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#218651 - 04/17/08 03:06 AM i need help!
blebar Offline

Registered: 04/17/08
Posts: 1
i just signed up with MS and need some guidance.

in december of 2006, i received and e-mail from a distant family member that my high school boyfriend had been sent home from the hospital to die. i hadn't spoken to him in over 30 years but never stopped loving him and never forgot about him.

needless to say, i was devastated and had to find out about what was going on with him. although he lives in the small town we lived in, i couldn't find him. i recruited my mother's help and through some of her old friends, she was able to find his mother.

she contacted his mom and got his number and called him. after i spoke with my mom, she told me that my old flame was home and was going to live, i was relieved. from there it took me over 6 months to get in touch with him because i was afraid of my feelings. but i did find out that he almost died from stage 2 liver disease from alcohol abuse; he nearly drank himself to death.

i was a more than a little disturbed about this because it just wasn't like him (the him i knew) to do something so destructive to himself.

i eventually wrote him a letter and he got it right before his birthday. we started talking on the phone, one thing led to another and we decided to see one another. despite our physical changes over the years, when i saw him, i so knew i really never stopped loving him and his arms around me made me feel safer than i had in my life.

while we were together, i didn't see him drinking alot or exhibiting any abnormal behavior. the last time we saw one another in january of this year, he didn't show anything scary either.

during our absences from one another, he gets drunk quite frequently and i don't like to talk to him like that. he had told me during one of our long conversations that one of his older brothers had abused him as a young boy. being a survivor of child abuse from a step father, i could really understand his pain and shame from this.

although he has promised me on several occasions he would stop his destructive drinking, he hasn't. two nights ago he did it again and i was beginning to feel that i was ready to end this relationship before it ever really had a chance to get started. it was breaking my heart because i couldn't understand what was going on in his head.

FINALLY last night, he understood i was ready to walk away, and he broke down with more details of the abuse that went on in his family. it seems that both of his older brothers participated in mutual incest together but the one that abused him, had continually performed oral sex on him and tried to rape him but didn't follow through with it because he couldn't, if you can understand what i am saying.

it broke my heart to hear the story and i wanted to be with him so much (i live in fl and he lives in il).

i understand now what has transpired in his life, he has tried to drink the pain and shame away, he said he was damaged goods and of course i assured him he wasn't and told him it wasn't his fault. he has never shared this with anyone in his life, his parents never knew (his father has died); he doesn't want to tell his mom because he doesn't want her to have to die knowing one of her children is a predator.

the point i am at is this: after this break through last night, i talk to him again tonight and he has yet again self medicated himself after he promised he would try to stop.

i so love him and do look forward to hopefully spending the rest of my life with him. but i need to do whatever i can to get him help so he can heal because i cannot live with the alcohol abuse or other drug use as well.

please give me some advice so i don't make him feel bad but can help him fulfill his dream of moving on and not feeling like "damaged goods". i know this awful thing has held him back from a full life and i want to give that to him.

thank you and bless you all.


#218656 - 04/17/08 03:53 AM Re: i need help! [Re: blebar]
Bewlayb1 Offline

Registered: 08/04/07
Posts: 243
Loc: NYC
I understand so well what you are going through, wanting to heal someone who is in terrible pain. It seems that I'm not interested in a relationship with a person who hasn't suffered as badly as I have. But it's never worked. Even if I genuinely loved them, I couldn't save them.

You, yourself, are a survivor of abuse. You have your own problems and your own sadness. You're probably still dealing with it. It isn't healthy to devote yourself utterly to someone else.

I know that since you've been hurt you understand his pain. I've been there. Maybe I'm still there. But if I look at myself objectively: I was raped for two years, I was nearly mute and out of my mind for a decade: who am I to heal a drug addict, an alchoholic, or even a fellow survivor? It's so alluring, and it seems so possible, but it's crazy. - I'm telling myself as I'm telling you.

I still believe I can't love anyone who hasn't had some kind of tragedy. I can't empathize otherwise. But it's ultimately draining to be with someone worse off than you. I've just ended a bad relationship, and though I've never accomplished it before, I'd like to be with someone simply because they make me happy. Similar pasts may bind us together, but I don't want to be a weaker person's crutch.

You obviously love him and care deeply about him, but you have to suspect that there's nothing much you can do for him. What seemed like a breakthrough disappointed you and broke your heart.

Before you commit to spending your life with him, you should think about if he never changes. Can you be with him forever if he remains as self-destructive as he is now? You should think about yourself, and what makes you happy. Perhaps you should take a break from him to figure it out.

If he really loves you, he'll understand that your wellbeing matters too. I sympathize greatly with both of you, and I wish the best for both of you.


#218659 - 04/17/08 04:17 AM Re: i need help! [Re: blebar]
Hauser Offline

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2963
Loc: United States
Hi b and welcome to Malesurvivor.

I'll get right to it:

Is he serious about recovery? Frankly I don't think he is. If someone says that they're gonna stop drinking and killing themselves, but then just resume it for whatever reasons, they're not serious about recovery. (I'm talking about the alcohol here)

Before we get into how to get him to stop drinking (and I agree that he should), we need to find out WHY he's doing it. You mentioned that he does it to hide from the pain and the shame. Well, the shame of WHAT? Many boys get sexually abused by their brothers, but it doesn't compel most of them to drink themselves to death. Is there something going on that he hasn't told you or you haven't told us?

My suggestion to you is that you keep talking to him, and let him know that you're open to the the notion of him disclosing more of what happened to him, or what he himself has done, but isn't telling you. Also, I would advise him of the need for professional help because us "normal" people USUALLY lack the necessary knowledge and tools that are needed to help deal with the many aspects that sexual abuse (and in this case heavily mixed with alcohol abuse) can bring about in our everyday lives and functioning.

A warning for you, if he sinks much lower, there may be no coming back. He doesn't have a great margin for error at this point with his health from what you're telling me.


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