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#216630 - 04/08/08 11:44 PM Help Me
Letourski Offline

Registered: 03/16/08
Posts: 314
Loc: Canada
I have been feeling this anxiety for weeks now and sometimes i want scream or yell out. My sexual abuse came out completely 8 months ago, it was revealed to my now ex-girlfriend. I have this constant grip in my chest and i do not know how to make it stop. I am confused, overwhelmed and very tired. I fail everyday to make the connection between my sexual identity issues and the CSA. When I recall my abuse I feel nothing at all, no hostile feelings just emptiness and numbness. I want that inner child but i dont remember who he is. I just want to cry, the tears are there but hey do not pour down. I dont know where to start with all this.

I am the warrior.

#216636 - 04/09/08 12:05 AM Re: Help Me [Re: Letourski]
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2653
Loc: durham, north england

I really understand what your feeling. I decided that I was not fine and resolved to deal with my own abuse last november, disclosed to a close friend, and sinse then I've just fallen appart.

something I'm having to realize is that I don't think there's an easy answer, or an easy process, it's just the case of opening up and experiencing those feelings bit by bit. posting here and getting support from people who really understand this has helped me a lot. I'm also seeing a therapist and looking for help.

I also disclosed to two other close friends, and they've all been absolutely fantastic about my recovery effort, and really helpful. I've cut back on work and commitments to try and have more energy, sinse a lot is going into this process for me right now.

I've not done the inner child thing myself, ---- though I know it has helped others here.

Obviously I'm not you, and my situation and feelings are different, but this forum, and the other things I mentioned have certainly helped me a bit thus far, and I really hope they will help you too.

Welcome, though I'm very sorry you have to be here at all, and I really hope you can progress along this journey of recovery.


#216647 - 04/09/08 12:40 AM Re: Help Me [Re: dark empathy]
dannym Offline

Registered: 03/25/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
Welcome Letourski,

I am so sorry you needed to seek out such a sight, but I'm so glad you found it.

I started my healing a year ago February. When I did, I experienced a lot of what you describe. It was like all the feelings I had kept bottled up inside all poured out at once. I didn't know how to handle them. As soon as I would get a grasp on one emotion, another would take it's place. I was anxious and frightened and felt more alone that I ever had in my life.

I disclosed to my wife, parents and siblings, and a few close friends. They were all amazingly supportive. But they didn't get it... and I sure as hell couldn't explain it!

I camet to this site last March, and it provided so much for my healing. I met friends who understood. I met my soulmate. I was able to tell my story, my thoughts, my fears/... no matter what I put out, these men were there saying "We get it" "We know" and "We love you for you".

I have come along way. I have a long way to go. But I hope you too can find the partnerships, the solidarity, the support and the brotherhood that exists here.

Like Luke, I am not you and each of our journeys takes a different path, but I do know that it does get easier - eventually.

For me, a good place to start was to read some of the posts here. As I got more comfortable, I posted more.. I swent personal messages, I reached out and found support... but it is not something that can be hurred for forced - go at your own paced and remember, there are no rights or wrongs and what happenedd to you was not your fault.... and there is no judgement here.


"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

#216679 - 04/09/08 03:01 AM Re: Help Me [Re: dannym]
Hauser Offline

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2963
Loc: United States
Welcome aboard Letourski.

The first thing I would do is talk about what it's doing to your life as it is lately. Are you able to work? Are you able to get along with co-workers/friends? Are you isolating yourself? Are you engaging in self-harming/self-defeating behaviors?

#216727 - 04/09/08 05:30 AM Re: Help Me [Re: Hauser]
Freedom49 Offline

Registered: 12/31/07
Posts: 2724
Loc: Washington State
That child inside you and all his feelings of terror and anxiety and anger and pain have been hidden so well for so long he is very apprehensive about you talking and opening up about all this. It was never safe for him to do so before. Naturally he is frightened and that I think is what your feeling.
A childs emotions go deep and they are much stonger usually than an adults. That is why they scare you and seem to overwhelm you.

Talking about it, Writing your experiences out on paper or here in the forums will help attach those feelings to the proper experiences and you will be able to handle them better. If you do not have a therapist specializing in child sexual abuse recovery I would strongly recommend it. He can guide you though that process safely. It will hurt, it will be rough, but you will survive and heal. And yes there will be tears.

Welcome to this site and I am glad your here. Soon you will be too.

#216733 - 04/09/08 06:11 AM Re: Help Me [Re: Freedom49]
Brian Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 1563
Loc: Upstate NY
Hi Letourski!

I dont know where to start with all this.

The good news is that you have found the right place to start! Welcome to Male Survivor! We have been waiting for you! More good news is that this is all at your own pace, take your time and don't force anything. The tears will come when they are supposed to! I would also second Freedom49's advice - find a therapist who you are comfortable with who specializes in CSA.

I'm glad you found us!


Recovery is Possible!

#216736 - 04/09/08 06:52 AM Re: Help Me [Re: Brian]
USFbull Offline

Registered: 03/30/08
Posts: 92
Loc: Florida
I'm glad you've come to this site. Its helped me a lot in a short period of time, and I really think it will help me in the long run. I was in the same boat as you though, I came out with it to an ex as well.

Neither fear nor courage saves us.
Unnatural vices Are fathered by our heroism.
Virtues Are forced upon us by our impudent crimes.
These tears are shaken from
the wrath-bearing tree.
~T.S. Eliot~

#216741 - 04/09/08 07:47 AM Re: Help Me [Re: Letourski]
GateKPR4 Offline

Registered: 10/29/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
Welcome Letourski,
My experience has been when the time is right things will happen like feeling emotions again. Acknowledging the abuse is a start, learning how to feel and deal with emotions again is a whole new ball game.
Get a good therapist if you can and do some reading on the issue.
Read the forums here, I know they helped me a great deal.
I wish you well on your journey of recovery

I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
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