Newest Members
tom93, ninjei, JollyRoger, AnonymousJerry, Golden_Phoenix
13510 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
BigJo (73), MaxEnnis (2017), PS (42), Squirmish20 (37), Sulfuric Acid (32), Tucker (39)
Who's Online
5 registered (Donald177, Golden_Phoenix, lapchinj, MeditativeCycler, 1 invisible), 58 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
13,510 Registered Members
75 Forums
70,163 Topics
489,860 Posts

Most users ever online: 418 @ 07/02/12 11:29 AM
Page 1 of 4 1 2 3 4 >
Topic Options
#220745 - 04/26/08 10:52 PM My abuser is adopting - trigger potential
NWcats Offline

Registered: 12/19/06
Posts: 70
Loc: Pacific Northwest
My abuser, my brother, is adopting a little boy. I knew this was in the works, it's the reason I confronted him about the abuse but it still have me furious, scared and the little boy within me is screaming in agony.

Here's my quandary and I'm hoping for thoughts from all of you:
As a result of my confronting him, he underwent psychiatric testing to confirm that he was not at risk for reoffending. I know he did this and I got a letter from the doctor saying he's not at risk. What I don't know is if he told the state DSS about his past, the abuse or the testing he underwent.

There's a big part of me that feels my little boy, and the little boy who is being brought into my brother's life, would be safer if DSS knew.

Here's the other thought - I also know that realistically, the fear and anger and perhaps greater truth is my own re-traumatization. My reaching out to the state is just one more way for to look for reaffirmation of my hurt and abuse at the hands of this man.

I know through my work that it's easier to think about action - calling DSS - than it is to attend to my own pain and healing.

Wow. This is a lot.

At the Sequoia WOR I learned (thanks Andy) that we can stand up to our inner dragons, the dragons that try to hurt us and the dragons that adopt little boys for better or for worse. All I can say now is that those dragons are mighty, mighty scary.

Thanks all for your feedback and for listening.

*** WOR Alumni Sequoia March 2008 ***
*** Alta Advanced Weekend September 2008 ***
Ask me about both!

#220748 - 04/26/08 11:08 PM Re: My abuser is adopting - trigger potential [Re: NWcats]
Freedom49 Offline

Registered: 12/31/07
Posts: 2724
Loc: Washington State
Jackson you have my total support for what ever you believe you should do. I agree that a good manipulative perp can snow most professionals by telling them what they want to hear. It is not unusual for a perp to want a boy of his own that he can control behind closed doors. I feel for his kid as he will have no safe place at all if your brother is indeed snowing eveyone and just looking for a boy that he does not have to worry about going home and telling his parents.

This makes my insides cold as you and I know what that boy could end up going through for the rest of his life. If you cannot stop it and your brother has indeed not received any help for his abusive tendencies then this is indeed what I would term a rescue situation.

It will be terribly risky and painful for you to interfere here as you may not be believed again and you may take it as a personal rejection of your own abuse story.

Question: is this boy in real danger with your brother? That one may be hard to answer.

In any event I am here for you.

#220750 - 04/26/08 11:15 PM Re: My abuser is adopting - trigger potential [Re: Freedom49]
bec Offline

Registered: 10/03/02
Posts: 187
Loc: chicagoland area

i strongly recommend you gain a professional's advice about this matter before you take any action. this issue is highly emotionally charged for you and i fear that any hasty act on your part could turn into a mistake. i would certainly run this whole situation past my psychologist more than once if i was in your shoes.

i commend you for your concern about the boy to be adopted by your brother. good luck and God bless.


#220751 - 04/26/08 11:22 PM Re: My abuser is adopting - trigger potential [Re: bec]
JustJeff Offline

Registered: 03/19/08
Posts: 262
Wow, thats crazy excuse my language. i personally think that perhaps a lil talk, with this boy about the dangers of keeping secrets and letting people touch him, would be a good thing. an even better thing though would be to get professional help on this one. i can't believe that the goverment would let anyone who's ever offended to adopt a child, even if the person is not at risk for reoffending.


#220755 - 04/26/08 11:32 PM Re: My abuser is adopting - trigger potential [Re: bec]
Still Offline

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1
Let me respond with what I would do.

I'd approach DSS under my own name and fully identified. That is, no annonamous contact or letters. I would try to book an appointment with their General Counsel's office. You may have to send a letter in writing or email to get the appointment, but once they see the nature of your concern, they will likely scurry to contact you. The letter ought to have cc to The Governors Counsel of your state and at least two media/news stations of the state (with named producers). If they (the Gen Counsel) do not respond in a timely manner (2 business days), you may want to go visit the DSS main office in person to see who will speak to you live. They are civil servants...they HAVE to see you upon your request. I would invite both or all news stations along to shoot video of you attempting to seek pre-emptive justice. Go to the General Counsels office, ask anyone you see "who should I see about this?"

For some very directed guidance, you can ask to speak to a detective in your town. Tell him the situation and ask his opinion on who at DSS ought to be targeted for contact. Cops deal with DSS a lot. A detective may know his way around that administration.

This may sound like you would be a real aggressive prick doing this, but look at two factors:

1) You KNOW he's an abuser. (dont let him fool you or the world with simple doctors notes saying he's safe...Bull Shnick!!)
2) You fear this boy may be at real risk of being hurt.

Clearly, I tend to go with the nuclear option right away, but that's only when someone is at risk.

I realize this puts you at risk of personal stress and anxiety, but it may end with a great triumph in the name of Little You.

#220756 - 04/26/08 11:44 PM Re: My abuser is adopting - trigger potential [Re: Still]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hello NW,

It's an uncomfortable situation you have been placed in, to be sure. Ultimately, the decision is yours as to what you feel you should or should not do in this. If it were me, based upon what I know from your post, here's what I would do:

1. I would ask him if he has told the DSS of his past abusive actions. If he says yes, tell him you want proof. If he cannot or will not provide it, tell him you want the name of his caseworker at DSS whom he told so you can verify his story.

2. If he has not told DSS, tell him that unless he does so, then you will. Again, tell him you want proof. If he does not provide that proof, then follow through with contacting them and telling them of your concerns.

The above gives him the opportunity to do the right thing and doesn't make you look like you are simply bent on vengeance. You are looking out for the welfare of a little boy, which is highly commendable. If he does follow through with informing DSS of his past abusive behavior, and they still allow the adoption to go forwad (yes, government is full of stupid fucktards), then I would escalate the issue up the hierarchy of DSS as far as possible in order to keep this adoption from occuring.

Anyway, that's how I would handle it. JMO. I hope things work out well for you in this.


#220758 - 04/26/08 11:46 PM Re: My abuser is adopting - trigger potential [Re: Still]
JustJeff Offline

Registered: 03/19/08
Posts: 262
Yea. I agree with rob. It could save not only a lot of pain and suffering in the future but the most precious thing ever created out of god's limitless power. THE GIFT OF LIFE, and the most precious of them all. THE LIFE OF A CHILD.


#220763 - 04/27/08 12:52 AM Re: My abuser is adopting - trigger potential [Re: JustJeff]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

Well, for me the bottom line here is the welfare and safety of a little boy. It may well be that your brother is not a risk for reoffending, but he remains accountable for his past and the DSS needs to know about this past, assuming they do not know already.

I agree with Eddie here. I would confront your brother and tell him you want proof that he is not a risk. If he goes all righteous and indignant on you, walk away and call DSS. Or if he can't provide proof that DSS knows, contact them.

I agree with Rob on such matters. Any time I have gotten involved in any kind of case involving an abused child, I always give full identification of myself and provide contact details. You can't be sued for alerting authorities about possibilities that a child is in danger, and if you are more than an anonymous voice on a telephone you will be taken far more seriously.

But yes, I would also take this up with your T. It would be a good idea to discuss all this with him/her and go into this well-prepared.

But for me, I just don't see the option of doing nothing as being a viable one. We are, after all, talking about the safety of a child. Your brother's needs and interests count for nothing compared to that, and if he takes offense at your concerns, then I would wonder if he is as "cured" as he would like others to think.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#220768 - 04/27/08 01:16 AM Re: My abuser is adopting - trigger potential [Re: roadrunner]
KENKEN Offline

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762

As strong as you are and as concerned for this little guy that you are, I know you will do the right thing. For you and for that child. It is a very scary situation to be in. With proper help and guidance you will be ok. I just know it!

Please keep us informed as to the outcome. We are all behind you.



From the Movie: Antwone Fisher


#220777 - 04/27/08 01:50 AM Re: My abuser is adopting - trigger potential [Re: KENKEN]
melliferal Offline

Registered: 11/03/05
Posts: 1159
The most reliable predictor of a person's actions in the future is the person's actions in the past. That's just the way things are. Some people don't think that's fair, but those people tend to be the ones whose pasts predict less-than-rosy futures.

Children cannot consent; they can only comply.

Oprah's resources for male survivors

Page 1 of 4 1 2 3 4 >

Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.