this morning i woke numb, ready to throw up dreading tomorrow. my gf is back tomorrow. i wish i could think clearly about this...wish i felt different.
we've been together for a few years. it started out as good friends.
i was at a bar one night met someone and later things went bad. i crashed with nightmares, flashbacks, panic...the ptsd kicked in real bad.
when i lost my last job and got on disability for ptsd she let me sleep on her couch for the 7 months it took to get it.
it was not going to be more than a friendship, she had made that real clear because of the age difference and my baggage , but thats not how it turned out.
she help me though the flashbacks, my confusion, shame. she got help for me when the s.i. got bad enough to be hospitalized. she set boundaries on intimacy to keep things healthy between us... difficult for me because i had/(do?) up until then equated sex with pain. for her too, there has been healing. she said i was the first person she trusted to really open up to intimacy, and it was good. she stopped the drinking because she wanted us to stay together. she started doing her work too.
-i'm tired of caretaking though broken bones from bouts of occasional drinking. (and she is a mean drunk). tired of caretaking though her depressions and heart surgery. tired of the constant control and threats to leave. tired of being called a child.
- do i see this clearly? according to the couples therapist, i do.
this year has been rough, she has told me she is a sexual anorexic vs my addiction.
yeah, i can handle this, she is a survivor too...i understand.
it's the attacks, i think...when i attempt to set boundaries instead of being like her little lap dog she attacks and goes into days of depression under the blankets. i feel guilt for putting her there.
last week was bad, i tried without attacking to tell her change is needed. she attacked, justified.....i s.i'd, damaged the bathroom door by pounding it and kicking. threw things... broke things, including her things this time. and pushed her back when she started pushing me.
do i love her? i think so, thought so. can i really love anyone? can she?
yea, well...i guess i know now why i feel sick about her coming back tomorrow.