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#215708 - 04/06/08 12:35 AM Re: My Mom [Re: king tut]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5781
Loc: Lyons, CO USA
What a terrible experience for you and your son. It sounds like you have been doing the best you can and telling him about this place may help him as well. We have a lot of men here who have done harm to themselves and it is tied into the abuse. It may well be that he has few, if any direct memories about it but is still affected by it nonetheless.

I hope you will find support from the other partners and the occasional mother of a survivor who come here.

Peace for you and your son.

Welcome aboard.


Blissfully retired after 35 years treating sexual abuse

#215711 - 04/06/08 12:51 AM Re: My Mom [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
Still Offline

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1

I dont think it is fair of your Mom to put you on the spot like that...with a quesiton like that. She's looking for assignment of this point, I don't think there's any point in assigning blame between the two of you.

JMO: I'd react/respond with how I truly feel about her. If you love it. If you are angry with her...discuss it. But I don't think the only Mom you have ought to be asking you for a performance review.

#216096 - 04/07/08 02:10 PM Re: My Mom [Re: king tut]
theresa2469 Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/03/08
Posts: 5
Loc: TX
The guilt is my own battle not my son's, My son know's he can come talk to me anytime, with no judement against him, all I want is my son to be happy and not let this control his life for a long time.

Thank you Ken, he has started comming to this board and has made quite a few good comments about it, he did say this weekend he doesnt remember alot of what happend.

#216483 - 04/08/08 02:55 PM Re: My Mom [Re: theresa2469]
theresa2469 Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/03/08
Posts: 5
Loc: TX
I have been thinking alot of some of the reply's to this question, mom turning the situation on themselfs(guilt). As a mom i know how i feel about my son being molested, I in no way really know how it feels to be a victim of being molsted, i can hear what my son's tells me how he feels,and see his actions and reactions with the trauma that has happend to him. So with that said My question is do you think the mom has trauma to deal with also, not like the victim but in another way, and maybe that is why we have our own issues to deal with and get past the trauma of our child being molested, dont take this as taken anything away from the victim, but i do feel we are a victim also hearing your child scream or fight in their sleep ect. I dont think there are enough studies on what the family has to go through also, or the mom. Please give me your opinion on this issue you might disagree with me that's ok, i would also like to hear from other moms.

edited to add: This question is not to have the victim feel quilty because of the quilt the mom feels, the victim is not the responsible person here, it's the person molesting the child fault.

Edited by theresa2469 (04/08/08 06:24 PM)

#216493 - 04/08/08 03:28 PM Re: My Mom [Re: theresa2469]
Freedom49 Offline

Registered: 12/31/07
Posts: 2724
Loc: Washington State
You bring up a point that I think is important. That of Collateral Damage. Yes a good Mom will feel traumatized by having her child abused. Some will get very angry and some will be terribly sad and some will take it as a personal failure in the job of protecting their child from the eivls of this life. The ripples spread out to family and to friends also sometimes. That is why I appreciate this forum here as it gives the F and F of the victiem a place to deal with their own feelings and search for answers wtih which to help. Their pain and confusion and anger while not comparable is still there. You just cannot compare one persons pain to anothers. Thank you for bringing this up and I hope you get some great responses from other moms.

#216495 - 04/08/08 03:33 PM Re: My Mom [Re: Freedom49]
theresa2469 Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/03/08
Posts: 5
Loc: TX
Thank you for your input Freedom49, I do believe this, I know how i felt when it happend 16yrs ago and still trying to deal with it as my son is also.

#216527 - 04/08/08 05:15 PM Re: My Mom [Re: theresa2469]
LandOfShadow Offline

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Hi Christopher,

Again, I'm not a mom, but I agree with Trish. Your Mom is having a hard time with this too, and I wish she could not make it harder for you to talk to her. You both have a lot to work on.

From what I know of you, I think it would be good for you to say something like, "I don't know if you're a bad Mom, you are just my Mom, the only Mom I have. But it would be even better if you could not cry and get so emotional when I try to talk to you. Because then it just gets too hard for me." And hopefully you could talk about your feelings with her.

The whole "bad Mom" thing is a bad idea. It just adds guilt and that doesn't help. Most Mom's do the best they can. And even being a bad Mom doesn't make her a bad person.

Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you

Paul Eluard

#216662 - 04/09/08 01:56 AM Re: My Mom [Re: LandOfShadow]
A C Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/31/05
Posts: 13
Loc: Missouri

To your mom, she has done some thing wrong. Over looked, didn't catch, missed read, failed to pick up some clue ect... their fore its her fault, now her child is paying the price. The guilt must be so hard to bare.

At times moms can be hard to under stand, I know. Give her a shoulder to cry on. Remember, no one feeling and thoughts can carry as much weight as yours.


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