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#217982 - 04/14/08 07:13 AM Aidans thoughts on SA
Aidanchase Offline

Registered: 02/14/07
Posts: 89
Loc: Vancouver, BC
Well its midnight and I just had to get these thoughts out some way and I guess its text tonight. Lately I have been thinking about how unique SA is to any other kind of abuse, at least for me it was. Having experienced both physical and sexual it was as if black and white separated both events and even the actions of my mom during them. During her times of rage when the physical abuse happened it was like she was a different person and I was just a punching bag rather then a son. However, when the sexual things happened I was her special boy. I read david pelzers story of his abuse and his mom treated him like something sub human ratty cloths no food horrible atrocities.... but I got Christmas presents and hugs and told I was loved. sorry but WTF.... I really don't know what else to say to these thoughts but I think these are a few of the last thoughts that make it hard to say its not my fault for 100% belief.

#217987 - 04/14/08 09:46 AM Re: Aidans thoughts on SA [Re: Aidanchase]
dking777 Offline

Registered: 03/17/08
Posts: 94
Loc: CA

Strive to make a positive difference.

Edited by dking777 (10/25/09 05:08 AM)
And may you be in heaven
half an hour before the devil knows you're dead.

Bittersweet Symphony

#217998 - 04/14/08 12:23 PM Re: Aidans thoughts on SA [Re: dking777]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

The problem you talk about in your post is a really big one for many young survivors who were abused by a parent. After all, a guy needs and wants to have a loving Mom and Dad. He yearns for that and finds it difficult to accept the idea that one of his parents could do such a terrible thing as abuse him sexually. There's also the problem that a lot of times the boy accepts what his abusing parent is doing; he thinks this is what happens when your Mom or Dad loves you.

But then later on, as he gets older, he begins to see that in reality he was abused. That really hurts and he needs an explanation. One way out of this dilemma is to go back to the old idea that it wasn't abuse after all; Mom or Dad did love him, and this was how they expressed their love. But then this just bring up another difficulty: if the parent was just showing love and the boy accepted it, then isn't the boy somehow "responsible" for what happened?

The answer here, Aidan, is that you deserved to be special, loved and important without sex getting into the picture. The presents and affection were great, sure, but none of that meant you were obliged to give sex in exchange for them.

Perhaps even more important is this, my friend. You were a kid! You were too young to understand what was going on and what it meant. As the saying goes, "And abused child may comply, but that isn't consent." No one can give consent when they don't understand what is being done to them, or when the cost of refusing seems to be an unbearable price, such as the loss of love and affection.

So yes, Aidan, you may have felt special when your mother gave you presents and treated you as her special boy when she wanted sex from you, but it wasn't your job to see through this or understand that you were being used and mistreated.

You were not to blame, not in any way. Never.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#218032 - 04/14/08 03:48 PM Re: Aidans thoughts on SA [Re: roadrunner]
Freedom49 Offline

Registered: 12/31/07
Posts: 2724
Loc: Washington State
Aiden Parents make some of the best groomers. They are naturals. They take advantage of the natural love a child has for his mommy and daddy and use that to get what they feel they need, feel they deserve from their kids.

We look to them as loving protectors. They abuse that dependance we have on them and in my case I came to the place that I initiated much of the later stuff still trying to please my daddy so he will love me and still think I am special. His special boy. Our special love.

For many many years I carried the guilt of thinking I caused, perpatrated my own abuse. The reality is that I was groomed and made to feel that was the way I needed to show my love and respect to my dad. It sickens me and I want to weep as I type these words to realize this.

Your feeings are not unusual for a child abused by a parent. They are still incorrect. You were just a kid. A sweet loving adorable eager to please beautiful child that was raped by a very sick person.

I am sad for both of us. ((((((Aiden)))))

Edited by Freedom49 (04/15/08 04:45 AM)

#218197 - 04/15/08 04:38 AM Re: Aidans thoughts on SA [Re: Freedom49]
hogan_dawg Offline

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
Good point Roger, about the 'grooming' capabilities of parents. I'd not thought of it using quite so exact and precise of terms, but it's the only term that fits.

Aidenchase I wonder if she has/had other relationships with the same "Come here I love you slap slap" kind of back and forth thing going on?

I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003


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