It has been one week now that my former GF has moved back into her own home. Luckily for all concerned, her renters moved out early. Now that I can reflect back after a week to digest just what happened, it is much easier to think and react without, anger, frustration, hurt feelings, bitter pain. lack of sleep and all the rest.
It was not any easy week, however I made it thru with the help of all my friends. I am so appreciative of all the good thoughts and words expressed to me this past week. My friends here at MS, at WoR in Sequoia, my group therapy buddies and my personal friends helped me so much. Thank you again.
The break-up was expected. I did act out last June. She informed me recently that she could not forgive me or trust me again. Many mean things were said regarding me being unfaithful to her recently, that were just not true. That did hurt me very hard because I thought I was doing so well in my recovery. I guess not good enough for her.
I have come to some conclusions this past week. I certainly was not good enough for her. She deserves much more than I could have ever given her. She was right, I was totally at fault for what I did to hurt her. Now that she is free of me and my baggage I hope she will find the man of her dreams who can make her happy and make her dreams come true. I do wish her well.
Now, I must go on with my life. I have many unresolved issues I have to deal with. With the help of my support system, I will be OK. I am a fighter and a warrier. My "little guy" is fighting me right now. He is mad at me for feeling I am a worthless guy, who just can't seem to get his life in order. He is mad at me for not standing up for the good that is in me. He is pissed off because I feel ashamed of who I am and all the guilt that I continue to carry around. He knows that the CSA was not my fault, but I continue to feel I should have done more to protect him.
So I have decided to put the puzzle pieces of my life back on the table that I totally trashed last week. I will start over and make this puzzle a Master Piece. I will work on my faults, I will make a good life for me and my kids. Maybe some day I will be honored to have a significant other in my life that will be proud of me. I deserve better than what I had and what I have now. I know I will stumble and fall along the way, but I came this far. I made it through this detour in my life. I have learned so much about myself since I started my journey. I am a determined guy, that no one can ever take away from me.
Thanks for listening and thanks again for all your help and support. Now I better get started, I have work to do.
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN
From the Movie: Antwone Fisher
***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***