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#219979 - 04/23/08 10:19 PM Re: Help and advice please! [Re: dark empathy]
Denniss Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/17/08
Posts: 25
Loc: California

Surgeon General's Warning: I'm no expert \:\)

It's clear there is a unique friendship and bond between you two.... and it's also clear that you are experiencing stronger than normal feelings for her. You can analyze this to death or simply let the dance (however mild or wild) continue at the pace you are comfortable.

One thought is to simply set aside some "chat" time with her and conduct an honest dialogue exchange between the two of you. Obviously it takes a level of mutual trust and respect but could go a long way if you both were willing to have such a conversation. In the spirit of remaining candid and respectful, you could explore each other's interest and feeling.... not just about each other but about a broad range of topics.

It feels like the SA piece should wait until you feel safe enough within the relationship.

Breathe and enjoy the dance.... one step at a time....


#219981 - 04/23/08 10:27 PM Re: Help and advice please! [Re: Denniss]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey

I'm so happy to hear that you had a good time but even more importantly, you sound so much more relaxed than in your first post. I may be reading you wrong, but it's what I see. You don't have to be in love and she doesn't have to be in love to enjoy each other's company and friendship. Could it turn into that? maybe. Could it not? sure. But would it be awful either way? It sounds to me like you've got a good friend who will respect you and your boundaries, letting you ease into your comfort zone as you find it. Whether she stays a good friend or develops into a girlfriend, she sounds like a keeper to me.

ROCK ON......Trish

If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

#220032 - 04/24/08 01:08 AM Re: Help and advice please! [Re: dark empathy]
Liv2124 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/06
Posts: 159
Loc: New Jersey
dark empathy,
I have to admit, I was elated to find that you'd posted the outcome of your evening, (and from where I'm standing, I'd say it went just the way it was supposed to!)
I do have to tell you, there really isn't ANYTHING I'd say was "generally weird" about you. You strike me as similar to just about everyone else I know. In the end, we all wish and want for similar things. We all recall and block out parts of our life that we wish never happened or that we wished we could do over again. And bad things happen to us that we have, or had, no control over.
She definitely likes you. She has now invited you to lunch. And you found a great means of introducing the touch issue. Perfect. It's not about her.
You do not have to be any more certain of her feelings than you are of your own. Take it slow. Like they say, "Rome wasn't built in a day." It takes time to get to know someone. You don't have to be in love with her today either. It could be, (and I'm just playing devil's advocate here) that the last few times you thought you were in love, it wasn't love at all. You certainly wouldn't be the first one to make that mistake. I, myself, believed I loved the man I went on and married. It was 8 years and 3 kids later when I started to notice the neon sign over his head, blinking "Mistake". The way you describe your evening does sound promising. You're attracted to her. You had a good time with her. These are GOOD things!

Edited by Liv2124 (04/24/08 09:28 PM)

#220395 - 04/25/08 03:16 PM Re: Help and advice please! [Re: Liv2124]
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2667
Loc: durham, north england
thanks people. It's funny, we can talk about a lot of things, but I'd be afraid if we discussed feeling with each other. in fact, one thing I'm wondering now is that all the people I've had really deep conversations about myself and my feelings with are people with whome there was no possibility of things going further. I always come across as the very open person, people say so quite often, but what I'm now starting to think is that maybe there are parts of myself that I really don't want to share with others, ---- and I don't just mean the abuse. I can't even imagine how I'd get into that sort of conversation with her though.

As to the times I've been in love before, well as I said, I've managed to cut it off at stage one or two myself. But the three people I've got to stage three with, I'm stil certain there was something genuine going on there. All three were close friends I'd known for quite a while. two years in the first case (which was only a year after my abuse), and about three months in the other two cases.

In fact I saw **** last night and there was stil a reaction in me. We stood around and had a fairly in depth chat and a good laugh, and yes, despite all my feelings for her caused me, there's stil something there within me, ---- and something more than I feel for C at the moment, even though I've known C for quite a bit longer than I've known ****. In fact one difficult thing which is going to come up soon is that in our next production, my character is married to ****'s. I'd request a change of parts, accept that time is very short at the moment, and anyway a good performer should be able to leave personal feelings off stage, ---- heck, in The Mikado, I actually had to be both terrified of, and largely beaten up by a girl, which is dangerously close to my abuse, but as it was in the>

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