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#219565 - 04/21/08 07:43 PM the fight
nicky Offline

Registered: 08/24/07
Posts: 261
my mind and my heart tell me two diffrent things
my mind tells me give up now its just not worth it
my heart tells me you have to keep going
something good wants to happen
i dont know what to do

the fight within me confuses me so much more each day
i dont have any idea what way to go
which to follow
give up or keep going
i have no clue
the fight within me strengthens

im extremly confused
my mind and heart battle constantly
i dont know what to do
i just try to keep folowing my heart
because ive heard thats the best thing to do

but my heart is in a weakend state
and thogh my mind is nearly destroyed
its grip on me is tight and painful
i never know what is in store

im scared
to make just one wrong move
can anybody understand
this thing that has control of me is stronger then you will ever comprehend

i like the rain cause no one knows im crying

a strong man is one who is able to control himself when he is angry
what is your definiton of control?

i lay awake another hour
just like the one before
the shadows play a game with my head
i can't take this anymore

#219570 - 04/21/08 08:06 PM Re: the fight [Re: nicky]
Freedom49 Offline

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2724
Loc: Washington State
I get you Nicky, You need help walking through this. You can't do it alone. I have tried. You have tried. We have huge blind spots in our perception of ourselves. I can see things in you but can't see the same things in me and vice versa because of the blind spots. This is what a therapist can do for us is provide us with insight, direction and understanding that we by ourselves cannot grasp. Hence the fight and the confusion.

You are doing the right thing by posting and talking about what you are feeling and going through. That is good but it is not enough and I can tell you can sense this from your poetry. Get some good help if you can Nicky. If you need help finding a good Therapist Message Ken Singer or one of the mods.

Finally, Nicky the situation you are in is not hopeless. There is recovery and healing for you. Be strong and hold on. We are here for you and we hear your pain. You have friends. You are not alone in this. This was not your fault and you can beat it.

#219639 - 04/22/08 06:46 AM Re: the fight [Re: Freedom49]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

I think this fight, as you call it, is a rough one for most of us. A decisive step in my own recovery came when I decided to try to concentrate on my feelings rather than my fears about those feelings. Pretty quickly I began to see that with all those bad ideas I had about myself, once I began to look at them seriously it became easier to see how false they were. I felt ashamed, for example, but I discovered I wasn't a shameful person - not as a boy and not as a man either. I had felt guilty, but I discovered that I had done nothing wrong - it really wasn't my fault.

Just some thoughts.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#460702 - 02/14/14 06:23 AM Re: the fight [Re: nicky]
victor-victim Offline

Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6363
Loc: 𝒪 𝒦anada
such terrifying confusion.
hard to see through the fog of war.

i really related and resonated with the ending.

Originally Posted By: nicky
"im scared
to make just one wrong move
can anybody understand
this thing that has control of me is stronger then you will ever comprehend"

i can understand, and i do comprehend.
i am still scared.
i still struggle with my moves.
i am fighting right beside you,
fighting for control of me, but i am stronger every day.
stronger than ever. winning battles.
i hope you are winning back your control of you.

glad you shared this.


#460735 - 02/14/14 03:29 PM Re: the fight [Re: nicky]
Shyshark Offline

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 812
Loc: Canada
Hey nicky ...

I'd be stunned if anyone here said they've never felt that way.
We all comprehend my friend ...

What to do about it ???

God almighty ... !!!!

I wish I knew.
Experience is a brutal teacher.


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