I came to this site a couple months ago after I began to realize that I had real problems, that have been causing my life to really fall apart and I have ended up doing some crazy shit.

A lot of what I have learned just from this site has been helpful, it has made me realize that yes my pain is real....

My sexual abuse was done in such a way that the whole time it
was tried to seem okay. Very deliberately done so that it made it seem not only natural but so that until the past bit I didn't really see it for what it was.

I was orally abused by an older boy from school when I was 12.

I had barely any friends up until that point, I was pretty sheltered as a kid, I lived with my family and hadn't socialized
much. I thought that this was what all guys were like after this.

I have been unable to relate to guys since this.

I put this reality out of my mind. I dissociated. I separated
emotionally from the incident and fooled myself into believing that I had forgiven him and that everything was okay.

In my first time ever at this boy's house, the door to his room was locked and he proceeded to give me oral sex and have me give him oral sex.

We had never really hung out together before and had no close emotional feelings.

I have been unable to be intimate since this incident with guys.

I told myself that I would do a good job with this survivor story, but I am bad at writing any details.

I remember the songs he would play while being abused. He made me play Trouble and whoever lost had to perform sex on the other. One time I was about to orgasm in his mouth and I ran to the bathroom thinking that I was about to pee.

I thought I was gay after this incident. I stopped thinking that I was attracted to girls.

I began to sexualize contact with guys, I thought of every guy in a sexual way. All of my friends I made at college I thought of ssexually.

I was raped by an older man my first night out in the city here. He tricked me into changing at his place with this dancer who was paid to get me raped.

I felt very deceived.
He came into the shower and made me have sex with him.

Then that same night I was made to have sex with another man in a nightclub.

I continued to have nonconsensual sex for a year after that before I realized it was a problem and stopped.

I have long been addicted to sex, it is a way for me to escape the pain and I have been addicted to many other things.

I am just beginning to deal with my depression. I have acted like
it hasn't been there.

I have started seeing a counselor and am thinking maybe I should see a therapist as well. I have skipped my meetings with my counselor while having sex with strangers in cruddy hotels.

I have not been attracted to anyone I have had sex with, I wanted to get approval and the guys were intimate with me when i was having sex with them.

That intimacy is something I really long for.
My dad is mentally ill so I never really had a male in my life
until my abuser.

And never since...