It's been said everyone has their day and today i damn sure had mine and you know what it feels pretty friggin good.
For the last 15-20 years of knowing my loser of an uncle who verbally abused me for so long it's amazing i didn't off myself and this was while i was being sexually abused by my own mother since i was 9-17 years old so you can only imagine how broken and alone i felt.
About 4-5 days ago i wrote a 4 page letter to my (aunt) although it was about my so called uncle( her husband) and his treatment of me for so long i got tired of it,my aunt called me this morning and informed me she got my letter and was distraught about so many things and filled with fear( he treats her like a peice of shit all the time in my presence more often then i care to remember)he calls her a dumb drifty cunt and stupid bitch amongst many other mean and crass things that i'd rather forget all about.....etc etc etc.....
I felt so bad for her that i couldn't bring myself to unload on her as much as i wanted to and for reasons if i did would have been cruel and unfair because she's been like a mother to me and always treated me like her own even though i very easily could have let loose on her.
Anyway there is so much ground and details to cover that it really doesnt matter however i hung up with my aunt and called this uncle and told him what i have wanted to for so long,when he answered his cell phone i cut right to the chase..." hi dave are you busy anyway i want you to know how much of a peice of shit you are"....i am sick of how you treat me and others and you could care less who you hurt and i am fuckin fed up with your games and treatemnt of me"...not to mention he was floored and caught way off guard which is what i wanted to begin with and sure enough he was ......beautiful.what a feeling of payback is a motherfucker.
Needless to say we had words ...i hung up and of course he called me back...again we had words but he didn't have a chance to speak for himself because i let him have it with both barrels and i feel so free from it and i dont regret a single thing i said to him........"you think you're so smart you think you have everyone fooled " i said to him more then once...keep in mind he's a firefighter( 6 '3 250lbs) with all kinds of machisimo and testosterone and loaded with pride.....but a fuckin coward at best.
blah blah blah.....i am so proud of myself because for so many years he emotionally abused me and i allowed it and did nothing to stop it ...well i put a stop to it today and i am a better person for it and an ever better man.
I will not allow anyone to disrespect me or people i love in my life anymore....thats it, enough is enough, no more.
My aunt and i talked for about 15 minutes and i knew what i had to do and my mind was made up and i unloaded on him .....
I think i disacosiated becasue i dont remember calling him,or hanging up and when the phone rang i was a little foggy for about a second and came to on the phone remembering nothing about my conversation with my aunt yet i knew i went nuts on him because although i dont remember much of what was said i do however know when i finally got off the phone i was totaly "out there" and numb for the next 2-3 hours.
I'm wide awake right now and i am certain( although i hope i dont) i will emotionally crash and then it will hit me...then im afraid of what i will do to him or even to someone else.
I needed to get this off my chest but i will be honest i want to hurt him bad ....let him know how much pain he put me through for so many years and i did nothing about it as a result of being terrified of him and his abrasivness and hostile ways.
I know i am better off WITHOUT HIM IN MY LIFE i cannot have toxic people or shame based people in my life, i dont want or need his fuckin apporval anymore either it takes me down like a shark and i refuse to subject myself to further pain.
I can hold my head up tonight knowing i did the right thing for me and no one else.....and for that alone i can say that the little boy in me is no longer afraid of him ....as a matter of fact "little richard" is pretty excited and feels really safe now that i had the courage to stand up to him even though it took me 20 years it was well worth it and i'd do it again if i had to and if it could help me then so be it.
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "