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#217685 - 04/13/08 02:28 AM I might have come to the end --
Brokenhearted Offline

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Hey everybody around here,
I'm still around. But I've come to perhaps the end of all the understanding I can do and all the hope I can have. Because two therapists so far really do believe my H is very likely bipolar, that alone seems to be a condition that makes things even more difficult for us. For one, bipolar (in the high, mania stage) can make a reasonable person be wildly unfaithful to the point of being unable to ever stop doing it. So....if this is truly something he has, he may never stop it unless he gets onto medication, and then that is in itself another ballgame altogether, getting meds that do help w/ mood swings, getting him to stay on it since it is a lifelong illness, etc.

So I don't know that there's anything more I can read or understand about csa that will help. The only other thing that I can think of is that maybe he just has a very poor character and cannot be faithful for that reason alone, just doesn't have any moral compass. This, more than the bipolar probability, is the worse of the possibilities for me, for I don't know that I want to stay w/ someone w/ such poor character that he won'tn stay faithful to me. I don't know which problem it is anymore.

Thanks to all of you who have helped me when I was very down, and I'm so glad I do undetstand so much more about my H now, as far as the csa goes. Add bipolar into the equation, and just dealing w/ the csa looks easy in comparison. No wonder we're still having so much difficulty on things. He still won't come here after a couple yrs now and says he doesn't want any more therapy.

If we could get the bipolar stabilized then maybe therapy for csa would make more sense and be more likely to help at that point. Sigh. I'd have to persuade him to get an official diagnosis from a psych. doc. and then see if he'd even be open to meds for it.

I'll still come here sometimes but not like I used to. I kind of wrote him a letter stating that if he is ever unfaithful again, he will be doing it w/ full and complete knowledge of how it devastated me. And also that if staying faithful is a problem for him (perhaps b/c of bipolar) then it is his responsibility to get help for it, or we cannot remain a couple if he cannot stay faithful to me. I told him I would lay off of reading about csa now b/c I truly don't think that's the most urgent problem, and I emailed him some sites on bipolar. I stressed that I don't care if he's bipolar, it's not like he's psychotic or something, but that if it's a problem, it needs to be looked at and treated for all our sakes.

Think that's all I can do. So adios for the time being, and thanks again for all of your help and many lifelines you have thrown my way.


It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

#217797 - 04/13/08 03:16 PM Re: I might have come to the end -- [Re: Brokenhearted]
honey girl Offline

Registered: 10/09/06
Posts: 245
Loc: Midwest US
Dear BH,
I am sorry you are in this position. From what you have posted before, it has seemed that you have been in a difficult situation for a long time.
If you do indeed decide to separate permanently from your husband and to seek a divorce, please approach that change more strategically than you have ever done anything in your life.
You are, if I recall correctly, a woman in her 40s, with a young child, who has no substantial work experience. No matter where you are, divorce courts are not as supportive of so-called "displaced homemakers" than they once were. So, in the meantime, you need to get yourself in order. There are lots of guides about preparing yourself for a successful divorce, one that does not leave you and your daughter impoverished. This is a real possibility, so please apply all your great research skills on your own behalf again.
Good luck to you and your daughter, BH.

I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

#217854 - 04/13/08 10:03 PM Re: I might have come to the end -- [Re: honey girl]
WalkingSouth Offline

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16270
Loc: Waldport, Oregon
Hi BH,

I'm so sorry it's come to this, but I applaud your stance. Damn, that has to hurt. Just know you have our care and support when and if you need it.

Lots of love,


"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting 'Holy Shit! What a ride!'" ~Hunter S. Thompson

#218853 - 04/18/08 03:18 AM Re: I might have come to the end -- [Re: WalkingSouth]
mara Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/01/08
Posts: 18
I love your letter, it is so reasonable and poignant. I think it's true, we do eventually reach the point where there is nothing more to read or learn about CSA. We just realize his behaviour has become too hurtful to bear any longer, no matter how many horrible things he has suffered. Check in with us now and then to let us know about life after.

#218970 - 04/18/08 11:22 PM Re: I might have come to the end -- [Re: mara]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey

I'm sorry I missed this post earlier and I hope you'll come back to read this.

You've done all that you can. You've educated yourself so much because of your love for your husband and your daughter. Sometimes, you've read so much it's made your head spin. But you have tried and tried and tried. The end result though is the same as when you started - if your husband won't or can't deal with this, you can't do it for him. All you can do is take care of yourself and your little girl; tell him you'll support him and then get on with the business of living your life.

I hope he turns it around and realizes that he has a loving, caring, compassionate wife and beautiful little girl who want him and need him.

My best to you BH.

ROCK ON..........Trish

If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.


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