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#221012 - 04/28/08 09:54 AM Afraid to jump
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2694
Loc: durham, north england
I'm really sorry for yet another topic, but this is just going on from the dark place thread.

Okay, I've found something really bad that needs dealing with, especially if I am to get around my self-isteme thing. On friday I resolved I'd fix it with my T this afternoon. I've had a great weakend, staying with my parents, going over to see my friends and play a very silly tabletop rp game, and watching obscene amounts of doctor who and torchwood.

But it's now Monday morning, I'm getting ready to take the train back up to durham and my flat, and see my T at, and I'm scared!

I know it has to be done, that's clear, but I really don't want to go near this thing, this set of feelings and perceptions sinse I know I'm going to flash back to how I felt at age 13, somewhere really dark, somewhere I tried not to be so much, even when it was happening.

I've developed the art of cut of shutting down, and cutting off to the point where it's a science. Once in A-level psychology we did the ice pain test, where you stick your hand into a buckit of ice and keep it there as long as you can. Everyone else (even the big brave lads who were really going for it to prove they were tough), could only manage about a minute at most.

I just completely zoned out, went elsewhere in my head and forgot the pain, and after two and a half minutes the teacher asked me to take my hand out before I hurt myself.

Oh hell, I'm really sorry if this sounds boastful, in fact I'm really sorry for yet another thread. I know this has to be done, I know I'll feel better when it is done, ---- heck, I might even come back here and be able to write about it, but i'm afraid, simply afraid.
I've tried music, lotr, all the usual distractions, but I keep coming back to this.

I know I don't have to do anything with my T I don't want to, but by the same tocan, perhaps I want to, to face this thing, get through it, accept it before it causes me more problems than it does right now.

I'm really sorry about this.

#221034 - 04/28/08 12:57 PM Re: Afraid to jump [Re: dark empathy]
hogan_dawg Offline

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
Yeah I think it's important that you carry through with your plans even if they're hard to execute. That said, if you're not ready to do it, inside your gut, just wait until you're feeling ok in the gut. The gut test is sometimes best when there's conflicting feelings and there's no shame in waiting.

Flashing back is maybe Nature's way of saying the issue is unresolved. But there's no need to be 'rushed' by it, even if you feel it.

Facing it is tough, getting to understand it is tough and (depending on what you mean by 'accept') accepting it is tough too. Personally I 'accept' my abuse happened to me (like, I acknowledge it did happen to me, without denial), but I don't 'accept' that I was harmed in this way at an emotional level (as such harm is unacceptable and it's koo koo to accept such harm).

Our anger is righteous.

Edited by hogan_dawg (04/28/08 01:10 PM)
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

#221048 - 04/28/08 02:23 PM Re: Afraid to jump [Re: hogan_dawg]
Freedom49 Offline

Registered: 12/31/07
Posts: 2724
Loc: Washington State
That was an old coping method you developed to survive when you were young and it worked well for you way back then. Now you are using it in the wrong places and it is not helping you anymore. Your T will help you find a way to cope in a healthy way. Juat as you would have kept your hand in the ice till you had frost bite and maybe lost a finger, you are losing yourself in fantasy when you need to remain in reality to function now. I know it is scary but hogan is correct. Flashbacks mean there are things that are unresolved and you can to this now safely with your adult mind and your therapist. Don't be afraid. You will make it your tougher than you think. Your heart says your still only 13 but your brain really is all grown up. Trust you adult to take care and protect little you from harm.

Trust the force Luke..... you will be ok.

#221063 - 04/28/08 03:06 PM Re: Afraid to jump [Re: Freedom49]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus

Registered: 01/28/08
Posts: 2615
Loc: Central PA
Sounds like you had a great weekend! I'd love to spend the weekend Playing RPG's and watching Dr. Who and Torchwood!

I know what you mean about need to talk and deal with big nasty issues. I was there and knew I had to talk to my T about it. Was hard for sure. I'll tell you though, the release you'll feel after it's out there, is worth pushing you're way through the fear. It was like a million pounds were pulled off my chest when it was all done. Opening up is hard, but very very worth it.

#221087 - 04/28/08 05:05 PM Re: Afraid to jump [Re: JustScott]
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2694
Loc: durham, north england
thanks so much guys, it's really great to know that you'll follow my assorted ramblings and are stil here. I'm now back from seeing my T. It wasn't nice at all, and there's more on the schedule for next week.

I'm really sorry I can't say more or acknolidge things better, ---- I'm incredibly tired now.

I'll certainly get back to people as soon as I can.

thanks again.


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