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#219713 - 04/22/08 07:00 PM I resent GOD (POSSIBLE TRIGGERS)
simonsurvives Offline

Registered: 03/17/08
Posts: 58
Loc: California, Fresno
I really resent God becuase in my life all I am trying to do is better. I am trying to understand a lot about me and the world around me. All I seem to get into is more and more pain. I am trying to move to SF. Everything around me though is falling apart. I dont have a job up there. I found out I might have clamedia. My firned may not want to move in with us. I may not graudate. My partents have fucked with my head from day one. And all the while I am just suppose to act like this is acceptable in my life. It doesnt make sense to me. That a man who molests 600 kids get probabtion. I have normal and a good person and I seem to hear is bad news. How about this something goes well. God for fucking bid I get what I want and I want what I work hard for. I don't get it. I really don't. George Bush can kill thousands upon thousands of people and he gets to retire as a millonaire. I am you and the whole group struggle to make ends meat and hope that the next day wont bring a trigger so bad that we look like the child that it happened to. I just dont fucking understand this. Why do we struggle why are we the ones in pain. Why do I have to wake up with an image in my head back the pictures in front of my eyes saying I am a bad person. I resent GOD because how am I suppose to believe my pain is deserved and worth it while others in the world do not have to worry about bs like this. Fuck GOD and his divine plan FUCK GOD and is bs and FUCK religion no relief or anything good has come out of me growing up with two pastors. Nothing good has come out of me listening to that bs. Nothing good has happened. A much needed vent.

Edited by ModTeam (04/22/08 07:29 PM)

#219715 - 04/22/08 07:08 PM Re: I resent GOD [Re: simonsurvives]
Still Offline

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1
Simon, Good vent!

Quick question (and I PROMISE that I am not going to spin this around on you to try and trip you up or anything like that). I'm just curious about one thing and I'll leave it at that, unless you want me to answer any questions:

Do you believe there IS a God?

#219717 - 04/22/08 07:14 PM Re: I resent GOD [Re: Still]
simonsurvives Offline

Registered: 03/17/08
Posts: 58
Loc: California, Fresno
I think that there is I just feel that situations happen in my life and for some reason they happen over and over in different times and yet that hold something in them that I am suppose to learn. I hate it. I hate it because we have to learn so much while others live there lives to be ignorant. I see things happen and I see things happen in my life and how they change in that there is something creating these interactions otherwise why the brains. Why the intelligence. Good question. It helps me think and put things in perspective.


#219741 - 04/22/08 08:41 PM Re: I resent GOD [Re: simonsurvives]
Freedom49 Offline

Registered: 12/31/07
Posts: 2724
Loc: Washington State
Simon, I agree with Robbie this is a good vent and I am glad you are able to get this out and release all the anger and frustration so you can get on the real questions you need to be looking at. I have found there are Why's that help me to address and attend to and there a other Why's that are of no use and a complete waste of energy and resources. Sometimes though I just need to vent all the whys and get them out. It helps clear the air and allows me to focus on what I need the help me now. Hang in there guy and keep posting and it will get better. Honest.

#219797 - 04/22/08 11:51 PM Re: I resent GOD [Re: Freedom49]
WalkingSouth Offline

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16270
Loc: Waldport, Oregon
I agree with Rob and Roger. No problem feeling angry, hurt, resentful, etc., at God. It's a positive step in the healing process, actually. Doesn't matter if you're a "believer" or not.


"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting 'Holy Shit! What a ride!'" ~Hunter S. Thompson

#219811 - 04/23/08 01:01 AM Re: I resent GOD [Re: WalkingSouth]
rchsweetie Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/06/08
Posts: 23
[am I allowed to post in this section, as a "family and friend"? If not, I sincerely apologize - and a moderator should move my post to wherever it is appropriate.]

Simon, your post really struck me. As someone who is in school studying to become a rabbi, but still wondering if there is a God - and if so, where He is in her life right now - I felt compelled to reply to your post. Please don't take it as me pushing (any) religion on you, because I'm not - and please don't feel like I have any vested interest in your answer to this question, because I don't.

Robbie asked a good starter question - do you believe that there is a God. I'd like to ask a follow up question - since you said yes, what sort of God do you believe in?

Does the God you believe in have a Divine Plan? Or is there another image of God that works better for you? Do you want to believe in a God that you view as a Father Figure? Or is that more painful than to see Him as a spirit in nature?

I think it is a totally acceptable answer to believe in a God that would look very different from the God your pastors believed in. I don't know much about Christianity, but I do know that there is a specific image of God that is taught. If that doesn't work for you, don't accept it! In fact, I wonder if it would help in the healing process to reject that God, and build a relationship with a God that you can trust and rely on.

There are so many acceptable views of God, I'd love to encourage you to find one that works for you - one that you can yell at, scream at, one that will listen to you and support you when you need support but be your punching bag when you need that. Right now my relationship with my God alternates between me yelling at Him when angry for what He allows to happen here on earth, and between me ignoring His presence because I just can't handle Him right now.

I think Freedom49 is right that this vent may not be about the real questions that you are dealing with. But if it is, or if you are venting at God (something I do often!), can I suggest a book for you to read? It is called "When Bad Things Happen To Good People" by Harold S. Kushner. It is written by a rabbi who lost a son as a young child, to a destructive disease. Although he says that the book isn't about theology, I can really relate to the image of God that he presents. And I have found it very comforting - and it comes highly recommended by people from all faiths.


#219978 - 04/23/08 10:12 PM Re: I resent GOD [Re: rchsweetie]
simonsurvives Offline

Registered: 03/17/08
Posts: 58
Loc: California, Fresno
I really like your post and I do take all the posts to heart because they help me see other perspectives from the same viewpoint (abuse). I do see God through my parents eyes. I do see that he believes from the Christianity perspective. Thank you for shining the light on that issue. With God in mind I feel I cannot get mad at him I cannot feel he true anger I feel towards him. God I view more as a spirit that anything. It is hard for me to separate my pain and God. My parents went threw seminary. My parents have masters. An MBA for my father and a masters of divinity for both of my parents. They are not dumb ppl. In accordance with that they still could not get past hurting me. Religion is at the center of this. And God being that figure of most religion that I was surrounded by brings difficult correlations between them. Your book sounds intriguing. Though I find it a step away from where I am coming from. I still will take a look at it though. Having a son die from a disease is a horrible things. I think that it can be one of the hardest things anyone person can deal with. However the abuse and sexual abuse I went through ultimatly was a chose by those who did it to me. Dying from a disease is really not a choice. I am angry at God because that choice was bestowed upon me. That choice by my perps hurt me. In connection with there learning about God and there idea of right relates in many forms to God ad religion. The Jews faith is beautiful to me. I love the ideas and Philosophies that they live by. Though it is still religion and God is at the center. My anger overwelms me so that it is imposible for me to see past it at this moment. I am sorry that my thinking cannot really go past it at this moment.

#220326 - 04/25/08 06:51 AM Re: I resent GOD [Re: simonsurvives]
blueshift Offline

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
Just my two cents: any God that can't accept his own creations being pissed at him has no business running a universe. (and probably isn't.)

My Story
My Art

#220383 - 04/25/08 02:24 PM Re: I resent GOD [Re: blueshift]
VLinvictus Offline

Registered: 12/05/07
Posts: 273
Loc: NY
I second Rachel's recommendation of Kushner's book. It is a good read.

Our beliefs about God tend to say much more about us and our community than God Him/Her/Itself. What do we think God is? Is God a combination of Superman and Santa Claus writ large? Or is God the impersonal unity of all existence? Or is God a metaphor we use to name the highest of human ideals? Or something else entirely?

What we believe about God determines what we expect from God, what we expect from God determines whether we can feel resentful toward God or not.

I do not believe in a personal God that answers prayers and intervenes in history to save us from danger. If such a God existed, He would have a lot of explaining to do. Yet, I believe in God -- I believe that there is fundamental unity to existence in which all of us take part, that there is a process at work in the nature of existence that struggles for life against death, order against entropy, that there is something within the human spirit that inspires us to work for justice and do acts of loving-kindness, to maximize the human potential for ourselves and everyone else, to make human life more fully human. That, to me, is God.

Human beings can choose to act in harmony with these trends or forces -- "to do with will of God" -- or not. It is in human choice and human action that all responsibility lies. Sexual abuse, of course, is contrary to the promotion of life in its quality and quantity. It destroys life and is therefore evil. Perps choose to act contrary to life and engage in destructive behaviors. They are the ones who are guilty. They are the ones to blame.

We are fortunate that there are others who instead choose to act in harmony with the fundamental unity of existence -- with God -- who can help us, if not to stop the abuse and punish and/or rehabilitate the abuser then at least to help us in our recovery.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
~ Oscar Wilde

#230022 - 06/10/08 10:47 AM Re: I resent GOD [Re: VLinvictus]
Bulala Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/09/08
Posts: 17

I've been away for a while but something in this caught me and I wanted to get it out there to ya...for whatever reason. are my thoughts! sorry its SO obnoxiously long!

Religion seems to be the problem, as you said...and I hope that through this God and you can come to a place that you understand that it is much more about y'alls (you and God's) relationship, than it is about 'religion'...aka. someone else's interpretations of HOW you are SUPPOSED to have that relationship.
I've found that lots of abuse survivors have a similar aversion to religiosity. I think that it has something to do with someone taking away your choice in how to have a relationship.

In thinking about my relationship with my friends...I can think of many instances where I have felt anger, or resentment at them...
...then I think about my relationship with those even closer to me, like my family and my fiance and those feelings are amplified! And MANALIVE! I can get pretty darn angry with my fiance! And him me...but it doesn't change the fact that we love each other and want to do what is best for each other (not neglect ourselves!)

So.....I think its completely appropriate and cathartic, in a sense, to get angry with God.

And secondly- MORE BOOKS TO READ! hehe...
-The Shack -by William Young (its fiction but profound in meaning and very out of the box in perspective...its basically about recovery, God, tragedy and how this all plays out in one man. Its amazing...)
-Healing Spiritual Abuse & Religious Addiction -by the whole family of "Linn" kids. Really just some great stuff about how much of a turn off "religion" is...and that our society/culture/world has moved away from the meaningfulness of having a higher power, sacrificing it for an archaic dogma that limits and ultimately destroys true faith.

Good things to think about in your search to figure out what is so frustrating and kind of helps "unpack" the anger...
you reap what you sow and it takes work and time to reap that harvest. a flower has to be pruned in order to grow right?

...God is not your earthly father, pastor or any other man (or woman for that matter) you have ever known. If you do believe in his existence in a generally Biblical based sense then you need to know that God created ALL emotion, some of it is to be used as a means for growth, or to tell us that something is wrong but none of it is really new news to Him or too much for Him to understand/forgive
...Anger is a gift.
allow it, own it, express it, let it go

I opine that you have a fear of allowing yourself to be angry at God because you are afraid of the repercussions of that anger.
...perhaps because it happened with people very real in your life.

But I know for a fact that God is not a God who will chide you or punish you for personal growth....and anger is an important part of the recovery process.

So yes, feel what you feel and keep going! What if this flower you planted has just gone through the dead of winter and spring is coming? Wouldn't you prune/trim/pluck or whatever so it could fill out and bloom even more beautifully than the last time?

Reap what YOU sow...not what someone else has.

"There's life outside of your madness, and there's a face behind every scar...but theres a LOVE overflowing with gladness. Get out of that place that's restraining your love."

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