This is what my life has become since my partner closed his heart from me, eight years ago: (names have been changed)
9:17 am: Woke up to the sound of the phone ringing, as the fog cleared from my head, and i drifted back to what i call my Sun-Up-Reality-Phase of my day. Of course, as has been my response for so many years now, my anxiety level starts to rapidly increase. It starts out feeling exactly like that first big dip on the old Lagoon roller coaster, butterflies in my stomach, my arms are damp with perspiration. As i listen again for that ring again to determine the location of a phone. You would think that with 3 units to the cordless phone, one would always be nearby.
My body seems to be moving in slow motion as I see that both phones are sitting by the charger at the foot of my bed. I hesitate before i start to crawl out from under the protection of my comforter (i assign a much deeper meaning to this bed accessory, in that i seek solace under my comforter.
Once again, the argument starts, Dan, usually in a foot race with Mike to speak his mind, tries to convince whoever will listen that I should not be getting so worked up about the ringing phone, it should not matter if it is Matt who is trying to ring through. In fact, it probably isn't Matt at all. Why should Matt be calling you? As much as he meant to ALL of us, you never meant all that much to him. Surely, you were never his 'Dream Come True", or his soul-mate, or protector, or motivator, and most definitely NOT his reason to be the best he can be. No, like everyone else you had clung to in this life, enough was enough and he walked away.
About this time, Danny cries out, NO, he loves me, he tells me so. He even said he would let me take care of him just a few days ago!!!! He just needs a break, he is coming back to be with me. HE LOVES ME!!!
Of course, Mike, ever the antagonist in our lives, does what he does best, flashes images of Matt with other people. Matt surrounded by a group of people, somewhere outside, talking and chuckling out loud. It looks like he is drinking a beer, one that you would also enjoy. "Yeah, you would enjoy one if you had any one to share anything with you loser", Mike chuckles.
The demeanor of Mike is always a bully. He has the power and ability to take all of you down at anytime. Mike is not a good person. He does not strive to be kind, considerate, honest, successful. No, those are the opposite of Mike. Mike came about a long time ago when Danny would always be getting into trouble for things he did not do. Danny would be punished with whippings, isolation, and humiliation. Mike came to be one day back in the late 60's while i was sitting on the kitchen chair, a very early variation of the 90's 'Time-Out', for a multi-hour punishment. I was not sure what to think about this new voice.
In retrospect, I had started to develop different me's (meez) very early in this life, to insulate me from my experiences with 'other people'. Back then, all Danny knew was that he would sometimes phase out for periods of time, and then phase back in feeling disoriented and numb. I guess that is a good catch phrase for my childhood, Disoriented and Numb. Danny was not aware that this phasing in and out was actually his own mind shielding him from the punishment, abuse, rejection, assaults and embarrassments. Mike used these trapped memories as a master assassin. "Cut you once, Cut you twice, but still you believe" (Billy Joel, 1978 BIG SHOT).
The third ring from the phone interrupts the internal dialogue, which allows Ms. Practical to move to the front with her practical position that "Now, no one would want you the way you are all behaving." "If we want to have Matt back to take care of all of us, we must become someone that he would WANT to take care of", Ms. Practical preaches while dangling that last participle.
"It won't matter much who is causing the ring if you don't pick up the damn phone", Daniel interjects.
"But I don't want to talk to him, I can't right now. It is enough for me to know that he was thinking enough about me to ring through." yells Danny as he tries his best to pretend that he is in charge.
As Danny finishes, i see that my hand has now grabbed the phone, as i crawl back under the comforter before I dare look at the caller ID. As i turn the phone over, the kaleidoscope of emotions, from heartwarming love, summertime BBQs, two people in love holding hands and walking with sparkling eyes and blissful smiles, your most recent car crash, getting Allen Wrenches and screwdrivers shoved up your butthole, the sizzling of the redhot iron spatula being pressed hard against your exposed back. Then the ringing stops. I am know covered in sweat. I grab for my pillow, and bury my head down deep in a futile effort to get everyone to be quiet. I now am hit with today's reality. I am in bed thinking that I need to get up and finish my school papers. Remember, that 'job' that you are doing for Danny's sake. The excuse to jump off the 'real world' and into your version of existing as a fragmented people.
All the protagonists seemed to all be thinking.."I wonder if he left a message. Maybe he said something sweet. Maybe he wanted to tell you that he misses me and would like to again take care of me. Maybe we should check to see if he left a message." Funny, out of everyone I am, with only one exception, we still hope this is all a bad dream, and anytime now, i will once again wake up Disoriented and Numb, laying next to Matt, wrapped in his arms. I entertain this thinking only because it is like a shot of adrenalin to stop the falling when i see the bottom of my Pit of Despair. False hope for the sake of survival I have concluded is a good thing if not necessary in my world.
As we are all now guessing what Matt said on his message, that is of course if he left one. This new dialogue never got legs, before being interrupted by the ring of my mobile phone. Because of the proximity to Matt's call to the house phone, I am confident that the ringing of my mobile phone is also from Matt. I stay under my comforter, and listen to the rings. As the ringing comes to an end, I start anticipating the indication that a message was left. Just as i was giving up hope, the DING of the message indicator lets me know that a message awaits.
Edited by ondon (04/03/08 09:57 PM)