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#215398 - 04/04/08 08:49 PM Remembering when I wasn't afraid?
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2649
Loc: durham, north england
I was having a chat with my mum today about my recovery, particularly my relation to others, my fear of physical affection and my inability to communicate any of these feelings.

One thing I remembered was something that happened at age nine, a good two and a half years before my abuse, ---- when I was at boarding school, ---- it was even before my parents had sat me down and given me the very frank and honest talk about you know what.

I'd fallen very much in love with a girl at the school, ---- a friend of mine (some patterns never change), I was certain I wanted to marry her, and she said very clearly she felt the same way about me, ---- we even planned to have a daughter called angela and a son called John (that was long before I decided not to have children at all).

one day we both got chucked out of P.e. for forgetting our kits, and were literally locked in one room on hour own for the hole hour lesson with nothing at all to do, ---- boarding school was charming like that.

I remember saying to her "You know, i'd really sort of like to kiss you" and her saying "Well I'd quite like to kiss you to"

we kissed eachother on the cheak.

It seems incredibly odd to me now that at nine I could be like that, so sure of someone else's feelings, and so readily to openly give and recieve physical affection. I remember what it was like feeling those things, ---- remember her red hair, the sound of her voice, the black cardigan she was wearing at the time, but the idea that I could be so certain of her feelings, and so open with her about exchanging a kiss just seems alien to me now. While I know that it was me, while i remember it quite well, ----- it now seems utterly illogical to me how I would get into such a position with someone else, and while I certainly remember the feelings involved, ---- their like the feeling of flying in a dream, ---- very natural and real at the time, perfectly memorable, but utterly impossible in the cold light of day.

I've never really got into the lost inocence idea, ---- afterall all the things I liked as a child, such as scifi, making up stories, computer games, science theology and music I stil very much stil like, I've got several episodes of He man and films like Labyrinth, Jerasic park, aliens and willow sitting on my shelf even as I write this, ---- and a copy of the turrican games on my computer.

In fact I can't think of a single thing which I liked as a child which i now have no interest in at all. yes I don't play with figures anymore, ----- but only because I can now make up my stories quite successfully without visual aides, though thinking about it, sinse I'm collecting statues of fantasy creatures and a lotr chess set right now to decorate my new flat, I stil do slightly collect figures, lol!

But what I'm now wondering is was there some lost inocence afterall, ---- some surety about myself and confidence in the feelings of others which was systematically destroyed in the years after that kiss!

My childhood wasn't exactly all happy as I've said before, ---- but maybe there were differences in me which I should think about?

Oh heck, I'm really sorry again, ---- yet , ---- more rambling, but if anyone has any thoughts on this question I'd be very glad to here them, sinse this is an idea I'm wrestling with at the moment.

#215456 - 04/05/08 03:08 AM Re: Remembering when I wasn't afraid? [Re: dark empathy]
Still Offline

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1

I just went back and read "your story." I'm sorry I missed it when you were new here.

I don't know what to say to you except I'm so sorry the world and its people have been so bloody mean to you. I really am. I dont understand this planet and/or its people. I hate what a "normal" thinks he or she can get away with....what they think is entertaining. I hate the perps of this world and hope them nothing but pain...but it seems its for us to endure the pain of the world.

Anyway. I'm sorry I've never gotten to know you till now.

#215479 - 04/05/08 04:22 AM Re: Remembering when I wasn't afraid? [Re: Still]
Iroll Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/05/08
Posts: 8
Wow Dark empathy.... I can't even remember when I wasn't afraid.

Edited by Iroll (04/05/08 04:22 AM)

#215548 - 04/05/08 03:29 PM Re: Remembering when I wasn't afraid? [Re: Iroll]
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2649
Loc: durham, north england
Thanks robby, I appreciate what you say, ---- I wouldn't say it's compensation, but while it's true I've met some pretty awful people, ---- I've met a lot of wonderful ones as well. It just bothers me that I can't relate to people properly because of what happened, and that it is getting in the way of many other things in my life.

As far as understanding goes, ----- while I certainly would much rather those things never happened to me, ---- as my job now is working in the field of ethics, I can at least put those insites to some practical use and hopefully build some ideas which will help others.

when I'm comfortable with myself, I'd love to write about the abuse and the issues surrounding it one day, ---- that's one of my goals.

Iroll, everyone here is different. I know some people had things happen at an early age, some people have few memories of their childhood etc. As I said, that feeling of confidence in myself and in another's feelings towards me just seems utterly alien to me now. I can certainly remember what it felt like, ---- and undoubtedly that's a helpful thing, but it seems such a completely foreign and alien sensation, ---- though I knew it was me.

I think though one of the things we all want on this site is to deal with what's going on now, our present lives and fears and reactions which are the aftermath of what happened to us.

It just struck me as such an odd contrast, ---- in fact one of the only major differences I can think of (besides the obviously physical changes), betwene myself as a child and myself now. For you the situation might be different, ---- and i really do hope you can try and deal with being afraid in the here and now, and so move forward. The fact that your here on this site shows your desire to move on and that your doing something positive about it, ---- which is a great way to begin!

Your friend, Luke!


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