This is deep isn't it?
On the surface:
If you are an attractive speciman & get a lot of surface attention it gets real meaningless real fast
(unless one is an attention sponge or promiscuous)
That aint you bro
Still when we first meet or see someone the physical is all we have to react to
It sounds like you devalue your own physical desireability & distrust anyone that feels it
That kinda makes sense based on your experiences doesn't it?
It starts out as self protection
but sounds like it's evolved into an electrified fence & attack cats
Nothing wrong with wanting to be desired for who you are as well as for what you look like
Yer gonna work through this
& the right person for you
is going to be very lucky IMO