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#221739 - 04/30/08 07:14 PM What I Have Gained From Healing From My Abuse
Calanthe Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/24/08
Posts: 109
Loc: California
This thread is obviously inspired by the “What Did The Abuse Cost You” thread.

Disclaimer: Before I go any further I must state for the recorded that I am not discounting anyone’s pain or struggle with the horrendous damage that was done to us. I am simply showing another side to the same coin, a side that I must focus on because if I only look at the extraordinary cost of my abuse I would not be able to function. I would never get out my bed in the morning and I will be dammed if I will allow anyone to damage my life further including my own despair. So as the say I focus on “the wisdom for the pain”.

I am not talking about silver lining bullshit or being grateful for your abuse if what I say conveys that then I simply lack the ability to articulate what I mean in the way I wish to convey it (for which I ask you understanding) or you may simply not be in the place to hear what I am trying to say and for you I offer a Trigger Warning please do not read any further. I offer this trigger warning with compassion and empathy. I have spent years being so angry with the concept that I may have gained something positive from the tragedies of my life that it would at the least send me into an unthinking rage (one my best blocks for not feeling) and at the worst send me into a cycle of self-destructive compulsive sexual behavior that would take me weeks to come down from so I do not approach this topic lightly. It is one of my own triggers.

Enough on that disclaimer let me see if I can try to say what I mean. I do not believe in grand plains, destiny, karmic debt or that I deserved or needed any of the shitty awful things that happened to me or you. What I believe is that Life happens and when life happens so does shit. It is up to me to determine how I will deal with the shit that happens in my life and no matter what the shit I can find a way to use it for my best or not… I believe we all do the best we can at any given time. I believe we all do what we do until we don’t do it any more (either because it stops working for us or we don’t want to do it). I believe that none of what happened to me as a child is my fault period end of debate and that the same goes for you.

I believe that every single one of us who has made it to this point and is still alive is a miracle. It takes enormous courage to stay alive after the tragedy of our abuse. We are some of the strongest people on the planet. I do not care how damaged you feel at this point the simple fact that you are still alive and willing to even look at this issue and the consequences in your life makes you all men of extreme integrity and courage. I am humbled to stand in your presence and be counted as a member. We are not just survivors we are heroes. No matter what you do or how far you go in your healing or what you had to do in your life to survive this long you/we deserve to give ourselves credit for staying alive long enough to face this issue because many of us do not choose to stay alive long enough to consider healing.

These are some of the things I have gained from healing of my abuse:

A brotherhood of men who understand me.

A gut belief in my own willingness to stay alive no matter what, that is called courage. I know I am courageous and ruthless in my willingness to protect myself. I will use whatever tool is at my hand to survive (drugs, sex, rage, insanity and finally recovery) with the hope that I will someday heal and learn better tools.

Because of this I know myself more clearly than many other people I know. Because when I had to walk out of despair I had to find the path in my own soul and no one can take that away from me again ever.

I have had to find hope when I saw none, when there was no reason to hope. I know that if I can do it once I can do it again.

I had to loose everything I ever valued or hoped to value, my family, my religion, my spiritual being, my God, my wife, my unborn children, my reputation, my health and I had to find out that when it was all gone, when there was nothing left there was still me and me was worth drawing the next breath and taking the next step.

As I have continued in recovery I have gotten to regain parts of myself I forgot I had. I was told early on not to kill myself in the first 5 years of recovery because I would be killing the wrong person and I got to find out they were right.

I have discovered the wonder of the unknown.

I learned of joy in the simple and mundane

I got to learn humility at the hands of those the world perceives as lost and of little or no value, the homeless, the insane, the drug addicts, the prostitutes. These are the ones who loved me without expectation or demand, that held my soul when I could not.

I got learn compassion for the follies of others and myself and to learn to embrace the imperfection of my own humanity.

These are some of the things I have gained from healing from my abuse.

I do not believe that I had to be abused to learn them nor am I grateful that I was abused.

I was abused and this is some of what I gained as I am healing from it and this is what I need to focuses to continue with the healing that is still in front me.

Good Luck to all of Us on this Journey,


You can't save your Ass and your Face at the same time. (Anonymous)

And given the choice I will save my ass first everytime(STC)

#221743 - 04/30/08 07:27 PM Re: What I Have Gained From Healing From My Abuse [Re: Calanthe]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

Thanks for your comments and a very positive attitudes towards abuse and recovery. I can relate. I'm not grateful for the abuse ... I mean, hello? But I was abused and I can't change that. That's the reality I have to begin with. I could rage and grieve about that for ten years, and at the end of that time I would be in exactly the same place.

I'd like to emphasize the element of choice in what you are saying. We can choose to hope when there seems to be no real reason to hope; we can take the risks even when they seem impossible dangerous; we can try to trust even when we know trust has led us to terrible harm in the past.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#221745 - 04/30/08 07:54 PM Re: What I Have Gained From Healing From My Abuse [Re: roadrunner]
Freedom49 Offline

Registered: 12/31/07
Posts: 2724
Loc: Washington State
Scott thank you so much for those words. I agree you are a corageous individual and you have come far and learned much. I sense you are still learning and growing and that it may be a long road ahead still.

I agree with you and with Larry I did not have to have this abuse happen for me to learn all this good stuff. It just happened and I am learning and I am bacoming a better man for it. Shit happens to everyone and I have always said it is not what you have dumped in your lap it is what you do with it that counts. It all boils down like you said to choice. Excellent words Scott. Thank you for that.

Edited by Freedom49 (04/30/08 07:55 PM)

#221975 - 05/01/08 07:54 PM Re: What I Have Gained From Healing From My Abuse [Re: Calanthe]
Calanthe Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/24/08
Posts: 109
Loc: California
Hi All,

Larry and Roger thanks for you kind words and feedback.

As I have read your responses and watched how others have responded to my post I do not think I accomplished all that I intended. My intention was to start a thread for other to talk about what they have gained from healing from their abuse not simply explain what I had gained. So let me rephrase this as a question.

What have you gained from healing from your abuse?

I hope this helps.

I am very interested in hearing about other peoples healing process.


You can't save your Ass and your Face at the same time. (Anonymous)

And given the choice I will save my ass first everytime(STC)

#222075 - 05/02/08 04:46 AM Re: What I Have Gained From Healing From My Abuse [Re: Calanthe]
ericc Offline

Registered: 01/05/08
Posts: 1986

I read this last night and had some thoughts in my head, but didn't post; and now I can't remember exactly what I was thinking. But I'll come up with what I am thinking now.

First off, I never needed this to happen. It has tore me apart to no end. But actually, there were other issues going on in my life before the abuse that were making things hard for me. I think I may have been able to get through that stuff without the damage I have otherwise experienced, but I can never know for sure exactly what the outcome may have been. What I think I have learned (sorry for the negative little rant here) is that we live in a society where we love to cut people down at the knees and make them feel like shit about themselves for no good reason. No wonder everything ends up being so damn dysfunctional and ridiculously such a joke. Okay, done with the rant; now something more positive.

That all said, and I can let this stuff eat me up on a bad day, on a good day I am starting to let go of the past. Circumstances have sent my head through the spin cycle so many times, that just the act of having to put the pieces back together as much as I have had to do so has taught me immeasurably about myself and also the nature of others as well. On a good day, I actually believe I will be able to lose the regrets and create some good stuff for the future. I know many options in life have past me by (and this is a source of hurt and pain, I can not lie), but I can see that there are always other choices and options I can work toward. On a bad day, I am trying my best to hang in there and not be destructive, but to do things for myself that are healthy and positive even if I can not see the purpose or have the self care to feel worthy of such things. So I try my best to hang in there without creating more problems so I can link together more good days. And hopefully the good days get more and more, and I start to see more and more positive things happen in my life that then lead to more optimism and more good days.

I ranted above about society and people. Yeah, there are ugly elements to both; but I can not let my self loath in these negative aspects of each. I need to align myself with what is good and positive, both in society and others. And I know this exists, because I certainly see it everyday; I just have to learn that I am worthy of that. I know I need to keep up the fight, and not fall for all the traps and hurts of others. There are no end of people that are willing to tear me down for there own needs; I know this because I have seen it most of my life. So I have learned I deserve better than this, and will keep trying in these regards.

So I am ranting a bit here, and it may not have really answered the original question. But to summarize, I have learned I deserve better than what I was sold, and to find such things I need to keep my head up and keep trying and learning and healing and growing and reaching out and (and this is a big one) be true to myself no matter how hard all the crud is working against that. I have learned I want more good days.


#222629 - 05/05/08 06:11 PM . [Re: ericc]
bardo213 Offline

Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 812

Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 08:34 PM)


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