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#217366 - 04/11/08 07:07 PM I don't know what to call this one!
Chagrin Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/18/08
Posts: 17
Loc: BC Canada
Hi everyone!

These are just some random thoughts I guess....

I have been here almost everyday since I started looking at this site... I search around... read a few posts... read a few old posts. The information is amazing and I have learned so much just from being here, I have read some truly amazing things!

Lately, it seems, I've been really confused, just with my life, our life, life in general. And, to be really honest... I don't think I have A CLUE what I am ACTUALLY looking for here... I mean, I came here with the all intensive purposes that most spouses seem to come for... insight into why our SO are the way they are sometimes... Connection with other people in similar situations... Answers to help with our understanding of CSA and the healing process. etc. But every time I find an answer or read something new, it never seems enough. I am always searching for something more. An analogy: It's almost as though I have a deep well in my chest that is emptying, or maybe has emptied, and is being re-filled... but not with water....

A feeling of helplessness maybe? I can read so much information, and I can understand, and learn, and give space... but to just let it be what it is, to give it up and say "it's out of my hands, I have no control over this situation and I just have to let it be"... (Trish's "It is what it is" post is quickly coming to mind here!) There is only so much I can do and I just know that this will be the hardest thing I have to get through in all this!

My husband has been doing so well and has been working so hard on recovery. I am amazed by him everyday. But... in reality. I think I come here because I MISS him... I'm beginning to wonder if it's the only way we can stay connected at all anymore, and it's all very confusing.

I appreciate the site and the people here immensely, and I try my hardest to stay as positive as I can about things, but I am really hurting for the life that my husband and I COULD have together right now... I know that he is in the same boat, and I see how much he hurts too. I just don't know how to get myself out of this negative space. I think it would so help me to hear your feedback if you have any to give... Especially if it is POSITIVE!!

Thanks so much for "listening"!

~ Chagrin \:\)

#217376 - 04/11/08 08:10 PM Re: I don't know what to call this one! [Re: Chagrin]
Freedom49 Offline

Registered: 12/31/07
Posts: 2724
Loc: Washington State
I am not sure I have anything of any huge value to give you but I can offer some observations. To overcome and heal from the damage of CSA depends on the survivor and sometimes the degree it has impacted him/her. Some are more resiliant than others. Some are deeply wounded in the core of there being affect how they see themselves and how they relate to other men and women. It is difficult to predict how someone will move through their recovery and how fast. Recovery is scary. Damage is sometimes severe and may require the individual to face some power personal demons in the process. Being open and supportive and non judgemental and threatening will help imensly. Providing a safe environment for the process to occur helps bond the SO and creates trust. Trust and acceptance go a long way toward accelerating the recovery process in the individual. I have been fortunate to have a spouse that is amazingly supportive and open to my need to immerse myself in the recovery process for the last few months. I hope this helps.

#217510 - 04/12/08 06:52 AM Re: I don't know what to call this one! [Re: Freedom49]
Brian Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 1563
Loc: Upstate NY

I'm not sure if this will apply to you. If not, maybe someone else will get something out of it.

This site has been an incredible blessing for me on my road to recovery! That being said, I can also see (if your not VERY careful) how this site could be overwhelming for a spouse/partner of a CSA survivor to the point of being seriously depressing and/or damaging to a relationship. There is so much information on this site, with all the different issues and symptoms that are discussed, it could make the thought of recovery to be impossible. This is especially true if the spouse/partner doesn't realize that they have absolutely no power to change things in their loved ones recovery process. They can not expedite the process; they can only understand that their spouse needs support so that they can work through their own process at their own pace. This "understanding and support" MAY allow their spouse to feel comfortable enough to take their time and work their own program but the partner just has to trust that. Being a spouse/partner is a very difficult position to be in; it's just not fair!

I would recommend to partners that they come here and look to the F&F forum for support of other partners who are in the same positions. I would caution partners against reading "too much" on the boards. It's very easy to become overwhelmed, depressed and develop a feeling of being in a totally hopeless situation. That will not help anyone involved.

It's not hopeless! We need our partners to be positive and supportive. We need partners that give us time to work this process but NOT allow us to spend each and every waking moment on this site. We need someone to remind us that we need to balance our recovery with our real lives! We need to take a walk and get some fresh air, we need to talk with you and discuss your day, we need to get out of the house and take you to see a movie. The more removed we are from real life, the more difficult it will be to return to it as we make our progress.

I guess a better way to say all this is - It's so easy for survivors to become overwhelmed with negativity & hopelessness in this process, the last thing we need is a spouse/partner that is stuck in that same deep hole with us! We need someone to be able to extend their arm down to us and help us climb out when we finally get to that point.

Good luck and be careful!


Recovery is Possible!

#217542 - 04/12/08 02:25 PM Re: I don't know what to call this one! [Re: Chagrin]
NatureDrum Offline
New Here

Registered: 12/09/07
Posts: 116
Originally Posted By: Chagrin

A feeling of helplessness maybe? I can read so much information, and I can understand, and learn, and give space... but to just let it be what it is, to give it up and say "it's out of my hands, I have no control over this situation and I just have to let it be"... (Trish's "It is what it is" post is quickly coming to mind here!) There is only so much I can do and I just know that this will be the hardest thing I have to get through in all this!

It sounds like you have taken a very healthy step. Knowing that you can only do so much and have to just wade through the tide waters is a difficult point to reach. I'm glad you can come here and find comfort without really knowing why. Sometimes you don't need to know how the process works but can just feel good that it is working.

Peace to you,

Negotiating the treaty for peace of mind.

My Story

#217572 - 04/12/08 05:13 PM Re: I don't know what to call this one! [Re: NatureDrum]
mara Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/01/08
Posts: 18
Dear Chagrin,
Of all the tens of thousands of words I have read here, yours have moved me the most. I too feel like what I need isn't here. I hear others saying they get what they need here and feel there must be something wrong with me, that I'm not getting whatever it is everyone else seems to see. I feel worse and more discouraged every time, yet I check every few days, maybe this time will be different.
We doing all the "right stuff": therapy for him, therapy for her, therapy for both together, reading, talking and yet I have felt more hopeless than ever coming here to this website and finding so much struggle and so little success. At times it even seems to me that the men really don't want us on the site or in their lives.
You have said it: I miss him and the life we could have had.
Thanks for listening

#217576 - 04/12/08 05:39 PM Re: I don't know what to call this one! [Re: Chagrin]
Chagrin Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/18/08
Posts: 17
Loc: BC Canada
Wow Brian,

Thank you so much for your reply. It is amazingly helpful. Things here ARE overwhelming! I think in all of this I thought that just "diving into" this site to get more information and understanding was a really excellent way for me to better support my husband... And, in it's own way, it has been.

But I think you are so right in saying that spouses need to be VERY careful in being here. I do realize that I don't have the power to change things with my husbands recovery, however, I also know that taking care of myself is something I CAN DO that I have set out to learn in all of this. Somehow in the last couple weeks I have simply lost site of that one concept.

Thank you so much for your positive words. I have been very caught up in a negative mind set and to step back from the "overwhelmingness" of this site for a while... would, for ME, more than likely, be a very good idea.

Thanks again!

~ Chagrin \:\)

#217579 - 04/12/08 06:08 PM Re: I don't know what to call this one! [Re: Chagrin]
Chagrin Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/18/08
Posts: 17
Loc: BC Canada
Hi Mara,

I really wanted to send you a private message on this one, but I am unable to...

Thank you for your reply. I am so sorry that my most negative post yet was the one you related the best to!

Take care of YOU!

~ Chagrin \:\)

#217689 - 04/13/08 02:39 AM Re: I don't know what to call this one! [Re: Chagrin]
KENKEN Offline

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
I am sure this is not what you want to hear, but my GF is moving out on Monday. When I opened up about my CSA last September she was the only person in my life who I thought understood what I was about to go through on my road to recovery. I could not have asked for a more caring person. We went to the library to get books, she was always there for me in my fits of depression. I tried so hard to do what is/was right. Therapy individual and group, books, journaling, Male Survivor and the list goes on and on.

But over time and then her getting involved in the Family/Friends posting everything changed. All I heard was how f...k'd up all of us survivors were. Why can't we just get it together? We have choices, why do we always pick the wrong ones. Then came the pity party. Because of what happened to me I f...k's up her life too. She wanted me to confront my perp. brother, immediately and tell him how he ruined our lives.

Well, as is said, she can't and will not deal with me anymore. She is bailing out on me. She has had it with me and according to her, everyone here on MS is all f...k'd up in the head.

Well, guess what, good riddens to her. We are not all f...k's up. She is and she refuses to deal with it. Obviously she never did love me. She knows that after trying for 2 years she cannot control me like she controls her adult kids.

So for me, it is good riddens. I am far better off without her.
I am sure this is not what you wanted to hear, but for me, this is my story.



From the Movie: Antwone Fisher


#217692 - 04/13/08 02:49 AM Re: I don't know what to call this one! [Re: KENKEN]
MarkK Offline

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2653
Loc: Denver, CO

I am sorry to hear the relationship has ended, though you sound like it's better for you that it did.

Just know your friends are here for your support.


#217705 - 04/13/08 03:45 AM Re: I don't know what to call this one! [Re: MarkK]
dgoods Offline

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
Nothing wrong with being honest about how you feel, but staying focused on what "could" have been is about as useful as me devoting lots of energy toward imagining what my life "would've been" like had i never been abused. A certain amount of mourning/regret for the possibilites that never were is healthy, but beyond that, it's damaging; once the resentment and anger is acknowledged, that's all that can be done- no amount of wishing, pleading, bargaining, begging, demanding, gritting of teeth, etc. will ever force the cosmos to say, "Oh, all right. Go ahead and press the 'reset' button- sorry it took so long to realize how unfair it all was." I'm not trying to sound like an insensitive jerk; it's not just F&F who have come here in desperation looking for that one "sign" that will make the path clear! ;\) One of the best lessons this site has taught me is that though there isn't anywhere else that has such a gathering of people that understand what and why i go through what i do, they are all just as human, flawed, unique, and vulnerable as i am, be they survivors, F&F, or what-have-you. There's never going to be that one post or one topic or one member that's going to make it all clear sailing for me, and as frustrating as that can be for me, that will never change, no matter much i wish it were otherwise. When i first got here, i was so overwhelmed by finding people who understood, that i saw it as the end-all and be-all of my recovery- "This is finally it, now it's going to get all better!" I was still under the delusion there was an "easy" button, so to speak; we grow so tired of the struggle, it's easy to slip into "Aw, c'mon! This was supposed to be where the sun comes out, the birds sing, and I catch a break at last!" So many times are we sold this bill of goods growing up, that we come to expect it, and if we don't find it one place, we embrace whatever or whoever promises to deliver on that false promise. Every guru in the world becomes rich by selling the idea that there's a "secret" to inner peace, no matter what the problem, and while there are a lot of helpful ideas out there, major problems require substantial time and effort to cope with, even with the best knowledge and resources. Don't get me wrong, you sound like a very supportive and loving person- i just needed to say this in general, i think ;\) Okay, i think i'm done ranting now, the soapbox is free to whoever wants it next...

Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

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