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#217729 - 04/13/08 06:06 AM Re: I don't know what to call this one! [Re: dgoods]
Chagrin Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/18/08
Posts: 17
Loc: BC Canada

I like what you said. I don't take offense at all because I AM a very loving and supportive person. I think my post was just me coming to terms with the fact that there is nothing I can do to help my husband, or myself really, by being on this site. I have learned so much here and while it has been amazing for MANY people, unfortunately for ME, it has turned into a place of confusion and negativity about our situation... As you can see from Ken's post... this is NOT a good thing!!

I was just wanting to share my perspective as a spouse in case there are others, like me, that show up looking for "all the answers" too! \:\) It's all a big learning process and I'm trying my best to gain understanding for my own well-being! I appreciate all the replies so much and think your points are very valid!

~ Chagrin \:\)

#217730 - 04/13/08 06:21 AM Re: I don't know what to call this one! [Re: dgoods]
Magoo Offline

Registered: 04/04/08
Posts: 48
Loc: far, far away
Ken, I'm real sorry to hear that. I can see the trust issues flying all over for you now.
If we had a magic wand to make this shit go away, we would use it. We don't enjoy the muck and mire of our past and we sure don't want anyone else to roll around in it either.
I have to work through this and decide when I'm done with it. To finally be happy; that's my bottom line. I don't want to come to this website for years trying to rationalize thoughts and frustrations while beauty and joy ( and time ) are passing me by. Everyone has their own battle they're fighting, everyone has problems. To ask someone to fight this fight with you and forget their own shit, is a tall order. Hence why after I told my fiance, she promised to put away her own crap and work with me. I knew in my heart, it wasn't going to happen. I knew I had to fight this dragon ALONE and only I would decide when the fight was over...FOREVER!! Me, I, No one else.
Stay cool,bro

#217732 - 04/13/08 06:52 AM Re: I don't know what to call this one! [Re: dgoods]
Brian Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 1563
Loc: Upstate NY
Ken and all,

I'm sorry that you are going through this. Your situation is exactly what I was talking about in my above post. I hope it works out for you in one way or another.

Some partners come here with all the best intentions but get sucked into that deep, dark hole (with us) without realizing that it's happening. They read way too much and become overwhelmed with the all the problems that we deal with. They internalize hundreds of issues; many of which may not even apply to their situation! Unfortunately, they become overwhelmed and scared that things will never get better for them and/or their relationship. Subconsciously, they may start to try to control our recovery process in a way that they think will work best for us or in a way that worked for someone else here that they read about! They don't realize that this is one of the most counterproductive things they could do. It's a very sad situation for everyone involved.

I wish I knew what the answer was! I respect each and every partner who visits the F&F forum! They are in a very difficult position. Some of them have invested 2,5,10,25 years of time and love in to their relationships. I can't blame them for wanting to educate themselves in this CSA recovery stuff and try to determine if it will all be worth it in the end; I would want to do the same thing!

For all the Friends and Family community, please be careful of falling into this trap! We need your support, but, as Chargrin said, You also need to take care of YOU!


Recovery is Possible!

#217801 - 04/13/08 03:39 PM Re: I don't know what to call this one! [Re: Brian]
honey girl Offline

Registered: 10/09/06
Posts: 245
Loc: Midwest US
Dear Chagrin,
Yes, this is an interesting post, worth thinking about.
But yes, absolutely, we need to think about and care for ourselves just as much as we care for and about our partners.
One of the best things about this site and the conversations on it is how much focus there always is for the F & F on taking care of our own "business" (polite term for s---). I've never been to an Al-Anon meeting, but I imagine it's a similar dynamic: it's enormously important not to get distracted from our own responsibility to ourselves by the seemingly greater issues of our CSA survivor partners.
I'm here as a partner, for sure, but I also have TONS of my own s--- to deal with. I'm a survivor, too, but even without that experience I know I still would have s--- to deal with. We all do. We're all human; we all make mistakes; we all have bad things happen to us.
So, as dgoods said, it's OK to acknowledge feelings of loss, grief and regret. But there's no way of telling what would have been in an alternate universe where the abuse never took place.
I do have compassion for your struggle, Chagrin. As I get older, I find that one of the hardest personal challenges I have is in accepting the reality of my own life. Oh, how I wish sometimes that I had a different one! That I had made different choices, took advantage of different opportunities, cultivated certain talents and not others. But, I did some things instead of others, and here I am.
See if you can take a break from thinking about what your H might have done differently, or do differently now, and think instead about you and your life. What are your regrets suggesting to you about your dreams? What are you doing now that goes against your better judgment about what is right for you? What are you doing now that tells you that yes, you are doing exactly what you need to be doing at this moment of your life?

I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

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