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#220412 - 04/25/08 05:04 PM Im scared please help me
Erik1 Offline

Registered: 04/25/08
Posts: 3
Im sorry if this is incoherent.

I cant stop crying now for nearly an 1½ hour.

Its all coming back to be me, i havent felt this way in 10 years, it feels like it isnt me, im scared to death.

I have noone to talk to now, every second right now is hell, i cant put it otherwise, who am i? I dont know myself now.

I feel like i havent lived, like everything has been a lie.

I trying to calm now, i have been taking therapy, i never had it come to me and before now, what can i do, i dont know myself right now, i feel like i cant trust my therapist right now, only i could talk to my brother but i cant.

Im very scared now, like it would happened, please help me, what can i do?

#220426 - 04/25/08 05:39 PM Re: Im scared please help me [Re: Erik1]
TJ jeff Offline

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3560
Loc: Northern Wisconsin

Welcome to MS

tears is not a bad thing - helps to wash the pain away

deep slow breaths... - always helps to calm me down - count your breaths - a slow count of 5 in - a slow count of 5 out - just keep repeating that - in a few minutes you should feel yourself calming down...

Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

#220428 - 04/25/08 05:43 PM Re: Im scared please help me [Re: TJ jeff]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hi Erik, and welcome to the MS site. You've already taken some first steps in the recovery process, which is talking about what is inside you with a therapist, and now coming here and talking about it. Talking about this stuff is so critical to processing it. But take your time in doing so, take it at your own pace, and go as far as you feel comfortable with at the moment.


#220430 - 04/25/08 05:59 PM Re: Im scared please help me [Re: EGL]
Erik1 Offline

Registered: 04/25/08
Posts: 3
thanks for your support, im somewhat calm now at least in control.

this was the first time i let myself go back, and i felt like a completely different person, very strange and scary.

thanks again for replying so fast.

#220431 - 04/25/08 05:59 PM Re: Im scared please help me [Re: EGL]
Freedom49 Offline

Registered: 12/31/07
Posts: 2724
Loc: Washington State
HI Erik,
I agree with Jeff and Eddie, Deep breaths slow. You will be all right. I know it is very disturbing right now to have all this flooding your mind but you are ok. Nothing has changed you are just have a reaction to the process of remembering. Your body is remembering. Take it slow. Don't be afraid of your T. Just call the number on his/her card and see if you can get in to see them. Have a cup of hot tea or go for a walk out side if you can. Move around. don't sit and brood. You will be ok.
Welcome to Malesurvivor. You are among friends. You are not alone.

#220432 - 04/25/08 06:06 PM Re: Im scared please help me [Re: EGL]
Hauser Offline

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2963
Loc: United States
Hi Erik, I'm sorry you're in such a raw state right now, but please know that this is very common for many guys that first start trying to deal with traumatic events from their past.

My suggesting to you is that you start by talking, at your own pace, about what recent events led you here. Has this been buried for a long time and something that only just recently happened opened up a floodgate of memories? What's going on in your life right now is what I would suggest that you start talking about if you need help.

#220446 - 04/25/08 06:43 PM Re: Im scared please help me [Re: Hauser]
Erik1 Offline

Registered: 04/25/08
Posts: 3
Hi Hauser,

I will write a longer response when im less tired.

Today, i felt very lonely because of me not being part of a group activity at college, and at the same time i recently moved to another city, so i dont have any close friends yet.

So, the feeling of abandonment, lonelyness and rejection was powerfull.

Ive just started therapy 2 months ago, and today i while writing an email to my brother, i tried to remember good things from my childhood but suddenly evrything else flodded in, ive never felt like this before, maybe it was being lonely or the therapy, this time for the first time i allowed myself to go all the way back.

It was almost to much to handle, i was seriously afraid, my body shaking in fetal position.

Now i feel completely exhausted, but i think its good i got it out and posted here finally.

thanks again for your help

#220455 - 04/25/08 07:24 PM Re: Im scared please help me [Re: Erik1]
theo Offline

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1122
welcome to the brotherhood. the hardest thing for me was those very flashbacks...worse when they blew into full blown dissociative episodes. flashbacks we know we are still here, still present, still ourselves in the moment, even with the pain. at least that is hw i see it for me personally. what we learn is that no matter a memory flood or dissociative episode, we always come back. we survived and will continue to do so. we will be overwhelmed, but we always come back. that has been the only real comfort i have found in this journey relative to my own personal experience. for many of us, control is a survival issue and losing control is terrifying. it took me a long time to realize that even when i go somewhere else, somewhen else...theo the man always comes back. we are here for you, bro.

journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

#220463 - 04/25/08 07:55 PM Re: Im scared please help me [Re: theo]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

Like others have said, slow deep breaths - okay? You are safe and supported here and whatever you say we will understand. Just ease into your use of the site at a pace that feels safe to you. There's no need to rush or begin posting about things until you feel okay about it.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#220482 - 04/25/08 08:56 PM Re: Im scared please help me [Re: roadrunner]
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2667
Loc: durham, north england
Hello eric.

You've already taken some major steps I think, particularly going to see a therapist and especially posting here on this site. my experience has been that It's a great place for sharing things when you want to share them, and getting some good advice.

I can't add anything else to what others have said about your present feelings, ---- though if your a singer I can also recommend that. Just know that these things pass, and at the end you'll stil be here where ever you go in betwene.

what you say about feeling lonely and isolated at university when you don't participate in groups really hits me. It's a feeling I've had increasingly as I've gone through university myself, and over the passed couple of years it's been really overwhelming, especially when people become closed in and cliquey.

Just know that at uni there are lots of people from all over the place, and somewhere your likely to run into some nice friendly ones sooner or later. the only thing I will say, and it's not a thing I find easy to apply to myself, is that however alone you feel, you do have to go to different functions and groups and meet other people, ---- perhaps not all the time, but sometimes.

this isn't something I've found easy to do myself, and I'm only just getting the idea myself, and that after a lot of loneliness and struggle.

good luck to you, your in the right place.


#220503 - 04/25/08 10:28 PM Re: Im scared please help me [Re: dark empathy]
KENKEN Offline

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762

I really feel for you at this time. Every here on MS understands what you are feeling right now. Just remember that this is normal to feel like you do and to cry. You have great friends and lots of support here. This place has helped me so much, especially in the beginnig of my journey.

Keep up the faith, we are all here for you



From the Movie: Antwone Fisher


#220510 - 04/25/08 10:35 PM Re: Im scared please help me [Re: KENKEN]
dannym Offline

Registered: 03/25/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado

Welcome to the site - I'm so sorry you are going through this right now. I understand those feelings coming so fast you don't know what to do with them - it is scary and horrifying, but you made it through - letting yourself go back takes great strength and courage - Like Ken said, everyone here understands the pain and anguish. We are here to listen and support you, and know you will do the same for us. It truly is a wonderful brotherhood you've come across.


"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

#220519 - 04/25/08 10:51 PM Re: Im scared please help me [Re: Erik1]
GateKPR4 Offline

Registered: 10/29/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
Something just like this happened to me when I finally faced my abuse after 25 years. I felt my whole life was a lie and what the hell have I been doing for 25 years. I cried at the drop of a hat, everything became emotional for me and I was so used to not feeling I did not know it was OK to feel the emotions I was feeling.
I found that after a couple weeks of crying I was actually healing by releasing all the emotions I kept hid away. The secrets were out and it was a strange new life and it was hard to adjust to. Just try to hang in there and cry as much as you need to, let it all out. venting here, and asking for help on the boards is a good start and there is a great support network here at MS.

I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
|| || || || || || |

#220584 - 04/26/08 05:03 AM Re: Im scared please help me [Re: dark empathy]
endlessjourney Offline

Registered: 11/01/05
Posts: 518
Loc: Cincinnati Ohio
Erik, sometimes these things come out and scare the hell out of us. The only thing I can say, is that, after going through that episode, you are one step closer to healing. Take it one piece at a time. Everything will be alright. Trust me.

I know everything you've learned growing up is now being contradicted. Talk about confusing. However, when you're scared, just realize, that as your life changes, the world becomes so much more beautiful. Each step closer, you'll feel it more and more. You're over the hump. We may go back and forward at times, but, as a whole, you are moving in the right direction. You'll find in the future, why all of this was worth it. Stay strong. You can do this!

Truth is the very reason we strive to live. It surrounds and resides within us. Accepting the truths we already know and seeking out those we do not is a direct path to inner balance and joy. For life is not a means to an end, but a journey. Life comes and goes but the truth will always live on.

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