wales - United Kingdom
Hi Stefalc1,

Welcome to MS and well done for being to write here,,, not the easiest of things to do, but compared with other things... well!!!

Although I am unble to offer you any 'good advise' I am sure that there will be plenty of people here who can offer you some sound advise...

All the best & sorry I'm not any help,

Silent Witness

#221702 - 04/30/08 04:39 PM Re: what the hell happened [Re: silent_witness]
Freedom49 Offline

Registered: 12/31/07
Posts: 2724
Loc: Washington State
HI guy, I am glad you found us and welcome. First let me say that I am really glad you were able to post all of that. I know that took some courage. The shame and guilt we all feel from having gone through that is tremendous.

As to what happened to you, we call that grooming. That is what the taxi pedo guy did to you. It was not your fault nor what happened after your fault. You were seduced and set up.

From what you say in your story I do not believe you are gay. You are having some confusion caused by the way you were seduced. This will fill you with a lot of shame and dirty feelings surrounding sex and relations with a girl or any kind of sexual activity actually.

This is all fixable. You just need to find a good therapist who specializes in child sexual abuse victims. They can show you how to reset your thinking and approach to sex so it is healthy again and you can have a good relationship with a woman and marry and have kids of your own.

You cannot do this alone however, you have many misconceptions surrounding sex and your own sexuality that need to be cleared up and you need an objective person to help you with that. This will not be easy and will take some time but you can do it.

Getting started is the hard part. You have taken a good step in coming here. Read, post your questions and chat with others who can help guide you though the process.

Welcome to male survivor. There is hope. You are not to blame. You are a good guy that a bad person did bad things to. There is no shame or guilt here. You may have experimented with others based on what you believed was normal. That too is not your fault. Welcome.

#221744 - 04/30/08 07:34 PM Re: what the hell happened [Re: Freedom49]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

Welcome to the site and I'm so glad you found us. You will find a lot of supportive and understanding guys here.

It;s great you were able to post your story already. There's a lot to be said about it, but for now let me just say, with Roger, that it's very common for survivors to feel confused about their sexual identity as they try to deal with their issues.

There are many reasons for that, but for the moment I'll just suggest that you not jump to the conclusion that you're gay. If you are that's okay, but as you work on things you will see that many of the reasons you think you might be gay don't mean that at all.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#221883 - 05/01/08 12:39 PM Re: what the hell happened [Re: roadrunner]
stefalc1 Offline

Registered: 04/30/08
Posts: 41
Loc: london, uk
thanks guys , i kinda know i`m not but i`m one of these people that tries to look at everything, my gf was trying to explain to me that sexuality is not the same as relationship , i kinda understood but at the same time didn`t , i know i am very aroused around women and like to explore my sexuality when comfortable but there are good days and bad days , where a normal guy can look at another think he is good looking and not worry about it , i worry , when all the lads are out in a bunch messing around cuddling , kissing each other on the cheak out of fun because they`re are drunk , i can`t , find it real hard to be close and open with guys and have that really close friendship that so many guys have . i tend to back off and keep all friends at arms length and only tell them what i want them top hear or believe .it`s like if i`m in control of the situation it is ok .if i`m drunk i don`t care . i made some stupid mistakes over the past years trying to understand so guess i`m here to get it right this time , it is great i can find somewhere i can ask questions and be all equal without the stigma . maybe i can learn the simple things like how to realise things aren`t all against me and i can look at things in a different view .
i actually find it hard to talk because half the time i don`t know why i`m down , i just ignore the gf as if to say what ever . and when i should be saying thankyou or be interested i`m not . really strange world to be living in,


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