thanks a lot people. the other day, just after my conference inadequacy panic, and I was talking things over with my parents my mum said "I love your site, ---- it's a really good thing"
And it's seeing posts like this that make me realize how right she is.
Awakening, the main experience for me hasn't been one of being numb, ---- more one of being preoccupied and denying things. Right through my degree, I threw myself into everything with all my energy, ignored my days of depression, my inability to accept good feelings from others, my panic attacks. At that point it was really easy for me to get heavily into a piece of music, ----- to follow it like a bright journey, walking among the stars.
More increasingly though, ---- especially sinse I finished my degree and was thrown on my own resources for work etc, that feelings been more distant, harder to find.
Now it's easy to find that feeling again, ---- but as I said, it's complete agony, like looking at something I've lost.
I'm not sure if this is the same as you and the kittans, or whether this is a good thing (I don't think we have the kittan loo role here on this side of the atlantic).
coopstah, what you say is something that I'm really having to fight with. for years (even during my degree), I've taken it as a given fact that nobody could have feelings for me and everyone was just being nice. I'm stil locked in combat with this perception, but everytime i seem to be making headway against it I just start disparing and feeling as if I'm arrogant. At the recent conference for example I met someone (female as it happens though it doesn't really matter). She'd been inside for a month writing her Ma thesis, and had literally not spoken to anyone. She was in fact only at the conference because her superviser was one of the organizers.
Interlectually, I can imagine a story from her pov. She's feeling down and under-qualified and isolated, she goes to a conference where she's the least qualified person there and meets someone who's not only another student, but is interested in what she's doing, willing to stand and chat to her in the rain for hours, attempts to be kind. As soon as I think though that the person she met was me, ----- it just doesn't work!
Simon, I believe my story is slightly different from some others here, ---- being as my abusers weren't family members or anyone close to me, but crowds of kids at school. In fact whenever words like "your fellows" or "your peers" came up in my reports or the like, I felt an electric shock. They made it abundently clear I was different, separate, ---- and that's how I felt myself.
There are two reasons I now feel as if I'm abusing myself. Firstly, is the fact that these feelings are most absolutely mine, I own them, I'm responsable for them, ---- I'm just powerless to do anything about them but destract myself.
Secondly, is my approach. whenever something hurts, I charge streight at it. Complements are agon, so I phone all my close friends and get them to describe me. this really! was! agony and I ended up crying, but I lived through it, hoping to go through it and out the other side.
but living through it is all I achieved, the feelings stil there, ---- despite all my efforts!
Yeee gods! I'm! so frustrated with myself!